9 Signs You're Not The Problem In Your Family, Even If Everyone Acts Like You Are
Don't blame yourself for your family's actions.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Family dynamics can be hard to navigate, even for people who come from emotionally stable and healthy backgrounds. When families function in unhealthy ways, maintaining boundaries and building an independent life can be extra challenging. It can be hard to accept the signs that you're not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you are.
People who try to separate themselves from their difficult family situations often get treated poorly for doing so. They're made to feel as though they're wrong for wanting to establish some distance, when really, they're putting their emotional needs first and taking care of themselves as best they know how.
Here are 9 signs you're not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you are
1. You're told that you're 'too sensitive'
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Being told you're overly sensitive is one of the signs you're not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you are. There are different types of toxic families that can deeply impact how you see yourself. Being part of a family where you're singled out and criticized as being "too sensitive" can make you doubt your own reality. This kind of family dynamic is essentially a form of gaslighting, where you're treated poorly, but told it's love.
Therapist Patrick Teahan called this type of family an "anti-love family," explaining that because parents don't offer warmth and love to their children, being vulnerable is often viewed as a weakness. Your family likely tells you that you're overreacting, even though your reaction is a normal response to being teased.
2. You make your mental health a priority
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As soul coach Carolyn Hidalgo explained, a crucial step to untangling unhealthy family dynamics is to focus on your own personal growth and inner peace, which requires you to put yourself first.
According to statistics from the National Alliance on Mental Health, 1 in 6 youths between the ages of 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year, and 50% of all mental illness begins by age 14. So, if you came from a family where taking care of your mental health was stigmatized, you might not have learned the skills you need to regulate your emotions or handle stress in healthy ways.
Learning that you are deserving of care and support is essential to the process of healing past trauma and tending to your own well-being. It isn't easy to change the deeply-ingrained patterns your family imposed on you. If you're working on being self-reflective, practicing mindfulness, and listening to how you feel, you're giving yourself the necessary tools to foster your emotional resilience, even if your family neglects theirs.
3. You have more confidence when you're not with your family
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It isn't easy to develop a strong sense of self-worth when your family blames you for everything or makes you feel like everything you do is wrong.
Pay attention to how you feel about yourself in the company of your family: Do you feel inferior? Is it safe for you to share your beliefs? If your family focuses on dragging you down instead of celebrating you or offering unwavering support, it's a sign you're not the problem in your family.
If your parents played favorites and held you up to impossibly high standards, it's possible that you were never taught to believe in yourself. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology determined that kids who are subject to parental favoritism are more likely to use substances in their teenage years. Additionally, being the "non-favorite" child can diminish self-esteem and worth.
Being away from your family can provide you with the space you need to cultivate your confidence. You might notice that your self-esteem blooms when you're on your own, but wilts the moment you're around your family.
4. The boundaries you set aren't respected
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Your family consistently oversteps the boundaries you've established. And setting boundaries isn't a simple process, especially when your family refuses to respect your limits. They might see how far they can push you, which indicates that they don't have boundaries of their own.
As psychologist Nick Wignall noted, "Trying to improve unhealthy boundaries can be exhausting and emotionally taxing... Stress and difficult emotions often pull us to give up on our boundaries."
Wignall advised that people dig into their reasons for setting boundaries, so that they can be ready to enforce consequences when people cross them. "Better boundaries are key to healthier relationships," he revealed. "They're also essential for your emotional health and well-being."
5. You're not given an opportunity to change
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A sign that you're not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you are, is that you're expected to stay the same, and any personal growth you've achieved is ignored. It isn't easy for parents to accept that their children have their own lives, yet doing so is a major part of staying close as their kids grow up.
If your parents refuse to accept that you can make your own decisions, it shows that they still see you as a child. They're unwilling to give you space to change and grow into an independent person because doing so threatens the long-established patterns of the family system you've been part of.
According to life coach Kathy Ramsperger, "Parents who want to hover and control their children's lives will tend to want to control their adult children's lives, too... They have the expectation that their child should do what they would do or what they'd advise, especially in terms of relationships and parenting decisions… Parents who judge their kids' every move are setting them up on the road to indecision and doubt, anger, and resentment."
While a healthy family acknowledges and respects that people change, an unhealthy family doesn't recognize that everyone is an individual, and is allowed to have their own life.
6. Your family avoids having hard conversations
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Upholding the practice of talking directly and openly about issues that arise is essential to having healthy relationships. If your family avoids discussing difficult topics, even when you try to bring them up in a calm way, it's a sign that you're not the problem in your family.
Some families think that pushing problems out of sight means that everything is okay, but really, not addressing each other honestly just makes those problems burrow deeper and explode later on. If you try to initiate hard conversations, only to find that your family members refuse to listen and open up about what's bothering them, the rest of your family is the issue, not you.
In order to "untangle" these toxic family dynamics, Hidalgo suggests a few methods of action. Along with trying to initiate those tough conversations, she recommends using "I" statements, actively listening, seeking an understanding of different perspectives, staying calm, and meeting people where they are.
7. Your family members don't apologize
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You might attempt to take accountability for past mistakes, only to have those efforts ignored, because your family members are so conflict-avoidant that the act of apologizing just doesn't happen. If your family overlooks your apologies, and they refuse to say sorry when they've caused harm, you're not the problem, even if your family acts like you are.
Offering an apology is a vulnerable act, one that requires a high level of emotional intelligence. If your family doesn't prioritize self-reflection, it's virtually impossible for them to take responsibility for hurting others. They might say that they're sorry you're upset, but that phrase is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding a truly impactful apology.
If your family is made up of people who lack basic empathy and compassion, then they will make you feel like you're the problem, even when you're not.
8. Your emotions are invalidated
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You might raise concerns or share how you feel, only to have your family members tell you that your emotions don't matter. By invalidating your feelings, they not only undermine your sense of self-worth, they also make you question whether you're allowed to feel the way you do.
According to research from the journal Personality and Individual Differences, children who are told that invalidation and emotional neglect are normal in their youth are more likely to become adults who view emotional intimacy as a threat; there's also an increased risk of pathological narcissism as adults.
Everyone is entitled to express their emotions, even if other people are unwilling or unable to hold space for them. If everyone acts like you shouldn't be vulnerable and feel the full range of your emotions, it's a sign that you're not the problem in your family. You might be ready to tackle emotions in a healthy way, but your family isn't, which makes them the issue.
9. You play the role of peace-keeper
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If you're constantly assigned the role of keeping the peace amidst family conflicts, it's a sign you're not the problem in your family, even if everyone acts like you are. You might try to de-escalate tension or mediate arguments in a calm and rational way, but your family chooses to revel in the drama and pit one person against another.
As Dr. Cortney Warren explained, "Often in toxic family systems, there is a displacement of responsibility for the well-being of each member." She revealed that being forced into the role of peace-keeper can deeply affect how someone relates to people outside their family, noting, "If you were always a peacemaker in a dysfunctional family system, you may struggle with conflict in your current adult relationship."
If your family perpetuates conflict by triangulating people against each other, it's a sign that you're not the problem, even if they blame you for not finding a solution.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.