10 Subtle Traits Of A Person Who Had A Hard Life, Even If They Try To Hide It
People with a difficult upbringing often continue to suffer well into adulthood.
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock People who had difficult childhoods tend to feel the emotional impact of how they were raised well into adulthood. You might not notice the subtle traits of a person who had a hard life, even if they try to hide it. When you first meet someone, you don't immediately learn about their challenges or sources of inner conflict.
Yet over time, they'll reveal how hard their life has been. They might tell you outright if they feel safe enough to share that part of themselves, but often, the way they act reveals their underlying emotional distress. The patterns we learn in childhood aren't easy to break. As we grow up, we learn how to take care of ourselves more fully, often in ways our parents couldn't provide.
Here are 10 subtle traits of a person who had a hard life, even if they try to hide it
1. They don't trust people easily
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Having trust issues often stems from past traumas. Licensed clinical social worker Robert Taibbi explained that children who can't rely on their parents to provide adequate care or protection learn that people can't really be trusted. This distrust affects their attachment style. Instead of seeing people as a source of love and support, their lack of trust means they don't let others in.
Trauma affects more than your ability to put trust in others; it often means you don't trust yourself or the world around you. According to trauma experts, people who experience intense distress believe their future will have no meaning. This sense of hopelessness is known as a "sense of a foreshortened future." It might lead you to believe that you don't deserve good things, like a steady job or a healthy relationship.
It's not easy to unlearn patterns of distrust. Recognizing that you have a hard time trusting people is the first step toward building a sense of trust. Redefining your values and thinking deeply about how you want to exist in the world can help reset your worldview to be more trusting. With practice, you can break the cycle and pave your own way, one that moves beyond your past trauma.
2. They don't know how to accept kind gestures
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A subtle trait of a person who had a hard life is not knowing how to react to kindness. Having a hard life might mean they didn't receive generosity or understanding when they were younger, which leads to them struggling to accept those things as adults. They might have a hard time accepting compliments or believing that people want to help them, without expecting anything in return.
According to a panel of YourTango experts, children need parents who are emotionally attuned to them, since they don't innately know how to self-regulate. As one expert noted, "When a caregiver attunes to and is empathetic in their responses, then the child feels understood and valued. It serves as a mirror for them to see themselves as a good person. This positive experience with the adult allows a child to feel secure and permits them to be natural and relaxed. They can grow into relaxed, secure, and productive adults."
When children are offered unconditional love and support from their parents, they tend to see the world as a safe place, where people are genuine and kind. But if they're raised in an unstable or damaging environment, they don't necessarily believe that people's intentions are good.
In order to shift their beliefs and learn to accept kindness from others, a person who had a hard life has to reexamine their fundamental ideas about relationships. While it isn't simple work, it will guide them toward opening their hearts more easily.
3. They use humor as a coping mechanism
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Using dark humor as a coping mechanism is a trait that a person has had a hard life. Joking about their past becomes a way to protect themselves. Their use of humor to break the tension might make it seem like they're not still suffering, but really, their jokes are a mask they wear. Using humor as a coping mechanism does serve a purpose: it can be healing to find moments of levity in hard times.
If a person who had a hard life feels comfortable enough to actually talk about what they've gone through, they usually shrug it off by saying their experience wasn't that bad. As therapist Eli Harwood told YourTango CEO Andrea Miller on the podcast "Getting Open," people with unresolved childhood trauma tend to tell others that it wasn't so bad.
"We go through hurtful things in childhood that we don't know how to process — even if that hurt is covert, even if it's just a parent who doesn't look us in the eyes when we're crying — we tell ourselves a story to get through that experience and the story that the average person tells themselves about the insecure attachment style with their parents is 'it wasn't that bad.' You get permission to acknowledge [that] it actually did really hurt and it's gonna be okay," Harwood concluded.
Even if things aren't okay yet, someday they will be, and it can bring some solace to hold onto that.
4. They over-apologize
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People who had a difficult life tend to over-apologize, even when they've done nothing wrong. Saying sorry is a well-worn pattern, a habit they developed to pre-empt punishment or criticism. Being raised in a judgmental household often puts people on edge, as though apologizing profusely will ward off any imbalance or disharmony.
Over-apologizing usually stems from a place of anxiety. A person who had a hard life worries that people will get angry with them over small things, so they say sorry in advance. It's a way for them to make sure they don't take up too much space. It often occurs in tandem with someone pushing their emotions aside or neglecting their own needs, since they don't want to be seen as a burden. Having needs doesn't make anyone an inconvenience, it just means you're human.
5. They're highly self-sufficient
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A person who had a hard life is highly self-sufficient, to the point where they struggle to accept help, even when they need it. They're so used to taking care of themselves that reaching out to others for support is too daunting to consider. Having a hard life means they cultivated a strong sense of resilience, which helped them push forward, even when everything felt too impossible to bear.
Certified grief coach Pamela Aloia explained, "The path to resilience is to continue onward, learning from the moments, gathering the right information so the next moment can be a little smoother."
She shared that resiliency can be developed over time, noting that doing so "requires actions that support loving yourself enough to be resilient when you're hit with a single heartbreaking challenge or an accumulation of let downs."
As valuable as resiliency is, even a person who had a hard life can't do everything on their own. They need support and community and tenderness, just like we all do.
6. They're deeply attuned to other people's hardships
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For those who had a difficult life, they're deeply empathic and very attuned to other people's experiences. They seem to just "get it," meaning that they don't need people to qualify where they're coming from, they accept others as they are. They recognize that most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have.
They have a profound understanding of other people's pain, because they've been through it, too. As relationship coach Jane Warren shared during the YourTango experts panel on moving on from a difficult childhood, one method to make sure you don't stay stuck in your past is to show up for yourself in ways other people couldn't.
"Shower yourself with love and appreciation for being here today and facing the circumstances of your life... As a result of these circumstances, there are likely benefits that you can identify (this is not about making these circumstances a 'good' thing; it's about harvesting what you can from the reality of your life)," she explained.
As much as a person with a hard life shows compassion to others, showing that same compassion to themselves is a necessary part of healing.
7. They change topics when conversations get too personal
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They might not feel ready or able to share what they've been through, so they shift the focus away from themselves when talking to other people. It might feel difficult to truly get to know a person who had a hard life, since they don't open up easily.
Vulnerability is a skill, one that has to be learned and practiced. Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard revealed that vulnerability is a necessary ingredient for building trust and true intimacy in relationships.
"You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you're afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes," she explained. "While all relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking."
"Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you're worthy of love and all of the gifts it has to offer," Gaspard concluded.
8. They have a very steady routine
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Routines provide a person who had a hard life with a sense of stability and safety that they probably weren't given on a regular basis. They find comfort in having a strict schedule, because knowing what comes next eases their anxiety. Relying on a routine lets them feel like they have control over at least one small part of their life.
While routines are beneficial in that they provide structure and can help someone manage their time, being flexible is also an important trait to have. Even with a routine, some things can't be predicted. Knowing how to move with the flow of unexpected events isn't always easy for a person who rigidly adheres to routines.
Keeping an open mind and tending to their emotional needs can help a person who had a hard life stay grounded, especially in moments of turmoil, when their routines might be disrupted.
9. They have a difficult time relaxing
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A person who had a hard life often has trouble relaxing. They have a heightened sense of internal pressure, which they use to push through tough times. Their tendency to keep themselves busy means they don't take the time they need to reset and recenter themselves.
It's almost as if they run on stress, which isn't tenable in the long run. At some point, they'll hit a wall or run out of fuel. Their likelihood of burning out is high, unless they take actionable steps to decompress.
Part of taking care of ourselves means giving ourselves permission to rest, just for the sake of it. Everyone deserves time dedicated just to themselves, where they can do things that nourish them, which might mean doing nothing, at all.
10. They withdraw when faced with conflict
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Being conflict-avoidant might be the direct result of childhood trauma. If they were raised in a home where fighting was normal, it's highly possible that they try to prevent confrontation as much as possible, so they go silent or withdraw during conflicts.
Family law attorney Jennifer Hargrave noted, "Conflict itself is not a sign of dysfunction... However, if the conflict is left unresolved and repair work is not done to mend the conflict, it can result in lasting damage to families... People learn to either avoid conflict (and never deal with it) or learn they must always win the conflict and live with the fear of losing."
Learning that conflict doesn't always equate to explosive anger or unchecked outbursts is part of learning how to be in conflict in healthy ways. It might take major self-reflection to get there, but even a person who had a hard life can overcome that emotional hurdle, if they're provided with loving support.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.