12 Phrases Parents Say That Can Push Their Adult Kids Away For Good
Emotional trauma lasts longer than parents might think.
Sata Production | Shutterstock Relationships between parents and their adult kids are anything but simple. Conflicts carry over from childhood, especially when parents repeat harmful patterns and make generalizations about their adult kids. It takes active emotional labor for parents and their adult kids to treat each other kindly. Parents who aren’t committed to changing how they show up can push their adult kids away for good.
An adult child who chooses to go no-contact with their parents usually does so when nothing else has worked. Cutting contact isn’t a decision that happens abruptly; instead, it arrives after years of built-up resentment and attempts at reconciliation. Parental estrangement is often the last resort and is usually a form of self-protection. The emotional and physical distance that going no-contact provides can give adult kids the space they need to heal and nourish their sense of individuality and independence.
Here are 12 phrases parents say that can push their adult kids away for good:
1.‘Why can’t you find a steady job?’
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Most parents want the best for their adult kids, but sometimes, their best intentions can be harmful. Parents who continually ask their adult kids why they can’t find steady work aren’t being as supportive as they think, and the question can push their adult kids away for good.
The job market for millennials and Gen Z is way more unstable than it was when their Boomer and Gen X parents found their first jobs. Parents who ask why their adult kids can’t find work demonstrate a lack of awareness of how hard it really is to find work. That line of questioning puts undue pressure on their adult kids and often increases their stress levels and feelings of inadequacy.
By repeatedly asking their adult kids when they’ll find work, parents over-emphasize their kids’ perceived failures rather than how hard they’re trying. The question makes adult kids feel like their parents don’t understand or accept them as they are. It can cause resentment to build up to the point where many adult kids distance themselves from their parents.
2.‘You need to get over it’
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A phrase parents say that can push their adult children away for good is “You need to get over it.” At its core, this phrase is dismissive and unsupportive, especially for someone who’s trying to heal from childhood trauma or emotional neglect.
A panel of YourTango experts tackled the challenging topic of why parents dismiss their adult children’s feelings. Licensed marriage and family therapist Mary Kay Cocharo explained that many parents struggle when their kids bring up negative emotions, so they shut their kids down rather than deal with their feelings of shame and remorse directly.
“It's difficult for a parent to hear that some childhood experiences were hurtful or traumatic for their children,” Cocharo shared. “Many parents have ‘rewritten’ family history to make it fit the success narrative and reduce any perceivable dysfunction. If a parent has done this, they might seek to suppress or dismiss their adult child's emotions.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Pazak noted, "Parents often have difficulties admitting their actions, words, or parenting style may have not been effective or, even worse, caused harm.”
She advised adult children to “Approach the topic by acknowledging their parent’s limitations.”
“Being aware of the triggers moving forward will empower the adult child to learn emotional regulation and not need parental acknowledgment,” Dr. Pazak concluded.
Parents who tell their adult kids to “Just get over it” when talking about the past run the risk of pushing their kids away for good.
3.'When are you giving me grandkids?’
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“When are you giving me grandkids?” is another phrase parents say that can drive their adult kids away for good. While parents might ask this question in a well-meaning or light-hearted way, adult kids tend to hear it as criticism. They internalize the belief that their parents are disappointed in them and don’t accept them for who they are at this exact moment.
By asking when their adult kids plan to have kids, parents put unnecessary pressure on their kids to make a deeply personal decision. Most of the time, asking about grandkids feels invasive. Parents who say this phrase without offering their adult kids any respite often push them away for good.
4.‘I never thought you’d turn out like this’
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The phrase “I never thought you’d turn out like this” can drive adult kids away for good because it’s highly critical and invalidating. Parents who say this phrase essentially send the message that they don’t accept their adult kids for who they are. The phrase highlights how parents would rather their adult children fit into a preconceived and rigidly defined idea of who they “should” be without recognizing who they really are.
According to a 2015 research study on parental estrangement, adult children frequently attributed being estranged to their parents’ toxic behavior and feeling like their parents didn’t support or accept them.
The researchers noted that “the ability to understand, attend to, and confirm others’ perspectives is positively associated with family satisfaction, cohesion, adaptability, and perceptions of family support.” When parents are unable or unwilling to see from their adult kids’ perspective, they risk driving their adult kids away for good.
The researchers concluded that rebuilding a broken parent-child relationship requires effort from both sides. Not fully understanding or acknowledging the reasons for estrangement will make reconciliation even more difficult.
5.‘You’re so ungrateful’
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Parents who tell their adult kids they’re ungrateful can push them away for good. Parents who say this phrase tend to weaponize the support they’ve provided in the past, holding it as leverage for their adult children to behave according to their expectations.
According to a study from the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, adult family estrangement can be defined as “The breakdown of a supportive relationship between family members.” The study involved a survey of 807 individuals to examine the psychological consequences of being estranged. The top reasons that participants reported for why they were estranged from their family members were emotional abuse, mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, and a clash of personalities or values.
While estrangement isn’t easy, the study found that many participants found it healing. About 80% reported having positive experiences in estrangement, such as feeling greater freedom and independence.
6.‘I gave up so much for you’
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When parents say the phrase, “I gave up so much for you,” it can push their adult kids away for good. The phrase reinforces the idea that kids owe their parents affection and attention. It tends to cause guilt and obligation, making their kids feel indebted to their parents rather than being loved just for who they are.
Even when going no-contact is the right decision, it’s still an emotionally fraught one. Dating coach Erika Jordan noted that cutting a parent off is usually followed by a major mourning period.
“This isn't just mourning the end of the relationship as it exists but also the loss of what could have been— the potential for a healthy, supportive familial connection,” she explained. Jordan described that form of grief as “profound and complex,” yet necessary to acknowledge to move forward.
7.‘I know what's best for you’
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Another phrase parents say that can push their adult kids away for good is “I know what’s best for you.” This phrase can undermine an adult child’s sense of independence while making them feel beholden to their parents’ opinions about their lives.
Psychologist Aline Zoldbrod noted that children need to establish emotional distance from their parents to develop their perspectives and personalities.
“Adult children have their views on life, their ways of doing things, their own choices in career, life partners, [and] styles of childrearing,” Zoldbrod explained. “This can be a difficult transition for parents. If parents try to impose their views, beliefs, and opinions on adult children, those adult children can become alienated and frustrated and will cut back on spending time with parents.”
“When parents accept adult children's ways of doing things, these kinds of breaches can be healed,” Zoldbrod concluded.
8.‘Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’
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Comparing adult kids to their siblings can push them away for good. Even if a parent doesn’t see the harm in comparison, it inevitably does cause harm, leading adult kids to feel resentful while reducing their self-worth.
Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame shared that nonstop criticism and comparison are common reasons why adult children choose to have no contact with their parents.
“Constant criticism, frequent comparisons to their more conformist siblings, and efforts to control their choices will drive adult children away,” she explained, noting that the sheer act of comparing makes adult kids feel “diminished and unloved.”
“Some parents refuse to accept that once their child becomes an adult, they are entitled to make their own choices and live on their terms,” Dr. Brame revealed.
The most supportive thing a parent can do is accept their adult child’s choices, even if they don’t agree with them. Otherwise, they risk pushing them away for good.
9.‘That's not how we raised you’
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When parents say the phrase, “That’s not how we raised you,” it can push their adult kids away for good. The phrase indicates that parents are disappointed in their adult kids and refuse to acknowledge them as individuals who are allowed to make their own choices.
Adult kids often react to this phrase by becoming defensive, and they frequently decide to put distance between themselves and their parents. Until parents change their perspective and adopt a more accepting attitude, adult kids usually won’t feel the sense of safety they need to re-establish contact with their parents.
10.‘If you really loved me, you would’
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Parents who use the phrase “If you loved me, you would” to try and make their adult kids bend to their will can push them away for good. This phrase is a prime example of guilt-tripping, which rarely has the intended outcome that a parent wants. Guilt-tripping might influence an adult child’s behavior in the short term, but in the long run, extensive guilt-tripping leads to resentment, which can push adult kids away rather than bring them closer.
Building a relationship around a foundation of guilt makes that relationship inherently imbalanced. Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation that can diminish trust between an adult child and their parents and keep them from showing up in a fully emotionally present capacity.
11.‘You owe me respect’
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Parents who demand respect from their adult children can push them away for good. Saying “You owe me respect” usually leads to losing respect. The phrase denies an adult child the agency they deserve in deciding how they want to show up in their relationship with their parents. It also overlooks the fact that respect is something that’s earned, not demanded.
Respect is a two-way street that requires trust and care. Parents who say, “You owe me respect,” are usually the same parents who refuse to validate how their adult kids feel or acknowledge that they have their own separate lives. In addition to demanding respect, they often require access to their adult kids’ time and energy in a way that depletes them. All relationships are centered around reciprocity, meaning giving and taking have to occur equally. Parents who refuse to accept that can push their adult kids away for good.
12.‘We gave you everything and this is how you thank us?’
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Saying the phrase “We gave you everything, and this is how you thank us” can push adult kids away for good. This phrase is peak emotional manipulation, as it keeps an adult child captive to their parent’s expectations. Using this phrase almost always creates a sense of resentment, which can lead an adult child to put physical or emotional distance between their parents and themselves.
Parents who use this phrase imply that their love is conditional. It indicates that they expect their adult kids to behave according to their rules and values, even though they live independently. Parents who support their kids unconditionally don’t force them to be anyone other than their most authentic selves. Yet parents who push their adult kids away do so because they hold them up to unreachable standards and deny them whole-hearted love and acceptance.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry in general.