Couples Therapist Explains What To Expect When Your Marriage Is On The Brink Of Disaster
Dr. Stan Tatkin shares a step-by-step account of how couples therapy can save your marriage.
Shutterstock / Dean Drobot The decision to seek couples therapy is often born out of turmoil, especially when the relationship feels like it's hanging by a thread. If you and your partner are on the brink of splitting up and don't feel sure if you can make your marriage work, couples therapy can be a pivotal step toward healing your relationship or making the decision to part ways amicably.
As the developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT) and cofounder of the PACT Institute, I have decades of experience working with the particular challenges of couples at a crossroads. I’ve also trained many hundreds of therapists over the years to help you navigate the difficult questions:
“Can we make our marriage work? And if so, how?”
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Here's what I tell them will help.
Create a New Foundation
First, consider your case as a matter of continuance — “Do we or don’t we go forward, and if so, why? What would be the terms and conditions for continuance?”
You and your partner must recognize that couples therapy during such a critical period is not about rebuilding a structure that’s already crumbling. Instead, it’s about tearing down the old and constructing something new — consciously and deliberately — according to each partner’s separate wishes and based on principles of secure functioning.
These principles include sensitivity, fairness, trust, mutual respect, collaboration, and cooperation — as guaranteed through thoughtful social contracts between partners. As partners, you are the architects of the relationship, the shapers, the creators of what will and should be built on a shared sense of purpose and vision for the future.
Focus on the Future
Finding clarity requires a shift in focus from the past to the present and ultimately to a more hopeful future. Rather than dwelling on what went wrong, focus on what can be created now.
I and other PACT faculty train therapists who are highly skilled and able to help you and your partner(s) envision a better, more fulfilling relationship that meets the needs and wants of both (all) partners based on partner design and agreement.
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Repair Without Relitigating the Past
A significant challenge for many couples on the brink is moving past the accumulated grievances that can overshadow discussions about the future. Couples often carry threat memories — past hurts that provoke anxiety and defensiveness.
A skilled therapist helps you navigate conflict and repair the past without getting bogged down by past grievances. PACT therapists are trained to facilitate discussions that acknowledge past hurts and at the same time emphasize that the only way to move forward is to repair past perceived injuries properly and put measures in place for the future that prevent repetition.
- Remember: There is no statute of limitations when it comes to perceived harm by your partner.
- Therefore: ALWAYS be prepared to repair past injustices, hurts, or misunderstandings forever and without complaint.
Identify Shared Goals
The PACT therapist’s role is to guide you and your partner in identifying your core values and desires. You and your partner must come to a consensus on significant aspects of your relationship for it to remain viable.
To get to the how of making your relationship work, begin by working together to honestly answer questions like these:
- Why are we together?
- What is our purpose as a couple?
- Who or what do we both serve as our highest priority? Ourselves, the relationship, our kids, our careers?
If you have fundamental differences in what you want — for example, one wants children and the other doesn’t or one wants monogamy and the other doesn’t — these are deal breakers.
Aligning on these big ticket items is crucial.
Make Conscious Agreements
Beyond having shared vision and purpose, you and your partner need to establish agreements or shared principles of governance to put these big ideas into practice. These mutually agreed upon principles outline what you do and what you don’t do to protect your relationship — and to protect yourselves from each other.
Examples of agreements include:
- We agree that our relationship comes first before anything else.
- We protect each other in public and in private.
- My partner is the first to know about all matters that might affect them.
Agreements are important because they help us override our automated survival responses so we can sustain a relationship. As part of the PACT approach, your therapist helps you and your partner recognize and understand each other’s triggers and automated emotional responses.
When you have agreements and conflict resolution strategies, you can better care for each other. And, that’s the goal: to understand that you are in each other’s care.
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Move Forward with Shared Purpose
Approaching couples therapy when on the brink of ending a relationship requires a commitment to honesty and vulnerability. Therapy can provide the tools to help couples navigate this critical juncture and move forward with clarity and intention.
Whether you and your partner emerge stronger together or decide to part ways, a skilled therapist will help couples honor each partners’ desires and dreams.
If you’re a clinician wanting to learn how to work more effectively with the particular challenges of couples on the brink, join Stan for an online workshop Friday, October 25, 2024. No previous PACT training required.
- Created in partnership with Stan Tatkin and The PACT Institute.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychological Approach To Couples Therapy (PACT). He specializes in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships.