11 Ways A Man Who Was Overly Coddled By His Mom Will Behave In A Relationship
When you're in a relationship with a man whose mom was over-the-top, you'll know it from the way he behaves.
fizkes / Shutterstock The ways a man who was overly coddled by his mom will behave in a relationship differ from a man who was neglected by his mother or given just the right balance of attention and independence. It can be challenging to have a balanced, equitable relationship with a man whose mom enabled him, yet recognizing his patterns of behavior is the first step.
Our relationships with our parents and primary caregivers in childhood directly impact our behavior in romantic relationships as adults. Having emotionally available parents who regularly met your needs primes you for secure attachment, while insecure attachments stem from receiving distant, inconsistent, or non-existent care.
Our family of origin creates the foundation of our attachment style, but we are capable of shifting how we relate to our partners, even a man who was overly coddled by his mom.
Here are 11 ways a man who was overly coddled by his mom will behave in a relationship
1. He seeks constant reassurance
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom will seek constant reassurance in a relationship. He likely received his mom’s undivided attention, along with overwhelming praise, which often means he expects the same emotional boost from his romantic partner. He needs outside approval to feel good about himself, because he grew up completely accustomed to being validated by his mom at all times.
While offering a partner emotional validation is an essential part of a healthy relationship, there is a tipping point. Constantly seeking validation from your partner instead of from within yourself can seriously damage your relationship.
In a dissertation for Brigham Young University, Amber A. Price explains that people with an “externalized self-perception” struggle to feel grounded in their individual identities, which in turn, weakens their ability to develop emotional intimacy.
Price notes that validation seeking behavior in relationships needs to come from “a place of comfort” as opposed to “trying to extract validation from the other through an externalized self-perception.”
Someone who knows and accepts themselves is more able to show up authentically in their relationships, but a man who was overly coddled by his mom depends on external validation to feel secure, and he’ll seek his partner’s approval in a way that’s rooted in a place of discomfort.
2. He struggles to make his own decisions
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom will have a hard time making his own decisions in the context of his relationship. It’s highly likely that his mom made important decisions for him, so he was never expected to develop any sense of self-efficacy or agency. By coddling him, his mom imposed a learned helplessness upon him, a trait he doesn’t try to overcome. He’s used to being guided through life, on both an emotional and practical level.
In a relationship, this means relying on his partner to make decisions, from what to have for dinner to larger issues like parenting styles. He may even struggle with decisions that should be independently motivating, such as which steps to take in his career.
A man who was overly coddled by his mom expects other people to take responsibility for his own life, as though he were stuck in a perpetual state of childhood. He’s so accustomed to his mom handling his life, he doesn’t have the skill set to do so on his own.
3. He doesn’t pitch in around the house
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom won’t pull his weight with household chores. By virtue of having a mom who took care of his every need, he either never learned how to cook, clean, and maintain a home, or he believes that housekeeping just isn’t his job.
Research from Harvard University and the University of Minnesota shows that kids who do chores become happier, more successful adults, as helping out around the house teaches empathy and a dedicated work ethic. A man who was overly coddled by his mom was probably never asked to pick up after himself, which might explain his avoidance of household responsibilities in adulthood.
According to the Gender Equity Policy Institute, women spend twice as much time on childcare and household work as men do, and it’s not just moms who experience this imbalance. Married women without any kids spend 2.4 times as much time doing housework than men.
Over the course of an average week, women spend 12.6 hours cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the home, compared to the 5.7 hours men spend on those tasks. Those hours add up in a significant way. Women have 13% less free time than men have, due to all the hours they put into running a household.
A man who was overly coddled by his mom might do the dishes, but only when you ask him repeatedly. He’ll leave his dirty clothes crumpled in the corner of the bedroom, because it doesn’t occur to him to do a load of laundry on his own. This pattern of behavior creates a rift within the relationship, which ultimately leads to resentment.
4. He expects his partner to be his caregiver
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Another way a man who was overly coddled by his mom will behave in a relationship is expecting his partner to take on the role of his caregiver. He might not be entirely conscious of this dynamic, but he relies on his partner to meet his needs the way his mother did.
As life coach Mitzi Bockmann explains, “Mommy issues creep up in our adulthood and stem from what the mother-child dynamic looked like. If your mother abandoned, abused, or neglected you, your mommy issues will present differently than someone whose mother was overly protective or covered up their every mistake.”
While there’s always some amount of give and take in any relationship, a healthy partnership functions by being as balanced as possible. A man who was overly coddled by his mom might be a nice man who respects women, but it's likely he also has a deep level of unquestioned entitlement because he was never asked to care for himself, since his mom did everything for him.
5. He can’t handle conflict
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom can’t handle conflict. He was protected from any emotional discomfort, so he never learned the skills he needed to talk about hard things. He might respond to conflict by being emotionally reactive, the way a child throws tantrums because they don’t know how to process their feelings. He might shut down and fall silent, going into freeze mode, because he doesn’t have the skills to process how he feels. A man who was overly coddled by his mother might resist facing conflict completely. Not allowing himself to feel the full range of his emotions directly impacts his partner, setting the tone for a relationship based on avoidance.
Therapist Margot Brown explains that some amount of conflict is normal and healthy in relationships, but it all depends on how a couple handle having an argument.
“Relationships that last require at least some amount of compromise, some serious sacrifice, and not always seeing eye-to-eye along the way,” she shares. “Striking the right balance can be confusing when you're not sure how to determine what counts as a healthy vs. unhealthy amount of conflict.”
Couples who deal with conflict successfully actively try to make their relationships better, by trying to understand what their partner needs, talking about problems that arise and above all, showing their love for each other.
Brown noted that this kind of direct communication can be difficult, which is especially true if one half of a couple was never taught to navigate painful emotions. She encouraged couples to approach conflicts by honoring each other’s perspective.
“Be honest with yourself and try to consider your partner's point of view to gain a better understanding of the situation,” she advises. “Be honest with your partner, and voice your feelings so you won't have any reason to hold any grudges later.”
Conflict, itself, doesn’t mean that a relationship is doomed. Not being able to handle conflict individually or as a unit is a sign that there’s still emotional work left to be done.
6. He can’t ground himself emotionally
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Displaying an inability to emotionally ground himself is another way a man who was overly coddled by his mom will behave in a relationship. As a child, his mom focused more on his happiness than showing him how to be emotionally resilient. She smoothed over his mistakes and tended to his every need, so he never learned to manage disappointment or discomfort. As a result, he grew into an adult who relies on his partner to feel grounded.
Learning to emotionally ground yourself first means accepting that you feel anxious, sad, or angry without trying to push those emotions away. The Berkeley Well-Being Institute defines grounding techniques as “coping strategies that reconnect you to the present, a self-regulation mechanism for times of stress and anxiety.”
There are three categories involved in practicing emotional grounding: mental grounding, physical grounding, and self-soothing, which means speaking to yourself with compassion and understanding. One way to manage big emotions is to focus on the five senses. You can engage your sight by naming the objects you see around you.
You can connect to sound by listening to a song you love or describing the environment you’re in out loud to yourself. Your sense of smell can be activated by lighting a scented candle or smelling fresh fruit, like oranges or lemons, and you can turn on your sense of taste by eating that fresh fruit or letting a piece of chocolate melt in your mouth and noticing how it feels. As for touch, you can give your sweet pet some cuddles, hold an ice cube in your palms, or take a shower.
These small, accessible acts reconnect you to your body and where you are in space, while letting your mind calm down.
7. He’s threatened by his partner’s independence
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom is easily threatened by his partner’s independence. He struggles when they ask for space or spend time on their own. He might get possessive when his partner makes plans that don’t include him, or he might get jealous when they hang out with friends. He’s so accustomed to getting everything he wants that he struggles when his partner sets boundaries around their time together.
While it might seem counterintuitive, spending time apart can strengthen a relationship. According to a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, being alone by choice leads to reduced stress levels and helps people relax and self-regulate. Tending to your own mental health allows you to show up in a more present way for your partner, which makes your relationship that much better.
A man who was overly coddled by his mom might not understand his partner’s need to be without him, yet being inseparable is usually an indication of a co-dependent relationship.
8. He treats being critiqued like a personal attack
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom is likely to treat gentle critique like a personal attack. He’s so used to being praised and having his feelings protected by his mom that he never learned how to handle constructive feedback on how he’s acting.
When you bring up an issue that’s been bothering you, he may respond by immediately getting defensive. He might insult you or bring up your shortcomings to deflect from what you’re saying. His ego is fairly fragile, which is why he responds in such an aggressive way when his flaws are pointed out.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, narcissistic people have a higher tendency toward aggressive behavior when they feel offended or insulted. Being aggressive toward the person critiquing them is how they react to a perceived ego threat.
“People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose self-image apparently find criticism highly upsetting and lash out against the source of it,” the study’s authors explained.
Instead of seeing his partner’s complaints as a valid topic of conversation, a man who was overly coddled by his mom sees those complaints as an indication that their partner is insulting them or being unfair. His mom believed he was perfect, which makes him think he’s perfect, and therefore, untouchable.
9. He’s passive aggressive
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom will act out in a passive aggressive way when he’s unhappy in his relationship, instead of directly expressing how he feels. He doesn’t have the emotional tool kit he needs to process his discontent, so it builds up, leading to intense resentment.
When his partner asks what’s wrong, he’ll respond with a passive aggressive statement that allows him to sidestep an actual conversation, like saying “It’s fine” or “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
As Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford points out, passive aggressive people pretend nothing is wrong, yet they’ll reveal their true feelings in indirect ways.
”They often appear to be going with the flow — they may even insist that nothing is wrong — but will procrastinate, sulk, or give off other subtle signs that they're secretly resentful,” she explains.
Dr. Bates-Duford reveals that the first step to curbing passive aggressive behavior is to work on your sense of self-awareness. By recognizing your emotions, you put them out in the open, which creates space to talk about what’s wrong.
“Tell the people in your life how you feel, whether good or bad,” she advises. “This will stop you from bottling it all up and harboring resentment. If they care about you, they’ll listen to what you have to say without judgment.”
10. He doesn’t take initiative
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom won’t take initiative in a relationship, mostly because he never learned how to do things according to his own volition. In some ways, being spoiled and enabled by his mom as a kid stunted his personal growth. He never had to work on himself, because his mom took care of everything for him. His low level of emotional intelligence means he doesn’t know himself deeply enough to know what he wants, making him a passive participant in his relationship.
He’s so used to taking the backseat in his own life that he relegates every decision in his relationship to his partner. He might propose, but he won’t help plan the wedding. He has no opinion on flower arrangements or the invitation list or even his own outfit. The expectation that his partner handles every major life moment puts the weight of the relationship on their shoulders, which isn’t a fair approach to building a life together.
11. He prioritizes his mom over his relationship
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom’s happiness will prioritize his mom over his partner’s. While initially, it might seem promising that he’s so dedicated to his mom– After all, it shows that he respects and cares for women. But as time passes, it becomes clear that his mom will always come first, which inevitably does damage to the connection he has with the person he’s supposed to share his life with.
As life coach Mitzi Bockmann explains, “There's a difference between being ‘good to his mother’ and someone who always puts his mother’s needs above his own.”
“If this guy is willing to put his mother’s needs above his own, how likely is it, do you think, that he will change a lifetime of priorities and put your needs first?” she asks.
A man who was overly coddled by his mom will always pick her over his partner, which doesn’t bode well for a lasting, emotionally-balanced relationship.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.