9 Ways A Narcissistic Person Uses 'Dry Begging' To Get What They Want Without Asking
There's no level narcissists won't stoop to in order to get their way.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Narcissism exists on a spectrum, meaning that people can exhibit narcissistic tendencies without being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. According to a diagnostic report from StatPearls Publishing, a narcissistic person has a heightened sense of entitlement and self-importance. They express a lack of empathy and a need for admiration.
A narcissistic person tends to exploit other people through a variety of tactics, one of which is known as "dry begging." Life coach Elizabeth Shaw defined dry begging as "a subtle manipulation tactic that narcissistic individuals use to get what they want without directly asking for it."
There are various ways a narcissistic person uses dry begging to get what they want without asking, which allows them to protect their fragile egos and get their needs met, without having to give anything in return.
Here are 9 ways a narcissistic person uses 'dry begging' to get what they want without asking
1. They drop subtle hints about their needs
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
A narcissistic person will drop hints about what they need and expect you to provide those things. They might casually mention that their car broke down and they have no way to get to work, then sit back and wait for you to offer them a ride. They might complain about how hard it is to find a babysitter and how badly they need a date night, bringing up the topic over and over, until you say you'll watch their kids.
As Shaw explained, dry begging is a way of asking for something without actually asking. "Instead of making a straightforward request, they drop subtle hints, they appeal to your emotions, and let you come to the decision to give them what they're after," Shaw said. "This method lets the narcissist keep their ego and their pride intact, while making you feel like helping them was your idea, all along."
Shaw offered an example, saying, "Instead of directly asking you for money... a narcissist may say something along the lines of, 'I'm short on rent this month, because I lent money to my friend who hasn't paid me back yet." Shaw noted that in all likelihood, the narcissistic person didn't actually lend out any money, yet claimed they did to build themselves up and make themselves seem generous.
"This indirect statement makes it appear as though the narcissist has helped somebody else," she continued. "It tugs on your empathy. It tugs on your guilt, making you feel like you ought to offer them financial assistance."
A narcissistic person centers their own needs first and foremost, which means they won't offer you help in return. Their oversized egos make it so they can't see past their own life, which they believe is more important than anyone else's. Yet that same ego makes them not want to seem weak, which is why they utilize dry begging instead of directly asking for help.
2. They fake helplessness
fizkes | Shutterstock
A narcissistic person will fake helplessness to get what they want without asking. In a similar vein to hinting at their needs, they'll talk about how hard their life is, until you offer to be their support person. They'll say how stressed they are, how overwhelmed they feel, how they can't seem to get it all done. The next thing you know, you're helping them run errands and cooking them dinner.
Faking helplessness plays into the way that narcissists use dry begging to elicit sympathy for their struggles. They still want you to be impressed by them, which is why they don't say, "I need help." Dry begging allows them to see themselves as superior to you, while you bend over backwards to do what they want.
3. They frequently mention what they can't afford
GaudiLab | Shutterstock
A narcissist will let you know how low their bank account is this month. They'll tell you that they can't buy groceries or that their car needs hundreds of dollars of repairs that they can't float, and then, they wait for you to offer help.
Dr. Lisa Webb noted that people with narcissistic tendencies lack empathy and make everything about themselves, which means they want what they want, when they want it, with no regard for how it affects anyone else.
"The narcissist tends to be selfish and self-involved and usually unable to understand what other people are feeling," she explained. "Narcissists expect others to think and feel the same way they do and seldom think about others' feelings. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or accepting of guilt."
A narcissistic person doesn't feel guilty about dry begging to get you to give them money or anything else they think they deserve.
4. They say that no one appreciates them
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock
A narcissistic person uses dry begging as a way to seek praise and validation. They might say things like, "I do so much and no one appreciates me," which is a classic example of fishing for compliments or expressions of gratitude.
"When you thank them, they might counter with, 'You don't really mean that,' forcing you to further reassure them," Shaw said. They'll loudly announce their self-pity, which then forces other people to give them the reassurance they need to boost their egos.
According to a psychology study from NYU published in Personality and Individual Differences, the underlying root of narcissism isn't an inflated sense of self, but rather, insecurity. "The results suggest that narcissism is better understood as a compensatory adaptation to overcome and cover up low self-worth," Mary Kowalchyk, the study's lead author, explained. "Narcissists are insecure, and they cope with these insecurities by flexing. This makes others like them less in the long run, thus further aggravating their insecurities, which then leads to a vicious cycle of flexing behaviors."
A narcissistic person usually isn't self-aware enough to know that flexing, fishing for compliments, and dry begging make them seem arrogant and emotionally fragile, so they repeat their well-worn pattern of behaviors, as long as they continue to get what they want without asking.
5. They use emotional stories as leverage
Kmpzzz | Shutterstock
Narcissists appeal to people's desire to be helpful by sharing emotional sagas, when what they're really doing is exploiting people's empathy to get what they want. They take advantage of people's generosity by alluding to their hardships, which they believe are worse than anyone else's.
As licensed marriage and family therapist Dan Neuharth pointed out, narcissistic people think they're better than other people, so "they feel entitled to break the rules and receive special treatment. They expect others to admire, defer to, and take care of them. If their expectations don't materialize, they can become enraged."
A narcissistic person genuinely expects others to go out of their way to provide for them, which is why they use dry begging to get what they want without asking.
6. They make passive-aggressive remarks
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
They might say things like, "It must be nice to have such a great job, such a great relationship, or such a great life." They don't mean this as a compliment. These statements are implications that everyone else has it so much easier, which is how a narcissistic person manipulates you into giving them what they want.
In an interview for YourTango's Relationship Fitness Summit, clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvisala noted the rise of one specific type of narcissistic person: the vulnerable narcissist. Traits of vulnerable narcissism include having a victim mentality, being passive-aggressive to manipulate people's emotions, an inability to accept self-determination, and a sense of resentfulness.
"They are not the shiny grandiose narcissist who bounds in looking great and holding court," Dr. Ramani explained. "These are people who are not actually always socially successful, but they think they deserve to be, they think they deserve more success, and they don't understand why somebody else had it so easy."
Being passive-aggressive and using dry begging allows a narcissistic person to preserve their sense of superiority and maintain their fragile pride, since they didn't explicitly ask for anything.
7. They maintain a sense of control by not being straightforward
voronaman | Shutterstock
As Shaw noted, "The underlying goal of dry begging is to manipulate you into giving them what they want, without them having to explicitly ask for it." According to Shaw, dry begging "gives the narcissist control over the situation, maintains their sense of superiority, and allows them to deny any wrongdoing when confronted. It allows them to use plausible deniability."
Psychoanalyst Lisa Schlesinger shared that people with narcissistic tendencies need to develop a sense of self-awareness about their behavior to maintain healthy relationships with other people. "Self-awareness allows you to create the space for change and empower you to make different choices," she explained. "Know your good, bad, and ugly traits and how they are affected by narcissistic behavior."
Schlesinger noted that getting professional help in the form of psychodynamic therapy is "the most direct way to address your narcissistic tendencies."
8. They guilt-trip
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A. | Shutterstock
One way a narcissistic person will use dry begging to get what they want without asking is by guilt-tripping you. They low-key blame you for not meeting their needs. Whether it's your mom saying she wishes you'd call more often or your spouse wondering why the kitchen's a mess if you're home all day with the kids, guilt-tripping is designed to make you feel so bad, you'll do what that person wants.
Guilt-tripping is peak emotional manipulation. As psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff explained, "People who guilt trip are world-class blamers, martyrs, and drama queens. They know how to make you feel bad about something by pressing your insecurity buttons... This gives them a sense of power and control... They use guilt to manipulate so you do what they desire."
Dr. Orloff suggested setting strict limits with guilt-trippers, as well as releasing the idea of perfection and knowing your "guilt buttons."
"No one can make you feel guilty if you don't believe you've done something wrong," she revealed. "However, if you doubt yourself, guilt can creep in... Believing you are doing the best you can in a situation can quell any guilt and bring comfort no matter what anyone says."
9. They make you think helping was your idea
fizkes | Shutterstock
A narcissistic person uses a form of manipulative control that allows them to shrug off any accountability. If you ask them to repay the money you lent them last year, they'll tell you that they never asked you for money. Technically, this might be right, which is how a narcissistic person squirms their way out of being responsible for returning any emotional support or financial assistance.
Shaw noted that knowing your own limits and establishing clear boundaries can stop dry begging from affecting your life. "The best way to handle dry begging is to recognize the game they're playing, acknowledge their feelings, but don't offer your support if you do not have the ability to do so," she concluded.
While it usually feels good to help people out, helping a narcissistic person who uses dry begging usually puts you in an imbalanced position, which doesn't feel good at all.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.