Psychology Says If You Can Master These 9 Skills, People Have No Choice But To Respect You
Be loved and respected by honing these enviable skills.
blackandbrightph | Canva We are not born with respect. We usually learn and develop self-respect first through our actions. It comes from how we feel about ourselves and our worth. You are worth loving, and you are worth taking action to create the healthy, loving future you desire with people who support and respect you.
Start building your self-respect by committing to simple daily actions and sticking to them no matter what, and the respect you develop for yourself will be reflected by other people.
If you can master these nine skills, people have no choice but to respect you:
1. Focus on the present
You can’t change the mistakes of the past. You can’t go back and fix what went wrong. You can, however, forgive yourself and focus on doing better now, in the present moment. Say to yourself, “I forgive myself for judging myself for (fill in the blank with past behaviors you are still judging)."
Commit to doing your best moving forward. A study in Social and Personality Psychology Compass supports how your future is not determined by your past. It is determined by what you do today, right now.
It’s not only acceptable to stand up for yourself but it is required to do so to feel good about yourself. Don’t fret about the past. Instead, do your best in the moment.
2. Change your inner dialogue
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If you are constantly criticizing yourself and putting yourself down, you will never believe you are worthy of being treated any better. You’ll want to change your inner dialog to a more positive and supportive one.
Affirmations work when you realize everything you say to yourself about yourself is an affirmation, as shown by research from The American Psychological Association (APA). You’re affirming your negative qualities every time you say something like, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I screwed that up again.”
Start affirming and reinforcing your positive qualities. Create affirmations to affirm what you want to believe about yourself.
Here are a few affirmations to get you started on changing your inner dialog:
- “I am worth loving respectfully.”
- “I love, approve, and accept myself.”
- “I only attract people into my life who value and respect me.”
3. Focus on small daily actions
You’re not going to develop self-respect overnight. Attempting to change everything about yourself all at once will only set you up to fail. Small, consistent changes can have a dramatic effect in a relatively short period.
If you forget or make a mistake, start again. Every day is a new opportunity to respect yourself and stick to the commitments you have made to yourself.
You never have to be perfect — that is an unrealistic expectation. Simply do your best. That is all anyone can ask of you.
4. Respect your beliefs and values
When you don’t respect your beliefs and values, you constantly end up feeling like you’ve let yourself down. This causes you to lose respect for yourself and leaves you vulnerable to people who want to manipulate you.
When you make changes in your behavior, you may get pushback from people who are accustomed to getting what they want from you. A study from the APA supports how those who truly love you will adjust and appreciate your new behaviors and boundaries.
The only way to break this cycle is to take actions that are in alignment with self-respect. Be sure to walk your talk, as that is the way to show others how you would like to be treated by them.
5. Keep your heart karma clean
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Integrity doesn’t come from whether or not you make mistakes; there is no way you can do everything perfectly. Integrity comes from how you behave when you do make a mistake.
Keep your heart karma clean by having clear communication when you make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings, and offer amends when appropriate.
Take responsibility for your actions and apologize when appropriate. The more you take responsibility, the better you will feel about yourself.
Self-respect grows when you don’t fall into blame or shame and instead work to fix your missteps.
6. Treat others with respect
If you want respectful love, you have to learn how to give respectful love. You can’t expect to be respected if you aren’t respectful.
Honor your word, and if you are unable to honor it, communicate a new agreement. Make best efforts to honor the requests made of you, and do not take on more than you can comfortably manage.
Own your half of a disagreement and communicate with kindness and compassion, as suggested by research in Frontiers in Communication. Pause before you lash out in anger. Treating others with respect builds your self-respect.
7. Respect your body and your choices
You won’t be loved because you’re good at physical intimacy. You won’t be loved because you’re willing to drop everything when someone calls to hook up. Casual, meaningless intimacy is not the path to long-lasting love with an ideal partner. (If you do enjoy being physical without strings attached, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re communicating clearly with your partner/s.)
Never think you have to do things with your body to earn love or connection. You are worth the wait.
The person who wants a relationship with you will be willing to wait for you. Have clear boundaries and clear communication about what it may or may not mean to you.
8. Fill your cup first
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Going into sacrifice is not a good strategy for finding and keeping love. It is emotionally draining and leaves you feeling angry and resentful. You can’t give love to get love.
Instead, schedule time for yourself to refuel and stick to those appointments like they are the most important ones on your calendar. If you don’t, you can never expect someone else to make you one, either.
9. Love, approve and accept all parts of you
You are worth loving, even with all of your flaws. You are worth loving because you are human and unique (and all humans are flawed). Your flaws are not less lovable. You are not broken or unfixable.
Judgment of self leaves you feeling bad about yourself, which reduces your motivation to change. A study from The Behavior Research and Therapy Journal explores how judging yourself creates resistance inside of you. This resistance leaves you feeling stuck. If you believe you are broken, then there is nothing you can do about your flaws.
Instead, love your flaws because they are part of what makes you special. Practice radical acceptance. When you stop resisting who you are, you free up your energy to make new choices.
Self-respect leads to healthy relationships. There will likely be some people in your life who will resist the changes you make on your journey to cultivating self-respect. They will try to get you to behave the way you always have. These people don’t love you.
Someone who truly loves you will support you in your growth. They will cheer you on when you make healthy choices in your life. You will get to be loved and accepted for who you are.
You deserve people in your life who will value you, respect you, and stand by you, no matter what. These relationships can last a lifetime, not because you don’t have any problems or conflicts, but because you’re committed to working through the tough times together.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches, the founders of Creating Love On Purpose, which takes a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks into love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.