How To Stop Thinking Painful, Uncomfortable Thoughts — Without Repressing Or Denying Them
Don't let your past stalk you into the future.
RDNE Stock project | Pexels What's the quickest way to stop a painful, uncomfortable thought in its tracks? Embrace it, make it your friend!
Don't ignore it or block it because it will stalk you as if it's your shadow. Instead, treat it like a small child in distress who desperately craves your attention.
How to embrace your painful thoughts and memories so you can finally stop thinking of them
1. Soothe the child within first
When painful, uncomfortable thoughts arise, understand there is a wounded part of you that got triggered and needs soothing and reassurance. You’re the only one who truly knows and gets yourself. After all, they are a part of you, an integral aspect of your mind, your heart, and your life’s journey.
Right now, the child self needs your adult self the most. Give them a big mental hug, as if hiding them from the scary world within your embrace. “I’ve got you,” you may say. “I am here to help.” Soothe the child within first.
2. Believe you are worthy of love and respect
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At the moment of distress, validate, approve of, and agree with yourself.
Take your side and have your own back. Say, "Of course, it hurts. This jerk left me for someone younger. It’s devastating and heartbreaking. But their actions are not a reflection of who I am. I am the only one who gets to decide who I am.
"I know the truth. I am worthy of love and respect. The trash took itself out and free space for the love I truly deserve." Don’t allow other people or circumstances to shake your core. Hold your ground of self-approval and worthiness.
3. Validate your concerns
Address your fears and insecurities about the situation causing your upset. When your mind presents its concerns, validate them. After all, they are your concerns, and they matter because you do, as supported by research in the Journal of Emotional Abuse.
When the child inside says, "How will I pay the rent without a job? I don’t know what to do," face the question and answer it, not from the victim mindset of the child but from your rational adult self-perspective.
Say, "Yes, I know it is scary and uncertain, but I am capable and smart. If I don’t have all the answers right now, I will figure it out. I choose to trust myself in deserving a good life."
The magic of positive self-talk unlocks your brain to search for solutions and possibilities that the mindset of helplessness and victimhood can never find.
When you validate and empower yourself in your current life, you rewrite the script of the scared little child in your mind. Even if life hurts, as it often does, you remind yourself pain is normal, but constant suffering is not. You deserve better.
Here's how it works
When a child is born, their mind is blank, an empty canvas of creation.
As the child grows up, they witness and observe their environment. They watch the way parents, teachers, and classmates behave and interact.
In time, the child forms mental conclusions (perceptions) about themselves based on observations of reality. Since logical comprehension based on wisdom, maturity, and life experience hasn't developed yet, the assumptions of the child are clusters of emotionally charged thoughts of insecurity. At the core of every painful thought is the mindset, "I am not good enough, and I'm too unworthy, unloved, and helpless to do anything about it."
As adults, we have a different understanding of reality, and yet, in the depths of our psyche, we still harbor childhood perceptions.
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They dwell in our subconscious and occasionally go off when something upsetting happens when our partner suddenly leaves us, we lose a job, our teenager is rude, or our tire blows up on the freeway.
When life throws you a curveball, it's impossible not to react and get hurt. These are healthy responses that are unexpected based on our human design. However, a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that getting trapped in the mindset of a child when you are activated by a life event locks you in powerlessness, pain, and confusion.
At that moment, we may suddenly feel like a child again and relive the pain, shame, and blame we experienced in the past. It may feel as if a real child is tugging at us, expressing their deep longing for love, understanding, and acceptance.
This is precisely when you can call your mature, adult self to the rescue and address the emotional pain and discomfort from a rational and empowered perspective.
No matter what happened to you in the past, it didn't brand you as a victim.
Perhaps you were not in control back then, but you are in complete control over choosing what you think of yourself now, as suggested by research in the Clinical Psychological Science Journal. You choose, and what you declare becomes your identity.
Who you are is worthy of a good, happy life. View your painful and uncomfortable thoughts as friends in disguise who provide you with the opportunity to heal the wounded parts of your mind and claim your true power.
Katherine Agranovich, Ph.D., is a Medical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Consultant. She is the author of Tales of My Large, Loud, Spiritual Family.