9 Subtle Signs A Couple Is Going Through An Invisible Divorce, Even If They Don’t Realize It
Sometimes a marriage simply disappears in front of your eyes without anyone seeing it happen.
Shutterstock / Cookie Studio Getting divorced is usually the last decision that a couple makes together. Before that happens, there are often subtle signs a couple is going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it.
Marriages often end long before the actual moment when one asks the other for a divorce. An invisible divorce, also known as a silent divorce, occurs when a married couple stays together despite a widening emotional distance between them. From the outside, they might appear to be in a happy and functional partnership, but in reality, they’re living separate lives under the same roof.
Every couple's decision to stay together or split up is intensely personal. All relationships go through low points, yet when those low points last for extended periods of time, it can be an indication an invisible divorce is already underway.
Here are 9 subtle signs a couple is going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it:
1. They’re emotionally disconnected
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One subtle sign that a couple is going through an emotional divorce even if they don’t realize it is that they’ve become emotionally disconnected from each other. It’s not always obvious when a couple is growing apart from each other. The stressors of daily life can keep people so busy that they don’t notice their connection is stretched dangerously thin.
There will always be external demands that take people’s attention away from one another, especially when they’re raising children together. Yet when a couple no longer makes the effort to reconnect after the dishes are done and kids are in bed, it can be a sign they’re going through an invisible divorce.
They might watch TV or scroll through social media while they sit side by side on the couch, but they’ve stopped asking the essential questions that keep couples close. These questions can be as simple as “How was your day”” or “What are you thinking about?” Yet the questions show that one person is curious about the other person’s inner emotional world, and they still want to know them on a deeper level.
According to Dr. Ridha Rouabhia, a lack of communication often has major negative impacts on the perceived quality of a relationship, which creates a sense of emotional distance that leads to invisible divorce. He references a 2016 study of marital intimacy, in which researchers found that improved communication played “a vital role in emotional intimacy,” noting that effective communication in a partnership involves self-disclosure and empathic responsiveness. Without those elements, conversations stay on the surface level, which contributes to the erosion of a couple’s emotional connection.
2. They stop planning for the future
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Another sign a couple is going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it, is that they’ve stopped making plans for their future. They live day-to-day, week-to-week, but they no longer imagine what their later years might hold.
They function as a unit well enough to decide who will do school pick-up and where they’ll spend holidays, but they don’t make plans for their dream vacation or discuss their long-term life goals.
A 2016 study of 7108 people who were married or living together found that "the less people plan jointly with their relationship partner, the more likely they are to experience divorce over time."
So if a couple has stopped planning future activities together entirely or for the most part, an invisible divorce is likely in progress.
3. There’s an absence of intimacy
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A strong emotional connection is the hallmark of a good marriage, but physical affection and intimacy are also incredibly important. If a couple no longer shares physically intimate moments, it may be a subtle sign they're going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it.
While it’s totally normal for desire to ebb and flow over the course of a long-term relationship, the complete disappearance of physical affection is often an indication that something else is going on beneath the surface. Showing affection is an expression of love and care. From holding hands to hugging, there are various ways couples can share tender moments that boost their sense of connection to each other.
The results of two joint studies of 7880 participants from 37 countries found that stronger feelings of love were "universally associated with affectionate touch behaviors."
You may not feel comfortable going from zero to a hundred in terms of physical affection if its been lacking, but couples who are struggling can try incorporating small gestures of intimacy into their routine to reestablish the connection they’ve been missing.
4. They prioritize their individual lives over their relationship
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Maintaining a sense of independence when part of a couple is crucial to each individual’s overall well-being, as well as to the strength and health of the relationship, itself. Couples who don’t separate from one another at least occasionally run the risk of being in a codependent relationship. But when people in a partnership stop thinking of themselves as a unit, it’s a subtle sign they’re going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it.
If both halves of a couple start to prioritize their own lives over the relationship as a whole, it highlights how distant they are. They spend more time alone or with friends than with each other, and they show little to no interest in what the other person is doing. They neglect taking part in shared activities, and they focus on their individual goals without considering how their choices impact their partner.
During an invisible divorce, it’s common for people to pour all their energy into their jobs or the act of raising their kids. They keep themselves busy as a distraction technique, so that they don’t have to confront the fact that their relationship isn’t what it used to be.
5. They feel lonely
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Feeling lonely is a subtle sign that a couple is going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it. While we often think of loneliness as something that only happens to lone wolf types or people with just a few friends, the truth is that feeling lonely is a universal human experience. It doesn’t actually matter how many people you’re surrounded by, you can still be lonely.
Psychologist Guy Winch described loneliness as “an invisible trap.’ He noted that when we’re lonely, “We feel like nobody cares so we're extremely hesitant to reach out to those who could make us feel connected.”
This can prove especially true if the person you feel isolated from is your partner. It might seem like the emotional detachment you’re experiencing is too wide to bridge, yet all it takes to close the gap, even a little, is to voice your emotions. Being vulnerable can be scary, even with someone you’re married to, but it’s the key to feeling less lonely.
6. They only talk about logistics
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If a couple has conversations that only center on logistics and nothing deeper, it’s a subtle sign that they’re going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it. They might talk all day and text when they’re apart, but all they discuss is the practical parts of keeping their lives moving forward and not how they actually feel. All of their interactions focus on other people or outside events, like their kids or their work schedules.
While putting their energy into other parts of their lives might give them reassurance that their relationship is staying afloat, the experience of major life transitions can push them from invisible divorce into actual divorce.
Research shows that the more couples participate in new and exciting activities together, the happier they are. When they stop doing this altogether and focus only on basic daily logistics, they may head into an invisible divorce.
7. They have unspoken resentment
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An underlying and longstanding sense of resentment can also be a subtle sign that a couple is going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it. Licensed counselor Lisa Rabinowitz says common conflicts that can cause partners to resent each other include an imbalance of household labor, a lack of forgiveness, and built-up anger or hurt feelings.
“Resentment develops when couples ignore their feelings,” Rabinowitz explains. “When couples fail to solve their conflicts, a sense of resentment begins to emerge. Resentment increases when someone feels their feelings are discounted, not heard, manipulated, shamed, or judged.”
It’s fairly easy to fall into a pattern of resentment, and difficult to break out of it. Yet as Rabinowitz shares, the first step of moving past resentment is expressing how you feel. Without emotional vulnerability, it’s highly likely that a couple won’t be able to work through their resentment, which solidifies their invisible divorce.
8. They’re indifferent to each other
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It could be said that the opposite of resentment in a relationship is indifference. If a couple has stopped caring about each other, it’s a subtle sign that they’re going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it. Instead of feeling hurt or angry by their partner’s behavior, they feel apathetic, like what they do doesn’t matter anymore.
Psychotherapist Bill Maier explains that indifference can occur within long-term relationships when people are confronted with a fear of intimacy that keeps them from feeling like they can be open with each other. While shame and indifference are common emotional responses to a lack of intimacy, there’s an accessible antidote to those feelings that can bring back a sense of caring and connection: mindfulness.
“Mindfulness is sensing your innermost self,” Maier says. “This sense of another person knowing your feelings can only happen in the present moment. You have to know them and know they know you.”
If one partner feels indifferent toward the other, it can be hard to reach out and take the risk of being open, which is how indifference takes root in a relationship. For this reason, the less a couple cares about each other’s actions, opinions, or overall well-being, the more likely it is that they’ll go through an invisible divorce.
9. They compare what they have to other relationships
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If a couple starts comparing their relationship to what other people have, it’s a subtle sign they’re going through an invisible divorce, even if they don’t realize it. As the age-old adage says, comparison is the thief of joy. This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships. It’s impossible for people on the outside to know how anyone else’s relationship works, yet it can be easy for people going through an invisible divorce to imagine that other people have it better than they do.
It can be hard to climb out of the comparison trap, yet doing so is essential to staying present in the relationship you have. It’s important to remember that just because you see Instagram reels of couples who seem happier than you, doesn’t mean you know how they really feel. Photos of beach vacations and brunches can hide a fair amount of hurt, which is why each individual in a couple can be the only true judge of how they feel.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.