9 Phrases People Say When They Have A Victim Mentality And Act Like Nothing Is Their Fault
You can never grow as an individual if you're always blaming others.
13K films | Shutterstock How people see themselves and their place in the world has a major impact on their ability to reach their full potential. Someone with a strong sense of agency believes they're in control of their own life. Someone who has a victim mentality and acts like nothing is their fault tends to feel helpless, as though they don't have the power to change.
A person with a victim mentality believes that their life is determined by external circumstances that they have no control over. Victim mentalities often arise from experiencing unresolved trauma, which can hold people back from forming healthy relationships and moving through the process of healing. Yet it's also possible for people to see themselves as a victim, even when trauma isn't a root cause.
Here are 9 phrases people say when they have a victim mentality and act like nothing is their fault
1. 'Why do bad things always happen to me?'
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People who see themselves as a victim believe that their challenges are insurmountable. They tend to have a narrow perspective on how the world works. They hold onto the belief that negative experiences just happen to them, rather than reflecting on the ways their patterns of behavior impact their lives.
According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, people with a victim mentality define themselves as a perpetual victim. They integrate victimhood into their identities to such a deep extent that they're unable to move past it. This mindset can damage someone's personal and professional relationships and keeps them stuck in the idea that they have no agency.
In contrast, feeling empowered allows people to believe that they can change the path they're following. Empowered individuals acknowledge that they're in control of their choices, and that while bad things might happen, those bad things aren't the full sum of who they are.
2. 'Other people have it so much easier than me'
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Facing hardship is a universal part of the human experience, but people with a victim mentality believe their challenges are worse than everyone else's. When people have a victim mentality and act like nothing is their fault, they say the phrase, "Other people have it so much easier than me."
They measure their lives against what other people have, only to find that they fall short. People with a victim mentality get trapped playing the comparison game, and they always lose. When they say things like, "Everyone else's life is so much better," they genuinely believe that statement to be true.
There are many damaging aspects of comparing yourself to others, one of which being the mental toll it takes on a person. According to research published in Current Psychology, on social media in particular, "social comparison orientation negatively [affects] psychological well-being" and can evoke "a sense of depression, deprivation, and distress, as well as aggravating one's mental health."
But another effect that stands out is the loss of perspective that comparison brings. It's easy to scroll through social media and see what everyone else has that you don't, but vacation photos or expensive dinners are just a small part of a person's story. The antidote to thinking everyone else's life is better than yours is to practice gratitude for what you have, and locate your own sources of joy.
3. 'I just can't win'
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A person with a victim mentality sees life through a narrow lens of winning and losing. Instead of accepting that they can't always reach their goal or get exactly what they want, they let themselves stay stuck at their lowest point. They usually don't have a strong sense of resilience, which means they struggle to pick themselves back up after something bad happens.
Transformational coach Jean Walters explained just how destructive having a persistent victim mentality can be. Someone who thinks they're the victim of every negative outcome sets themselves up to be unhappy, because they don't believe they have the power to change. Walters revealed that the first step to breaking free from victimhood is flipping the script you've written for yourself.
"Design a new story with positive feelings and affirming thoughts," she advised. "Be grateful you noticed the negative chatter, challenged it, and are creating and experiencing a new outcome." Walters concluded, "You must choose a new, uplifting narrative for your life, because if you don't, your brain will simply go back to its old process: victimizing yourself."
4. 'Everyone is against me'
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The mindset that you're at the bottom and everyone else is at the top, holding you down, becomes a negative feedback loop that's almost impossible to escape. Trauma therapist Nancy Carbone noted that in order to stop feeling like a victim, people have to accept responsibility for their own lives.
"If you blame life, others, or situations for things that go wrong, rather than looking at how you run away to escape the feeling of not being good enough, you'll stay stuck in this cycle," she explained. "If you do not recognize the signs of having a victim mentality, you may not realize that you are the one who subjects yourself to feeling as though you do not deserve the good things in life."
Carbone acknowledged that changing negative thought patterns is difficult work, but by reaching out to mental health professionals, practicing mindfulness, and asking close friends and family members to help you stay accountable to yourself, it can be possible to break free from your victim mentality.
5. 'No one understands me'
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A person who sees themselves as a victim usually believes they're the only one in the world going through hard times. They're unable to step outside of their own experience enough to recognize that people would understand, if only they would open up and let others in.
Even if people have a different life experience, they can still employ compassion and be empathic enough to see the world from someone else's point of view. People who see themselves as victims aren't accustomed to being vulnerable, because they think that everyone's against them. For this reason, they think no one knows what they're going through, when really, if they tried to share how they feel, they'd find understanding.
6. 'I'm always the one who gets hurt'
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Everyone is allowed to experience their emotions, yet playing the victim means that people side-step any aspect of accountability. Saying this phrase is common among parents who aren't close with their adult children, but aren't able to see how their actions and attitudes contributed to the fall-out.
People with insecure attachment styles also say this phrase, because they fail to notice that they repeatedly enter relationships without doing the difficult emotional labor involved in changing how they relate to people. No one really wants to be hurt, yet people who have a victim mentality often make being hurt a major aspect of who they are.
7. 'There's no point in trying'
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According to research from Frontiers in Psychology, a "sense of agency refers to the feeling of control over actions and their consequences." People who have a victim mentality and act like nothing is their fault lack a sense of agency, which would empower them to see that they get to decide the direction their life takes.
With that being said, those with a victim mindset deprive themselves of the opportunity to grow. Instead of having a growth mindset, where they look at their mistakes and negative experiences as a chance to learn and expand their sense of self, they have a fixed mindset, which holds them hostage to the idea that change is out of their reach.
8. 'This is all your fault'
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While conflict requires two people to be engaged in the push-and-pull dynamic, people with a victim mentality refuse to hold themselves accountable for anything. They make their problems into everyone else's problems, casting blame like a wide net.
Relationship coach Jordan Gray explained, "When we blame other people for aspects of our lives, we shrug off the tough work of taking responsibility for ourselves... At a certain point in your journey, after feeling your feelings and taking a higher degree of responsibility for yourself, it is a necessary step to look into and dissect what stories you carry about yourself and the world around you."
When people accept that they have agency, they're able to make their lives their own, and stop blaming the people around them for issues that aren't actually their fault.
9. 'Nothing will ever change'
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When people have a victim mentality and act like nothing is their fault, they tend to see their place in the world as an immovable thing. They say the phrase, "Nothing will ever change" because they don't have faith in themselves as agents of change.
They will continue down the same path of looking outward and finding fault in everything but themselves. Until they take a step outside of themselves, they won't be able to change, and the phrase "Nothing changes" becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.