10 Signs A Friend Is A Backstabber (And You Need To Protect Yourself)
You don't need a person like this in your life.
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock Having friends is essential to our mental and physical well-being. According to the American Psychological Association, the strength of people’s social connections can predict their life satisfaction, along with their health and longevity. People with friends are more satisfied with their lives overall and are less likely to have depression.
The quality of someone’s friendships matters just as much, if not more, than the quantity of friends they have. Having fake or toxic friends will cause more harm than good, since those friendships aren’t based on true trust or respect. It’s not always easy to know when friendships are unhealthy, which is why it’s so important to pay close attention to the signs a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself.
Listening to how you feel when you’re around certain friends can clue you in to whether or not they really care for you.
Here are 10 signs a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself
1. They talk behind your back
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Talking behind your back is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. When you tell a friend something in confidence, you trust them to not share that information with others, but a backstabbing friend will talk behind your back without a second thought. They’ll share your secrets and even go so far as to spread rumors about you.
Having a friend who is a backstabber can shake your sense of trust and make it hard to know which friendships are real and which aren’t.
While we tend to put romantic relationships and friendships in totally separate categories, in reality, there’s much more overlap between the two than we think. As the American Psychological Association noted, research shows that the qualities that matter in romantic relationships are the same ones that matter in friendships: Intimacy, chemistry, and warmth.
A major part of creating close friendships comes from self-disclosure. People have to share their thoughts and feelings in order to feel close to each other. When people share what they think and how they feel., they not only build the foundations of friendship, they also increase their empathy and solidify their identities.
A true friend will be open with you. They’ll consider your feelings and they won’t talk behind your back.
2. They’re competitive
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Another sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself is that they’re competitive with you to a harmful degree. A true friend will celebrate your achievements and be proud of your wins, but a friend who’s a backstabber will try to make you feel unworthy by minimizing all that you’ve accomplished.
Being competitive goes hand-in-hand with comparison. While some amount of comparison is normal human behavior, getting trapped in comparison culture can wreak havoc on your sense of self. YourTango's CEO Andrea Miller defines comparison culture as “a societal phenomenon in which individuals habitually engage in the practice of constantly measuring themselves, their achievements, possessions, and life situations against those of others.”
62% of people who responded to the survey shared that comparison culture is super problematic or somewhat problematic in their lives. While comparing yourself to others isn’t an easy habit to break free from, YourTango CEO Andrea Miller noted that being grateful is an antidote to being competitive.
Miller revealed that practicing gratitude “is a power move… It can shift you from a feeling of scarcity and fear to abundance and gratitude. This is at the heart of this practice. Go from scarcity to abundance.”
While a true friend revels in your successes, a friend who’s a backstabber will compare themselves in a way that feels damaging.
3. They put you down
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Putting you down is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. They might hide their cruelty with a kind tone of voice or tell you that they’re only kidding after saying something mean. They might give you compliments that are actually insults in disguise. They might pretend to be your friend, but really, their contempt for you will find a way to peek through.
Psychology professor Melanie Dirks noted that “Friendships are the first relationships in life that we get to freely choose.”
“Because of that, they present a really important opportunity to learn how to navigate challenging interpersonal situations before we enter relationships as adults,” she concluded.
Yet we don’t always choose friends who are good for us in the long-run. A friend who subtly cuts you down with a smile on their face isn’t actually a friend, at all, and you need to protect yourself from their backstabbing ways.
4. They fake concern
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Faking concern for you is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. If someone pretends to care about you, but then uses emotionally manipulative tactics against you, it shows that they’re a backstabber, not a real friend.
Their untrustworthy behavior is a sign they’re a backstabber, as well as a sign that they lack empathy.
The authors of a study published in the journal “Emotion” defined empathy as “the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings,” noting that having empathy is “ a fundamental aspect of social interactions and relationships.”
The study found that being empathic makes social interactions more meaningful, while increasing prosocial and altruistic behavior.
Empathy is highly valued in relationships, but someone who fakes empathy for social status isn’t actually your friend. They are a backstabber and you need to protect yourself.
5. They play the victim
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Playing the victim is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. According to trauma therapist Nancy Carbone, having a victim mentality means everything is “always someone else’s fault.”
“If you're a victim, everyone else is to blame because you shirk all responsibility and blame others when things go wrong,” she explained. A person who plays the victim says phrases that absolve them of holding themselves accountable for hurting other people. If your friend acts in hurtful ways but then exclaims it’s not their fault, they’re a backstabber and you need to protect yourself.
6. They’re unreliable
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Being unreliable is another sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. While everyone is unreliable sometimes, a friend who is habitually unreliable is basically letting you know that they don’t care enough about you to show up.
They might cancel plans last minute or always have excuses as to why they can’t be there when you need them. If their chronic unreliability becomes a point of contention in your friendship, it could be a sign that they don’t have your best interests at heart, and you need to protect yourself.
7. They lack remorse
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Another sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself is that they lack any remorse for things they’ve done wrong. If you confront them for hurting your feelings or behaving in a way that causes harm, they brush you off by minimizing your emotions. They might tell you that you’re being too sensitive or to just get over it. If they do say they’re sorry, their apology is insincere, like they’re saying it just to get you off their back.
As licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley explained, “Apologies are powerhouses, but when used nefariously, an apology serves to shut down an argument.”
A true apology “has the power to soothe and validate your partner’s reality, to repair the hurt that your mistake caused, and to hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
Riley noted that a heartfelt apology doesn’t only help the other person it can also help you grow, too. By apologizing, “you are giving yourself the gift of accountability. You are healing the pain caused by your mistake. You are validating and respecting your partner, and you are growing into a healthier version of yourself.”
A person who offers a true apology will also offer actionable steps to change their behavior in the future, while a friend who’s a backstabber will barely show any remorse, at all.
8. They don’t provide emotional support
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Another sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself is that they don’t support you when times get tough. While having fun together is a crucial part of keeping a friendship alive, true friends show up even when things aren’t fun, at all. They’re with you for the highs and they don’t run away from the lows. They sit with you while you cry and help you through your losses. They hold your hand and tell you that everything will be okay, even if nothing is okay, right now.
When someone is meant to be in your life forever, they can carry you when you need support. When someone bolts every time life gets heavy, it’s a sign they’re a backstabber and you need to protect yourself.
9. They push your boundaries
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Not respecting your boundaries is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. The very act of setting boundaries is hard enough, but maintaining your boundaries and enforcing consequences when people cross your boundaries can be even harder.
According to counselor Audrey Tait, you’ll know when your boundaries are broken by paying attention to your emotions.
“Understand that anger is an emotion that arises, in this case, because someone has broken a boundary,” she explained. “There is nothing wrong with anger. The issue comes in how you choose to express yourself.”
Setting consequences when people disrespect your boundaries might not be easy, but it will protect you from being hurt in the future.
10. They gaslight you
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Gaslighting is another sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. As therapist Reta Faye Walker explained, “Gaslighters are adept at keeping you ‘off balance,’ second guessing yourself, wondering if you are too sensitive, too loud, too tidy, or too anything.”
She shared that gaslighting can show up in various ways. When someone denies or dismisses your feelings, it’s a form of gaslighting. Minimizing your concerns or making you feel like any issue that comes up is your fault is also gaslighting behavior.
A friend who gaslights you will make you doubt your reality. They will position themselves in a way where they have control over the friendship. They can turn on you at any time, which shows that they are a backstabber and you need to protect yourself.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.