10 Subtle Traits Of Adults Whose Parents Got Divorced When They Were Young
Family dynamics and relationships hold a lot of weight in influencing our identities.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Every year, nearly 1 million children in the U.S. experience a parental divorce, leading to a host of long-term implications that are sure to affect not only their personality and identity, but their ability to cultivate healthy relationships, connections, and stability later in life.
With nearly half of all children born to married parents likely to experience their parents' separation before turning 18 years old, it's impossible to also ignore the subtle traits of adults whose parents got divorced when they were young. While they might not have been actively aware of how the divorce affected them as a toddler or a tween, they're sure to experience the manifestation of that separation in their daily lives as an adult.
Here are 10 subtle traits of adults whose parents got divorced when they were young
1. They self-sabotage healthy relationships
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There's a sense of discomfort that many adult children of divorce unknowingly carry into adulthood when it comes to genuine romantic love, even if they aren't completely aware of the reasoning behind it. Because of this insecurity, many tend to self-sabotage healthy relationships in adulthood by exhibiting one or more destructive behaviors, as psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren suggests.
From refusing to remain emotionally available out of fear, to threatening a break up at every conflict, to over-utilizing passive-aggressive language, these adult children may sabotage their chance at healthy love without even realizing it.
What might have been a coping mechanism for them growing up, like using the silent treatment for attention, has now seeped into their ability to cultivate healthy connections as an adult.
2. They're hesitant with intimacy
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The lifelong grief that's associated with adult children of divorce, as author Leila Miller explains in her book "Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak," doesn't discriminate between households who experienced an amicable split versus a more tumultuous one. The relationship and dynamic between a child's parents, even when they're divorced or separated, impacts how they view love and intimacy in adulthood, for better or worse.
Especially for children who didn't grow up with parents who shared intimacy openly or communicated effectively, those same tendencies can carry over into their own relationships — both romantic and platonic — in adulthood.
3. They overthink
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Especially for children who unfortunately become the buffers between parents of a tumultuous divorce, the adult tendency towards anxiety and overthinking behaviors is nearly inevitable. A glaring trait of adults whose parents got divorced when they were young is their comfortability with over-analyzing their parents' behavior to "keep the peace," even post-divorce, at the expense of their own emotional well-being.
This anxiety-driven tendency doesn't just affect the health of romantic relationships, as a report from the Counseling Center Group explains, it carries over into every aspect of life — from success at work, to making adult friends, and cultivating a sense of stability in their personal life.
4. They're uncertain about having children
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Children who experience parental divorce early in their lives will often grieve the loss of a traditional family structure and those relationships as they enter adolescence and adulthood, even if they don't remember the divorce clearly. Often unresolved feelings of grief, these intense emotions can manifest as confusion and mistrust for many adults.
When they start their own long-term relationships, consider having children, or try adopting similarly traditional family structures in adulthood, most are hesitant about their longevity. They are influenced by their childhood feelings of loss and emotional responses.
5. They have specific financial habits
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Many adult children of divorce overcompensate in adulthood for the financial hardship and instability their parents often experience after going through a divorce.
While some research suggests that adults who experienced financial hardship or insecurity in their household growing up tend to develop better financial security, money habits, and spending tendencies, those experiences don't come without occasional consequence.
Research from SSM - Population Health argues that financial hardship can also cultivate anxiety and depression in adult children, especially when they're hyper-focused on maintaining a level of financial security they weren't afforded growing up.
6. They're hyper-independent
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For children who experienced divorce early in their lives, before they were aware it was happening, the tendency for them to be forced into early adulthood and responsibility — especially in single-parent households with siblings — early in adolescence is common.
This hyper-independence, according to psychologist Janice Webb, often develops in children who lived in households with busy or inattentive parents, which many single divorced parents are forced into to provide as a means to support and provide for themselves. In adulthood, this hyper-independence carries on, affecting their ability to lean on and accept support from friends, parents, and peers.
7. They're people-pleasers
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As the "peace-keepers" in their families, often bridging the gap between divorced parents growing up, many children of divorce become "people-pleasers" in adulthood. They might suppress their emotions or try to be perfect to appease romantic partners, portraying an incomplete picture of themselves in their relationships, which tends to lead to dissatisfaction and unfulfilling experiences.
For adult children with emotionally abusive partners, they may also have a tendency to succumb to their emotional abuse as a means to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
8. They have a tendency to utilize unhealthy vices
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Impactful research on childhood divorce, like a 2015 study from Longitudinal and Life Course Studies, argues that there's a link between childhood divorce (specifically for children younger than seven years old), a subsequent decline in socioeconomic status, and the usage of vices as unhealthy coping mechanisms for adult children of the same households.
There are two pathways connected, as discussed in the study, for adult children who experienced parental divorce early in their childhoods that can lead to adverse health outcomes: a reliance on vices like smoking to offset the psychological and emotional stress of divorce, and the tendency for divorced families to experience a decline in their financial stability.
9. They struggle with self-esteem
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One of the most subtle traits of adults whose parents got divorced when they were young is ongoing issues with confidence. For adult children from a diverse array of childhoods and family structures, self-esteem issues can be generational, at least according to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Considering children develop self-esteem as early as five years old, a parent's role in cultivating a welcoming environment for self-expression and confidence can be incredibly important for their long-term comfort. And when they don't understand how to structure that environment for themselves, their children suffer.
10. They value stability over passion
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Some adult children of divorce will forgo their own interests and passions in the name of self-preservation and stability, as they were often hyper-focused on keeping the peace, mediating conflict, or growing up too quickly to do it in childhood. While this can be true of their hobbies, this tendency also seeps into their relationships.
While there's research to suggest the opposite is true — that some adult children of divorce develop "a type" in relationships that reflects the instability of a separated home, similar to their childhood — psychotherapist Katherine Cullen argues that the majority seek to fill the void of emotional and financial stability they lacked as a kid.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.