10 Rare Signs You Picked The Right Person To Settle Down With
All relationships change over time, but having a solid foundation to build upon is a valuable approach to sharing your life with someone.
Alexander Shunevich | Shutterstock Some people spend their whole lives looking for "the one." They assess potential partners for chemistry and compatibility, checking personality traits off their list and crossing out people whose life goals don't align with their own. It's well-established that good relationships take work, yet finding the right relationship takes focus and dedication, too.
It might be tempting to jump into a relationship with someone who only checks some of your boxes, but waiting for the person who fully fits what you want in a partner is worth the wait. The signs you picked the right person to settle down with might not be obvious at first, which is why knowing what you want out of a relationship is crucial to making it work.
Here are 10 rare signs you picked the right person to settle down with
1. You share comfortable silences
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The urge to fill empty space with conversation can be strong, especially when you're first getting to know someone. Yet enjoying each other's quiet company shows that you feel a sense of safety and ease in your relationship.
The presence of silence in a relationship can be a good thing, as long as that silence isn't being used as a form of punishment. The silent treatment is often an indication of a toxic relationship. When one partner ignores the other instead of openly discussing how they feel, they're weaponizing silence for the sole purpose of being vindictive. Giving your partner the cold shoulder comes from a place of cruelty, not kindness.
Yet spending quality time together without talking is a sign that your partner is the right one for you. It shows that you don't feel a need to impress them; rather, you can just be yourself with them. Sharing comfortable silences is a sign that your relationship is peaceful and grounded, and that you picked the right person to settle down with.
2. You don't have to manage their feelings
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When you've picked the right person to settle down with, you don't have to manage their feelings. They have high enough emotional intelligence to know that their feelings aren't your responsibility. You're not beholden to their emotional upswings or downswings. They know how to emotionally regulate themselves and show up to conflict in a calm way, ready and willing to talk.
Even though there's no implicit pressure to be their emotional caretaker, you still work to emotionally validate each other. Psychologist Guy Winch described the act of emotional validation as "conveying that we get what the other person is feeling and why they're feeling it." He noted that emotionally validating your partner, even when you disagree, is crucial for a functioning relationship.
Winch explained that emotionally validating your partner requires having "A clear understanding of what their feelings are by giving them the space and time to express themselves, and by giving ourselves the space and time to understand their emotional experience by asking for clarifications and elaborations or posing open-ended questions to get more information."
The first step for emotional validation is to "invite them to tell you their perspective of what happened and how they felt about it." As they express how they feel, your role is to "listen with empathy and compassion," without interrupting or getting defensive.
Clear and measured communication is a key part of emotional validation. It's important to remember that validating your partner's feelings doesn't mean fixing them. A partner who has their own wells of emotional strength won't need you to fix their feelings, which leaves both of you free to appreciate each other and amplify your shared sense of joy and affection.
3. You can show them your weird side
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You don't hide your quirks or habits, because you feel totally comfortable revealing who you really are. In an unhealthy relationship, people tend to mask their true selves, out of fear that they won't be fully accepted.
As dating and relationship coach Janet Ong Zimmerman explained, "If you act and behave in a certain way so your partner will like or love you more, you have entered a subservient relationship, not an authentically healthy one... Having the love you want and deserve takes courage."
Letting your "freak flag" fly is an act of bravery. It shows you trust your partner wholeheartedly. Instead of pretending to be someone you're not, you allow your quirks to shine through.
Sharing your stranger side can enhance the intimacy in your relationship, as it lets you be seen and gives your partner permission to be their most authentic self as well. So, drink pickle juice straight from the jar. Sing romantic ballads to your dog. Put toothpaste on your pimples before going to bed, knowing that your partner loves you, just as you are.
4. They care about your family
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If your partner shows that they care about your family, it's a rare sign you picked the right person to settle down with. Merging families is one part of entering a relationship that often isn't openly discussed. The way your partner interacts with your family can make or break your relationship. A partner who ignores your siblings or doesn't treat your parents with respect is essentially showing how they'll treat you down the road.
If your partner is the right person, they'll pay attention to your family dynamics and see where they fit in. They'll show interest in getting to know your members of your family and creating relationships with them, apart from you. They'll care about your family because they're important to you, which shows just how considerate and connected they are.
5. You laugh together
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Relationships take work, yet they should also be filled with moments of levity and laughter. A study from UC Berkeley tracked 150 married couples for 25 years, marking their emotional interactions. The researchers found that as couples grew older, they displayed more tenderness and humor towards each other.
The study showed that negative behaviors, like being critical and defensive, decreased over time, while positive behaviors, like affection and humor, increased. The findings go against long-held theories that emotions deteriorate with age, highlighting that long-term married couples can expect an emotionally positive trajectory as they grow old together.
While arguments might not disappear completely, they could lessen, as partners learn to accept each other wholeheartedly. The more you laugh together when you're young, the stronger your relationship will become later on.
6. You feel like you're on the same team
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While getting frustrated with each other is fairly inevitable, you and your partner should feel like teammates, not adversaries. When you argue, the point isn't to win, but rather, to come to an agreement that benefits both of you.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman believed that strong relationships rest on the ability to compromise. He maintained that a good compromise relied on people exploring their values and deciding what their core needs are and where they can be more flexible. He saw core needs as something a person "must have" in a relationship, as opposed to something that "would be nice to have."
Dr. Gottman emphasized that compromising doesn't mean giving in or giving up your core needs. Rather, compromising means being aware of areas where you can be flexible and meeting your partner in the middle. The first part of figuring out your core needs is being honest with yourself and deciding what you won't bend on.
The core idea behind a healthy compromise is that both halves of a couple give something up in order for both to win. No compromise is perfect, but part of having a healthy relationship is creating a balance of give and take.
Throughout his research, Dr. Gottman found that 69% of what couples fight about is unsolvable, as those problems stem from differences in needs, personality, and the way people were raised. Ultimately, compromising isn't about abandoning what's most important to you. It's about building a sense of safety between two people, so they can share their perspectives and hear where each other are coming from.
7. You can have hard conversations
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Conflict is part of being intimate with someone. While disagreements are an entirely normal part of a relationship, what matters most is how you approach them.
Educator and coach Ann Papayoti offered guidance on how couples can have hard conversations without hurting each other. She shared that one reason why a conversation feels hard is because "You're not discussing the real or larger issue. Are you choosing the 'thing' that happened this time rather than 'the dance' that happens every time?" She explained, "If the dance is happening, then it's possible this pattern is actually affecting your thoughts, feelings, and interactions with others, and that is what you need to talk about."
Papayoti recommended grounding yourself, staying open minded, and asking questions for clarification. She noted that if you start the conversation from "a posture of positivity, a tone of compassion, and an intention of sincerity, you can turn a perceived difficulty into an opportunity to understand better and grow your relationships."
8. Your relationship has a personality of its own
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No two relationships are the same, which is why it's so harmful to compare what you have to anyone else's partnership. If you've picked the right person to settle down with, you take the time to figure out what makes your partner feel happy and you incorporate those moments of joy into your life, and they do the same for you.
You and your partner have inside jokes about silly little things, the kinds of jokes that make you laugh no matter what kind of mood you're in. You have routines that make your time together feel a little more special, like pancake breakfast in bed on Sundays or pizza picnics in the living room when neither of you feels like cooking. As your relationship grows deeper, you establish traditions just for the two of you that make your connection feel even more powerful.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten emphasized the importance of creating a "bubble of love" to keep your romance strong. "Use endearments, have special jokes together, reminisce about special memories in the relationship, talk about what you thought about her when you first met, or when you first got married, or last week when she looked hot, talk about plans together (both the immediate future and decades from now), talk about how she makes you feel, what you appreciate that she did that day," she declared.
While the idea of love languages might be contested, there's value in giving your partner gifts that make them feel seen and sharing moments that make you both feel loved and cared for.
9. They don't resent you for spending time on your own
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A rare sign you picked the right person to settle down with is that they don't resent you for spending time away from them. They encourage you to pursue what you're passionate about, even if it's not an interest they share. They don't complain that you're not paying enough attention to them when you're busy crocheting a strawberry costume for your cat. Instead, they're happy that you're happy, even if they think putting the cat in a strawberry costume will cause trauma and chaos.
They encourage you to go out with your friends without them tagging along, because they know that spending time apart helps you grow as individuals, which allows your relationship to bloom.
10. They love the parts of you that you love about yourself
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They love the freckles on your cheekbone shaped like a constellation. They love your obsession with boybands from the 2000s. They love your dark sense of humor and the way you point out every bird you see.
They also love the parts of you that you have a hard time reckoning with. It's not always easy to put the concepts of self-love and self-compassion into practice, but having a partner who accepts you completely can help guide you down the path of loving yourself more deeply.
There's no such thing as a perfect partnership, and holding your partner to unreachable standards will do more harm than good. Knowing yourself and what you want from a partner will help you decide if a relationship is worth staying a part of. You'll know that you've found the one for you when they fit into your life and make it feel fuller than you knew was possible.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.