10 Phrases That Put People Who Talk Down To You In Their Place
It’s time that you advocate for yourself.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock.com Even if you’re confident and self-assured, condescending people tend to push you out of your comfort zone and sacrifice your sense of personal autonomy. They make us feel innately “less than,” even with a few seemingly simple tactics and behaviors. From interrupting you while you speak to overgeneralizing your habits and making comments like, “Take it easy,” they try to make you smaller, quieter, and less yourself.
People who resort to condescending language and behavior struggle with their internal insecurities and feel the need to put others down to enforce their own external validation and superiority. Even though it might be uncomfortable, the only way to set boundaries is to advocate for yourself, even with a few phrases that put people who talk down to you in their place.
Here are 10 phrases that put people who talk down to you in their place:
1. ‘I’m ready to start over, if you’re ready to communicate like an adult’
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According to psychologist Beth Birenbaum, the opposite of condescension is respect, which is why the underlying tone of all of these phrases is a level playing field. You don’t talk down to them in response to their condescending comments but remind them of your worth and self-respect as a means of introspection.
Condescending behavior isn’t always direct communication, but this phrase can be equally helpful when someone uses a harsh or demeaning tone, rolls their eyes, or ignores you while you’re speaking. Simply put, you have to demand their attention or refuse to engage with it.
2. ‘I’m noticing that you’re feeling upset right now, is everything okay?’
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Chances are low that a condescending person genuinely has a problem with you or doesn’t like you, especially if you’ve previously had a healthy relationship. According to executive coach and Harvard Business Review contributor Liz Kislik, they’re probably not even thinking about you but rather about themselves.
Inner turmoil and insecurity tend to fuel condescension. As they battle the chaos in their minds and a constant need for assurance from others, they use other people to comfort themselves—in ways that are equally controversial and hurtful.
Instead of taking it personally, acknowledge their hurt and obvious discomfort with a simple phrase like this — it will either shift them to defensive mode or keep them silent.
3. ‘I don’t allow people to speak to me like this’
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You don’t have to use phrases that put condescending people down to put them in their place; you can stand up for yourself and remind them that you deserve respect.
Experts like Catherine A. Sanderson, the Chair of Psychology at Amherst College, call people who demand respect and call out behavior “moral rebels.” In her book Why We Act: Turning Bystanders Into Moral Rebels,” she argues that they’re willing to advocate for themselves and ensure people take accountability for their actions, even at the risk of being criticized.
It is one of the phrases that puts people who talk you down in their place and sets the record straight with condescending people. Remind them that you’re entirely in control of how you respond (or choose not to respond) to people who don’t respect you.
4. ‘I see it another way’
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If you’re struggling to call out condescension directly or are in a setting where it feels uncomfortable to debate, consider using a phrase like this to put people who talk down to you in their place without causing a scene.
As American psychologist Mark Travers suggests, channel the art of “constructive disagreement” to manifest productive outcomes to condensing behavior and mistrust. Considering the many studies that argue “disagreements” are mistakenly interpreted as “miscommunications,” you can set the record straight.
Remind them that you heard them, disagree with them, and refuse to give power to the condescending phrases that put you down.
5. ‘Let’s rephrase what you said, because I don’t believe you intended to be condescending’
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Many condescending people are “stuck in their heads,” battling big emotions like shame, insecurity, and anxiety. Calling out their behavior and giving them another chance to rephrase can be reasonably practical. They may apologize and correct themselves if they genuinely default to condescension as self-preservation.
If they choose not to, that’s where you take your power back — you can either use another phrase, relaying your disappointment or reasserting a need for respect, or you can choose to walk away — don’t entertain anything that’s also draining your energy or dulling your command.
6. ‘Don’t be condescending towards me’
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If you’re calling people out directly and aren’t worried about the defensive mechanisms of insecure people and partners, you can use this phrase. Not only is it one of the most effective phrases that put people who talk down to you in their place, it reasserts your emotional intelligence, command for respect, and self-assured nature.
As they continue to seek external validation, criticize others, and live on the defense, as psychologist Nick Wignail argues is typical of generally insecure people, you have the power to remind them that you’re entirely self-assured and not afraid to set a boundary and protect yourself.
7. ‘I won’t listen to this if you continue to disrespect me’
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Disrespect can be defined in a million different ways, but at the core, it’s dehumanizing and degrading. Coupled with condescension, most frequently targeted at marginalized and sometimes vulnerable demographics like POC people and women, it can be impossible to genuinely address (or, in better words, solve).
Like any other kind of disrespect, you’re not obligated to explain your worth, especially to someone who doesn’t even respect themselves. You’re a whole being, self-assured on your terms, and you don’t need their agreement to solidify that.
Set a healthy boundary with their interactions—remind them that you’re not shy about calling out their hurtful comments, taking space when and if you need to, and being up front about advocating for yourself.
8. ‘Do you talk to everyone like this?’
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According to psychologist Suzanne Feinstein, there’s an intricate connection between shame, guilt, and fear — three emotions intrinsically tied to disrespect. When we feel targeted and put down, otherwise defined as disrespected, the perpetrator is trying to share the anxieties they feel with others.
Intended to lighten their own mental turmoil and emotional burdens, you can deflect this negative energy with a phrase like this: remind them that their words are hurtful.
9. ‘How would you feel if I said that to you?’
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Addressing condescending behavior, bullying, and disrespect doesn’t have to be uncomfortable for either party. If you clocked a hurtful phrase or noticed concerning or condescending body language in a close friend or partner, you might opt for “calling them in” rather than “calling them out.”
Essentially, instead of harnessing the power of attention through a public dismissal or debate, “calling in” is an invitation to reflect and discuss — How would you feel if I said that to you? Would you say those words to someone you care about? Can you recognize my hurt and understand why that’s disrespectful?
If you feel safe with this person, want to maintain a healthy relationship, and feel comfortable enough to discuss and share your vulnerability with them — that can just as effectively put them in their place for future conversations and interactions.
10. ‘So, what I’m hearing is X. Did I hear that right?’
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This phrase, on the other hand, could be used to call someone “out and in,” as it’s intended to clarify someone’s statement, but it can just as simply be a means of demanding public respect. While it might be controversial, ensuring that everyone else in a room heard this person’s disrespect can swiftly put them in their place.
You can quickly shut down hurtful and degrading comments by simply redirecting the shame they’d intended to burden you with.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.