6 Small Things Every Husband Secretly Hopes His Wife Will Do For Him, According To Psychology
Some things are difficult to ask for out loud.
Dean Drobot | Canva Your husband wants you to do things for him, and he probably finds it next to impossible to ask you to do them. There are as many reasons as there are married men why he finds it difficult to ask and why you can't figure out what he wants.
Luckily, six relationship experts have a good idea of what is going on in his mind, and they have some forthright advice to help you know what your husband desires.
Here are 6 small things every husband secretly hopes his wife will do for him:
1. Make him feel emotionally secure
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I think most men hope their wives will help them feel emotionally secure in a relationship, as explained by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The problem is a lot of men were not raised with the vocabulary to express their emotions healthily.
Professor Leslie R. Brody's work helps explain why a lot of men have learned over the years to mask their emotions — either by avoiding "feeling" and escaping through work, substances, physical intimacy, etc., or by expressing all their emotions as anger and rage. He wants so desperately to "feel loved," but in trying to find that feeling, he can end up chasing her away.
— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
2. Surprise him with seduction
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Every husband secretly hopes his wife will surprise him with a level of seduction that feels like she’s on a covert mission — like she’s undercover CIA, and he’s holding the secrets to save the world. A study by researcher René T. Proyer found it’s the playful, thrilling excitement that keeps the spark alive. Playful intimacy reminds him how, even in everyday life, he’s still the one worth chasing.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner
3. Be his safety net
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Something about that quote truly floored me when I thought about it. I lived a lifestyle known for being rough on people. There’s rampant drug use, issues with police, and the works. Yet, these guys occasionally marry women — despite most people labeling them as "not the marrying type."
The women I’ve seen them marry are not a monolithic block of people. They are sometimes impoverished. Sometimes, they’re addicts. Other times, they’re fairly stable and just outsiders to the scenes we’re in.
The one thing they all had in common was that, for one reason or another, the guys who married them saw them as a source of calm. Let me explain:
- Andy married Rachel because she represented a form of normalcy that he never had growing up.
- Deebo proposed to Sarah because she seemed to be the only one to talk sense into him.
- Link married Francine because he felt confident she wouldn’t cheat.
- Max married Mindi because she has a deep love for animals, Disney, and cooking.
- Brad married Carla because she reminded him of his hometown.
- Carlos married Jacqui because she was simply content with the most mundane of lifestyles.
- Leo proposed to Ani because she let him be the stay-at-home dad he always wanted to be.
In a world that is increasingly hostile toward everyone, it makes sense men would want someone who makes them feel safe, too.
— Ossiana Tepfenhart, Author
4. Tell him to 'go have fun'
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Be honest. How many times have you told your husband it's OK for him to go out and do something outside of the household but secretly been resentful that they were doing so?
When my kids, who were born 20 months apart, were very young, my husband decided to set a goal of running the New York Marathon. An admirable goal and one that required a lot of effort. And a lot of training.
As a result, not only did he work long hours, but he also spent a lot of time running. Specifically, not at home with me and the kids but running. And I was not happy.
While I did tell him how I felt, I didn’t tell him the extent of it. I didn’t want to be unsupportive, so I quietly simmered with resentment. As a result, our marriage suffered in a big way.
I wish that I had been able to embrace the things that he wanted to do instead of feeling resentment for them. I wish that I had been able to honestly say, "Go have fun," and be happy that he was doing whatever he was doing.
So, if you find you don’t support your husband’s activities outside of the family, dig deep and find a way to let him do things without resentment. The Gottman Institute reminds us how everyone needs to do things for themselves sometimes, and it has nothing to do with you.
— Mitzi Bockmann, Life Coach
5. Give him support but not override his autonomy
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For example, you offer to make your partner tea when they are tired or simply do something nice for them, as supported by a study in the Current Psychology Journal.
Another time, they offer to make you tea, and you accept and don't resist their offer by saying that you'll do it (because you feel you can do it better/quicker, perhaps or simply out of that mothering habit).
In a good marriage, there is space for kindness and space for support. Learning to step back from our desire to 'do it all' is a step toward healthy self-esteem.
— Monika Carless, Life Coach
6. Explain your needs in detail
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Many women believe they shouldn't have to tell their husbands what they want or need. In their opinion, for example, letting a man know you want him to make romantic gestures like bringing you flowers for no specific reason once in a while detracts from the specialness of him doing so.
This simply isn't true, and it isn't helpful for either of you.
Men aren't always great at expressing their feelings, even when their feelings for you are quite strong. It’s entirely possible he's under the impression you are fully aware of how deeply he feels for you, regardless of the actions he does or doesn't take or the words he does or doesn't say.
See this as an opportunity to teach him that making time for you and opening up about his feelings are things you need. And don’t be afraid to tell him what you’d like to see more of.
When you tell him what you need, you make it much easier for him to perform those actions, say those words, and show you how important to him you are. So be as specific as possible.
If you want him to cook or pick up dinner a couple of nights a week to give you a break, let him know. If you like flowers or cards or being taken out to the movies, tell him. Don’t leave him guessing based on vague, or even passive-aggressive, comments or suggestions.
If you’re trying to connect with him and not getting what you need, rather than make a blanket statement like, “I don’t like how you’re treating me right now,” try narrowing it down specifically to something actionable like, “Honey, I want to spend more time with you, and I feel like you’re pushing me away.”
This tells him what the specific problem is and how he can fix it. The more direction you give him, the easier it will be for him to give you what you need in return.
— Terry Real, family therapist
The not-so-surprising revelation here is what a husband wants and what a wife wants are nearly the same. It makes you believe there are shared needs across the spousal spectrum, almost as though there are basic human emotional needs we all have in common.
Our wants and needs are pretty much the same: a desire for human connection and to know we don't have to face life alone.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.