10 Signs Someone Is Intimidated By You But Is Trying To Hide It
Intimidated people tend to close themselves off.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock When we feel intimidated by other people, it affects how we speak, how we hold ourselves, and even what we say. The feeling of intimidation stems from the belief that whoever we're interacting with holds more power than we have. This perceived imbalance of status or influence can make our minds go blank and our voices tremble.
Sometimes, being intimidated makes us feel like we have to prove our worth in an aggressive way. These reactions are based in evolutionary psychology. Being intimidated triggers people's fight-or-flight response, even when the sense that they're facing a threat isn't based in reality. The signs someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it can be subtle, but once you know what to look for, you can set them at ease.
Here are 10 signs someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it
1. They're overly polite
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While it's a good thing for someone to show that they were raised with good manners, there's such a thing as being too formal and too focused on propriety. When someone is intimidated by you, they might address you by your full name, even when you tell them to use your nickname. They might apologize excessively, as though they're worried about taking up too much space.
Their reaction to feeling intimidated is to defer to you, which shows up as excessive politeness. And while being overly polite doesn't seem like such a bad thing, licensed clinical social worker Amy Morin explained that being too polite often leads to indirect communication, which can create misunderstandings. Someone who's excessively polite might hesitate to bring up important issues, and unresolved issues often lead to feelings of tension or contempt.
Someone who's too polite for their own good might find it hard to break their life-long habit of deferring to other people, but learning how to show up as a more authentic version of themselves benefits everyone.
2. They feel a need to justify their opinions
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Another sign someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it is that they justify every opinion, as though they're gearing up for a major disagreement. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, as long as they're not toxic or directly harmful to other people.
Someone who is intimidated by you can come off as being confrontational, even when there's no conflict between the two of you. It's hard to keep conversation flowing in a natural, easy way when one person feels like they're under attack for what they think. They might misinterpret you as threatening or unapproachable, which makes them feel like the discussion you're having is a competition they have to win.
3. They display false confidence
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A naturally confident person will seem at ease with themselves, since they have nothing to prove. They're gracious listeners who keep an open mind. They tend to have a calm and accepting demeanor, while a person who's faking their confidence will brag about their accomplishments. They reveal their oversized egos by putting you down to boost their self-esteem.
Most people have heard that the best way to build confidence is to "fake it 'til you make it," but as it turns out, that approach might not work as well as they think. A study on emotional suppression from Stanford University found that people who try to hide their feelings are rarely successful at doing so. When someone tries to conceal a strong emotion, their body usually "leaks" the truth through non-verbal cues.
The researchers discovered that subjects who were told to push down their emotions reported feeling distracted, worried, and on edge. They also experienced a steady increase in blood pressure. The study ultimately showed that we reveal how we really feel, whether we mean to or not.
When someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it, chances are high that their underlying self-consciousness will show itself in one way or another.
4. They don't initiate interactions with you
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An intimidated person may seem happy to hear from you whenever you call. They'll text you back, but they won't text you first. They might have a hard time starting conversations. They let you take the lead when it comes to being social, since deep down, they're scared of being rejected.
Being intimidated by you causes them to self-sabotage the relationship you share, which ultimately makes them feel isolated and alone.
In an episode of YourTango's podcast "Getting Open," psychologist Guy Winch shared the very real reasons why people hold back from getting in touch with people they care for deeply. "The idea of reaching out and risking more rejection or a rebuff seems more than you can stand, so you don't," he explained. That reluctance builds up, getting so big that picking up the phone feels insurmountable and you feel more alone than ever.
"That's what loneliness does: It convinces us that the people who we have, who are dear to us, who care about us, don't care as much," Winch said. "And then it makes us reluctant to reach out and that reinforces the loneliness and it's a very difficult spiral."
In response, YourTango CEO Andrea Miller noted, "We're always waiting for the other person to go first, and then we wonder why we feel alone and hurt and angry... Where then we have that story in our head that just exacerbates the situation."
Winch revealed the antidote to that fraught situation, saying, "You need to be emotionally open, disclose, talk about your feelings... your hopes... your dreams, talk about what's difficult. You have to show emotional vulnerability, and the other person [does] as well."
Showing your vulnerable side is scary, but it's also worth it, because that's where real connection comes from.
5. They seek your approval
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They have a deep-seated need to be liked by you, which manifests as people-pleasing behavior. Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard noted that people-pleasing often arises out of fear.
"You may have learned to be a people-pleaser because of being fearful of losing the approval of others. Fear of rejection often lies at the root of a person's tendency to bend over backward to please others — sometimes at the expense of their happiness. The first step to recovering from being a people pleaser is self-awareness," Gaspard concluded.
Becoming more self-aware requires people to be honest with themselves, which means acknowledging they're intimidated. Being intimidated is an uncomfortable feeling, one that can hinder someone's ability to get close to other people. Yet there's nothing inherently wrong with feeling intimidated. It's a hugely normal human response.
At our core, we all want to be accepted. More often than not, intimidation is connected to our insecurities. If we think of ourselves as not worthy of being loved, that sense of inadequacy will ripple out into every relationship we have.
When it's all said and done, external validation is an empty form of approval, one that won't last. True acceptance has to come from within. Reminding ourselves that we're all deserving of respect and care not only teaches us self-love, it also decreases our feelings of being intimidated by others.
6. They don't open up to you
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A person who is intimidated will hesitate to share their innermost thoughts or stories about their life, because their feelings of intimidation override their ability to be vulnerable.
Showing vulnerability is the key to getting closer in every kind of relationship, from friendship to romance. As licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard explained, "For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give... You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you're afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes."
Gaspard shared that the first step to letting yourself be vulnerable is to acknowledge your fears. Since intimidation is rooted in fear, it can hold you back from expressing your fullest self. Being vulnerable is what keeps us connected, which banishes the feeling of being intimidated.
7. They seem physically tense or nervous
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The way someone holds themselves around you can be a sign they're intimidated by you but they're trying to hide it. Our body language reveals a lot about how we're feeling, even when we're actively trying not to show our emotions.
When someone is intimidated by you, they'll seem tense or nervous. They might have trouble making eye contact, looking at the floor instead of meeting your gaze. They might have stiff posture and keep their arms crossed or held rigidly at their sides. Their internal anxieties manifest in their physicality, which gives away how intimated they are.
Psychological researchers from the University of Haifa in Israel found that people with social anxiety disorder often try to control their body language as a way to deal with their discomfort. Yet trying to hide their anxiety prevented them from displaying non-verbal communication, which is a highly valuable tool for social acceptance. Their inability to mirror other people's body language often led to social rejection, confirming their fears of not being accepted.
Being intimidated can make it difficult to relax, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone who's intimated by you might struggle to let their guard down and foster a true sense of connection.
8. They worry they'll say the wrong thing
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Someone who is intimidated by you might stumble over their words or lose their train of thought. They might have a hard time expressing themselves or fall silent when they don't know what to say.
Psychologist Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford revealed the underlying reasons people feel intimidated and how to combat that feeling.
"Often, people feel intimidated due to insecurities, low self-esteem, diminished sense of self, or high anxiety levels," she explained. "Needless to say, once we have deemed someone in our head as intimidating, it can be hard to convince ourselves otherwise."
"One thing to remember when we experience feelings of intimidation is to remind ourselves no one is perfect, and we are all flawed in some way," she declared, outlining an essential human truth.
Dr. Bates-Duford offered techniques for how to approach a conversation with someone who intimidates you, noting that the best way forward is to plan for the conversation ahead of time. Pick topics you want to discuss and then practice them.
"One of the most important things you can do once you become uncomfortable or intimidated during a conversation is to stay present," Dr. Bates-Duford explained. "Try to face what you feel, and once the conversation is done, explore what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. "
She concluded, "If you allow yourself to shrink and diminish during what you perceive to be an intimidating conversation, growth does not occur, so this is where you end and where you remain."
9. They avoid asking for your advice
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They might worry that asking for help makes them seem weak. They're scared that seeking support reveals a lack of knowledge, so they shut down and stay quiet, even when they need an extra hand. While the fear that asking for help will make you seem unintelligent or incapable is very common, it isn't based in reality.
According to a study from Harvard Business School, people actually see those who ask for help as highly competent. The researchers noted that people who seek advice are seen as more competent than people who don't seek it. They found this to be especially true when people asked for help with difficult tasks, revealing that not knowing the answer sends the message that you're highly intelligent.
Being intimidated might hold people back from getting the help they need. When the fear of seeming less intelligent rears its head, remind yourself that asking for help keeps people connected, and it shows how high your intelligence really is.
10. Their energy seems off
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An intimidated person might seem disconnected or disinterested, but really, the effort they're putting into managing their emotions is so intense, they have a hard time staying present.
Intuitive coach Ronnie Ann Ryan described this phenomenon as "energy leakage," noting that it can sabotage people's sense of happiness, leaving them feeling exhausted on all levels. She explained that energy leakage occurs when "more energy drains out than comes in, causing an imbalance and a feeling of being depleted."
Taking time to yourself after a stressful social interaction can help you reset your nervous system and recenter your energy. While it's important to listen to your body and honor your needs, you shouldn't let feelings of intimidation isolate you from others. Make sure to celebrate your wins and remember: We're all human and we're all worthy.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.