After 20 Years As A Dating Coach, I've Finally Determined 6 Core Factors That Make Even Happy Husbands Cheat
A series of steps lead even happy husbands to cheat.
Explanations aside, excuses are all misdirection: shiny objects to distract from the reality of the situation. He can make whatever excuses he wants for himself, but he can't get away from a simple truth: free will.
He chose to do what he did. The question that needs answering is: "Why?" Why would a married man cheat on his wife?
Here are the core factors that make even happy husbands cheat:
1. He's looking for something new
There are plenty of men who run off and cheat on their wives, creating another relationship before leaving their marriage. It's cowardly and based on all the wrong stuff, but it feels real.
And beyond the chemical issues, there's a very basic reason for this: There's no way an established relationship will ever be like a new relationship. It's impossible.
New relationships are exciting, passionate, hopeful, and mysterious. But it's only like that when it's new. After a little while, a shiny new relationship will be old and established. Then what? Will he cheat again? (Some people do.)
Maybe he'll try to blame it on that girl at work. The single one. She's kind of hot. She's kind of flirty with him while sitting in front of his desk. He might occasionally have those thoughts, but as a married man, acting on them is a no-no.
Did she unintentionally awaken some latent feelings of single-dom that wanted to get out? Perhaps he'll blame his wife for being disconnected and unavailable. Maybe his perception of his wife's non-pride in his efforts and work caused it.
2. He's bored
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Perhaps it's the routine of marriage.
The same life, day-in-day-out: work, commute, work, commute, call home to see how the kids are, what activities are on the agenda for the evening (gymnastics, tennis, soccer, homework), the did-you-pay-this-this-needs-to-be-paid conversations, and the inevitable question of, "What do you want for dinner?" that makes him want to do anything (or anyone) else.
3. He doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention
Maybe he just wants someone to see him. To be proud of him. To value him. "This isn't wrong!" he'll say. "I deserve to be happy!"
Maybe he should ask himself if it's his fault. Did he get married too young? Did he communicate his needs to her? (Probably not.) Is he unhappy with his wife? With himself? Did he mentally check out and escape to work and then simply not "see" her anymore?
4. It's learned behavior
Some of this probably goes back to his family life while growing up. Perhaps his parents divorced when he was young, but not before he heard the stories about his playboy father and the affairs he had with younger women that ultimately ended their marriage, as suggested by research on the effects of parental infidelity on adult children's relationships in The Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.
Should he/we conclude that his propensity towards infidelity was somehow genetically passed down, and now he's effectively screwed? (Pun intended).
5. He has a personality disorder
Personality disorders like narcissism and psychopathy have been linked to infidelity. Board-certified behavior analyst Carmen McGuinness explains that "narcissists are more likely to have a greater desire for casual intimacy and to engage in physicality without emotional attachment."
According to McGuinness, "Infidelity and narcissism have a strong correlation to psychopathy. Psychopathy is a condition in which an individual is unable to feel empathy for other people... there is a 95 percent likelihood that a psychopath or sociopath will seek other partners outside a relationship."
6. He suffers from an addiction
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He may say this is the reason he was having an affair, and you'll probably roll your eyes. But it's true. Cheating websites like Ashley Madison are not helping the issue at hand. Infidelity can happen if your man has an addiction.
Robert Weiss PhD, who is an expert in adult intimacy issues and related addictions explains, "Behavioral addictions — like intimacy addiction — are usually more difficult to fathom. Nevertheless, people can and do become addicted to behaviors just as often and just as easily as they become addicted to highly pleasurable, self-soothing, and dissociative substances — and with similarly problematic results."
Unfortunately, cheating has become somewhat mainstream, and there are several websites and dating apps designed for just that.
When he met The Other Woman, she was all smiles and full of energy, smart, cute, bubbly, witty, and into him from the start. Maybe as a wife and mother, she understood his dilemma. Heck, she was probably in a situation where she felt unappreciated and like she was dutifully going through the motions, too. She felt like a kindred spirit to him. Instant connection.
He convinced himself he had fought her advances off for weeks but finally caved. Of course, he caved. If he didn't want her, he wouldn't have been around her. He desperately wanted what she was giving: attention, strokes to his ego, love, passion, kissing that felt like he was kissing a woman, not a mommy.
Intimacy like he used to have, not intimacy where someone was doing him a favor. Someone who wanted to find out what was on his mind. Someone who had something new to say. Someone who looked at him like he was new/great/mysterious.
And bam! He dropped 15 pounds in two weeks (a telltale sign of a man having an affair), and then he checked even further out of his marriage. The dopamine levels in his brain bordered on psychosis levels. All he could think of was her — her touch, her taste, her smell, her laugh, the sound of her voice, her witty retorts — and everything in his life revolved around her.
They send each other text message after text message when their spouses aren't looking; they plan time together when their kids are at play dates; they are constantly late for dinner; they no longer help their kids with homework; they no longer cook; they stop calling their spouses during the day; they call in sick day-after-day and book hotel room after hotel room. They can't get enough.
But after that lovely rant, the main reason married men cheat is they have an emotional disconnection with their wives. They no longer feel needed or wanted and may feel useless in the marriage, so they seek the need somewhere else.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series The Problem with Women… is Men.