7 Relationship Lessons Gen X Followed That Gen Z Should Avoid At All Costs
Reality doesn't have to bite quite that hard.
Shutterstock / stockfour There are lots of great things to learn from Generation X, but there are also plenty of relationship lessons Gen X followed based on what they experienced growing up and being raised by Boomer parents that Gen Z should definitely avoid at all costs.
People who belong to Gen X were born between 1965 and 1980, putting them between the ages 44 and 59 and therefore solidly in their full-grown-adult era. Typically having been raised with little supervision, Gen Xers are defined by their fierce sense of independence and “do-it-yourself” mentality, which crossed over from making ‘zines and going grunge to the way they handle their relationships.
As the children (mainly) of Gen Xers, Gen Z has had a first-hand look into how Gen Xers approach life and love, and based on what they've seen, there are quite a few things they want to do differently.
Here are 7 relationship lessons Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs:
1. Having a ‘tough love’ mentality
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Many Gen Xers were raised as latch-key kids who came home from school to an empty house. This was due to a combination of factors, including increasing divorce rates and a higher likelihood of having two parents working outside the home. A major part of the Gen X childhood experience included fending for themselves. They made their own snacks, used the TV as a babysitter, and roamed around the neighborhood without supervision.
Gen Xers were brought up by Boomer parents, who often believed in the practice of “tough love,” based around the idea that being strict helped kids out in the long run.
That tough love may have taught Gen Xers self-reliance and resilience, but it also taught them that expressing their emotions had negative consequences, as they tended to be strictly disciplined for emotional outbursts instead of being shown how to emotionally regulate themselves. This mentality resulted in them being emotionally detached and distant later in life.
Since tough love led to Gen Xers being cut off from their own feelings, it’s one relationship lesson that Gen Z should avoid at all costs. After all, communicating with compassion and empathy is a significantly more effective way to create deep connections.
2. Staying together for the sake of their kids
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Another relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs is the practice of staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. Gen Xers were first-hand witnesses to the heightened divorce rates of the 1970s and 1980s, which impacted their outlook on what a relationship should look like. As a result, many prioritized marriage to a damaging degree. The idea of splitting up a family seemed so detrimental to Gen Xers that many avoided doing so at all costs, which often meant parents stayed in toxic relationships.
While their intentions were honorable, avoiding divorce isn’t always the right answer. By staying in terrible relationships, Gen X modeled the idea that self-worth and personal happiness were less important than staying together. Because of Gen X’s propensity to remain in unhappy marriages, many Gen Zers were raised in homes where relational tension was normalized and seeing their parents fight was to be expected.
3. Avoiding couples therapy
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As the children of Boomer parents who didn’t heal their own relational trauma, Gen X was raised to think that going to therapy meant something was wrong with them. The stigma against receiving mental health services has lessened over the years, yet it still very much exists. Many Gen Xers have put in the work to break the deeply-ingrained pattern of avoiding caring for their mental health. Yet overall, their generation didn’t always prioritize mental health, especially in terms of their relationships.
Going to couples’ therapy wasn’t seen in a positive light, so Gen Xers tended to avoid it. In contrast, Gen Z has focused on mental health in a major way. The world that Gen Z inherited is notably challenging. At such a young age, they’ve lived through the chaos of a world-altering pandemic and all its negative ripple effects. It’s been reported that Gen Zers aren’t thriving in the ways past generations did. In fact, 47% of Gen Z struggles with mental health issues, which is high in comparison to the Millennials before them.
By making mental health a main focal point of their lives, Gen Z is often criticized by older people for being “too soft” or “overly-sensitive.” Yet there’s absolutely nothing wrong with softness, especially in relationships. Gen Z is tackling the idea that something has to be wrong to be in couple’s therapy. They use it as a tool to maintain their relationship fitness. Gen Z is paving their own way, and they’re doing so with the support and transformation going to therapy provides.
4. Putting work before their relationships
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Gen Xers are framed as a generation who fully understands the need to have work/life balance, yet even so, many have had no choice but to fall into the trap of prioritizing their jobs over their relationships. There’s no denying that Gen Xers are devoted employees. They have to work harder than Boomers before them, as Gen Xers have significantly less money saved for retirement than what’s recommended.
While Gen Xers climbed the corporate ladder and settled in, Gen Z wants something different. They know the value of hard work, but they also know that no job is worth sacrificing their relationships for. Gen Z gets harshly criticized for supposedly not wanting to work, when really, they’re transforming the way we think about work as a whole.
In the face of economic downturns and high unemployment rates, Gen Zers are struggling to find consistent work that actually pays a living wage. They want jobs that align with their values, and they expect a level of flexibility and support that older generations balk at. Many Gen Zers want to descend the corporate ladder, because they’ve learned that the hustle isn’t worth giving their whole lives to.
Gen Zers don’t base their identities around work. They know that there are more important things than scoring a corner office, like friends, hobbies, and romantic relationships. While Gen X neglected their relationships for jobs that would never love them back, Gen Zers decided to avoid that relationship lesson at all costs.
5. Not being vulnerable
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Gen X grew up being told that being vulnerable made them weak, when really, the opposite is true. Showing vulnerability is a sign of strength, and it’s the only way to make a relationship last. Gen Xers weren’t given the tools they needed to navigate having complex emotions, which means they went through life being fairly disconnected from their own feelings. As a result, their relationships weren’t rooted in vulnerability, which is essential to keeping connections strong.
Gen Xers were taught not to talk about how they feel, so the amount of emotional distance in their relationships grew wider. Avoiding emotional conversations just because they’re hard to have is a relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs.
6. Believing relationships have to be hard
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Relationships take emotional labor and commitment, but they shouldn’t feel like a hardship. Buying into the belief that relationships are supposed to be difficult is a relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs.
While maintaining a healthy partnership requires concerted effort, a couple should ultimately find a sense of ease in their daily rhythm. All relationships go through tough times, but they shouldn’t be hard all the time. When it comes down to it, what makes a relationship work is that the people involved just really like being together.
Passion, love, and mutual respect are necessary ingredients for a successful partnership, which is a lesson that Gen Z has taken to heart. They don’t accept the idea that they have to struggle in order to build a life with someone. Even when the journey gets hard, relationships shouldn’t be a constant stressor.
7. Over-compromising
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Another relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs is over-comprising who they are for other people. Gen X’s main focus in relationships was to keep the peace and avoid getting divorced, which sometimes meant that they crossed their own boundaries and made compromises they didn’t actually want to make.
Among the many ways that Gen Zers approach relationships differently from Gen X, they refuse to settle for less than they deserve. Their practice of deep self-reflection allows them to know exactly what they want. They understand how to show up for their partner in a relationship, and they understand that they can’t lose who they are for the sake of someone else, even if they love them.
Gen Z does the necessary work to maintain a strong sense of identity, especially when it comes to being part of a couple. Compromising out of necessity is a relationship lesson Gen X followed that Gen Z should avoid at all costs.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.