10 Traits Of A Narcissistic Grandparent, According To Psychology
Setting boundaries with certain family members is key to protecting your emotional well-being.
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock Navigating adult relationships with your parents is difficult enough without grandchildren, narcissistic behaviors, and overstepped boundaries to complicate things. However, there are certain traits of a narcissistic grandparent, according to psychology experts, that can help adult children to protect their own emotional well-being and relationships with their kids.
Considering narcissistic behaviors often lead to childhood trauma and damaged relationships in adulthood, according to a study published by Bridgewater State University, it's important that parents acknowledge and act on this behavior to protect their children, stopping the cycle of generational resentment that would otherwise occur.
Here are 10 traits of a narcissistic grandparent, according to psychology
1. They undermine your authority
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Narcissistic grandparents tend to look out for their own interests above all else, even if that means undermining the authority of their adult kids' parenting styles, boundaries, rules, and expectations with their own children. According to psychologist David J. Bredehoft, many will overindulge with their grandchildren, praising them with gifts and treating them when their parents aren't around.
A Mott Poll Report on children's health found that this kind of behavior tends to do much more harm than good, not just for grandchildren, but for grandparents' relationships with their adult children. Nearly 15% of parents report that these disagreements and the undermining of their authority negatively affects their children's relationships with their grandparents.
Sometimes, having an open conversation with your parents, as an adult child, about your expectations can go a long way, but with narcissists, they tend to resort to anger or isolation when they're called out for this behavior. They're not concerned enough with the health of these relationships to change their behavior, especially at the expense of their own validation and false image.
2. They only spend time with their grandkids when it benefits them
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Dating coach Erika Jordan suggests that grandparents who struggle with boundaries may show up "accidentally" or unannounced at a grandchild's public events, inserting themselves into situations where they're not needed or invited under the guise of supportiveness.
To maintain their image as the "perfect" grandparent, they don't worry about how their presence negatively affects anyone else, as long as it benefits them — whether through validation, a grandchild's surprise, or the opportunity to take pictures for social media.
3. They relay a fictional narrative of their relationships on social media
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The same grandparent who gets angry or talks poorly about you when you ask them to babysit will take a million photos for social media while they're watching their grandkids. The actual act of babysitting is what they loathe, but getting attention and validation from it on social media? That's golden.
A 2020 study on selfie engagement suggests that narcissists use social media and engagement online to fuel their own ego — with constant photos, reminders of their achievements, and prompts to receive praise. Many even become hyper-fixated on maintaining that perfect narrative on social media, monitoring their engagement and struggling to live in the moment without taking photos or videos.
4. They spoil their grandkids with gifts
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Considering many narcissistic people harbor unhealthy relationships in most aspects of their lives, the one they share with their grandkids is not different. They don't know how to show true love with open communication, support, and unconditional love, so instead they resort to spoiling them with gifts to manipulate them.
According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, narcissists usually only give gifts to people to assert their superiority over them. They're always thinking about how they can gain control in a relationship, and sometimes, that's by manipulating them with misguided praise and gifts.
5. They victimize themselves
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Trauma recovery coach Julie L. Hall argues that narcissists often target the victim of their hurtful comments or actions by shifting blame away from themselves, sometimes even framing the other person to be the perpetrator. As one of the traits of a narcissistic grandparent, according to psychology, these types of narcissists will utilize their grandchildren to help further assert their victimhood by demeaning their children's behavior and undermining their authority.
If they make a mistake, they'll resort to blaming their "scapegoat" grandchild or even suggesting it's a parenting flaw that sparked negative outcomes. If they're called out by their own child, they'll isolate themselves, claiming they were hurt or disrespected. Any behavior that sparks confusion and chaos in their family serves as a means for them to manipulate others and victimize themselves.
6. They cross your boundaries as a parent
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Especially if parents rely on grandparents to cut the costs of childcare or to help with parenting during emergencies, narcissists will take advantage of that need by weaponizing it to get what they want and manipulate others. By holding these important things over their adult children's heads, they can manipulate them to behave in a way that benefits their image, victimhood, and superiority.
While many grandparents struggle with boundaries, especially with their adult children's first child, narcissistic grandparents behave much differently — utilizing clear emotional manipulation and actively avoiding and dismissing their children's reassertion of their expectations.
7. They seek out drama and spread rumors
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Narcissists tend to create chaos out of the little things, especially if someone else made a mistake, said something hurtful, or called them out for their behavior. Instead of communicating, forgiving, and forgetting, they weaponize other people's weaknesses, engaging in toxic gossip-led conversations and spreading rumors. Even narcissistic grandparents have this trait, spreading gossip about their adult children's parenting flaws and expectations to demean their parental identity.
Thriving on controlling other people, gossip serves as the perfect tool for narcissists to manipulate others, according to psychotherapist Dr. Christopher Taylor. By altering other people's perceptions, creating chaos, and sparking division, they can catch others at their weakest points and further assert their misguided superiority.
8. They have a favorite grandchild
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According to a study in Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, narcissists have an innate lack of empathy, making it difficult for them to both express and acknowledge other people's emotional needs. This lack of empathy manifests in a million different ways, but for narcissistic grandparents, it fuels their ability to frame their grandchildren as either the "favorite" or the "scapegoat" without guilt.
Grandchildren are manipulated as tools for a narcissistic grandparent's gain. The "favorite" grandchild may feed into a grandparent's tendency to overindulge, gossip, or speak poorly of a parent to appease their negative behavior. On the other hand, a "scapegoat" grandchild serves as the perpetrator for their grandparent's bad behavior; they essentially take all the blame.
Not only does this subtly sabotage a grandparent's relationship with their grandkids, it sparks resentment and division among families long after they've left.
9. They urge their grandkids to lie to or deceive their parents
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Considering a narcissist's negative behavior and manipulation can linger well after they've left, sparking resentful feelings and disillusionment in families, it's important to consider family therapist Stephanie Macadaan's grounding reminder for setting boundaries with a toxic person.
"I have an 80/20 rule in relationships," she explains. "We want relationships to feel good and easy 80% of the time, but 20% of the time people are going to be tired, cranky, hungry or overwhelmed. We aren't going for 100% feeling good all the time, but if you notice that the majority of the time it feels bad or damaging, that's when you know there is a problem."
10. They emotionally harm their own kids
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Narcissistic grandparents don't just manifest overnight; in fact, they've likely relied upon their toxic behavior while parenting their own children. By utilizing those same tactics when their kids have their own families, they can draw on sore spots and their unresolved trauma to get what they want. Sometimes, it's even the disconnect between a grandparent's seemingly supportive and loving behavior that's disillusioning for their adult children, sparking resentment and frustration at home.
Their kind remarks to their grandkids often come at the expense of their adult children's well-being. They subtly pick away at their adult children's weaknesses to push them towards conflict or saying something hurtful, so they can turn around and weaponize that response. They'll do whatever it takes to assert their dominance, no matter how toxic or misguided that behavior is.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.