9 Traits Of Parents Whose Adult Kids Often Go No Contact Once They Grow Up
It takes two to maintain a relationship long-term.
Jasteri | Shutterstock Adult kids who choose to cut off communication and distance themselves from their parents often do so as a last resort because they believe the way their parents show up in their lives causes more harm than good. While the traits of parents whose adult kids go no contact vary on an individual level, certain commonalities exist, which are often rooted in entitlement and emotional disconnection.
According to studies cited by Psychology Today, parental estrangement lasts an average of nine years. On average, adult kids who go no-contact with their mothers tend to be estranged from them for over five years, and those who are estranged from their fathers tend to do so for over seven years. While estrangement isn’t always permanent, it indicates that the established relationship between parents and their children is no longer functional.
Here are 9 traits of parents whose adult kids often go no contact once they grow up:
1. They lack empathy.
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Parents whose adult kids often go no contact usually lack empathy, which means they struggle to recognize other people’s emotions. As certified life and relationship coach Mitzi Bockman explained, someone who lacks empathy is often judgmental of other people’s emotions. They are unwilling or unable to understand their feelings, so they don’t have the necessary bandwidth or perspective to hold how other people feel.
Bockman noted that people who lack empathy often struggle to maintain relationships over the long term. Vulnerability is a core component of having close connections, which people without empathy can’t show. They also have a hard time understanding how their behavior affects others, which is why an unempathic parent might not understand why their adult kid made the decision to go no-contact.
2. They’re controlling.
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Controlling is another trait of parents with whom their adult kids often go no contact once they grow up. It’s highly possible that parents who were present and available when their kids were young became accustomed to making important decisions for them and struggled to recognize their independence once they became adults. They might try to micromanage their adult kids’ lives, creating tension.
Their controlling nature can show up in various ways. They might disapprove of their grown child’s career path or choice of partner. They might even disagree with their adult kids’ parenting style and try to undermine how they raise them. Controlling parents might not think they’re doing anything wrong, but if they’re unwilling to step back and change their behavior, their adult kids will likely cut them off once they grow up.
3. They ignore their kids' boundaries.
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Parents whose adult kids often go no contact once they grow up tend to ignore boundaries. They don’t respect their adult kids’ need for space or their desire to establish an autonomous identity, one that’s separate from how they were raised. Parents without boundaries often overlook or overstep the limits their adult children have set, which inevitably leads to deeply harbored resentment.
According to developmental psychologist Dr. Lucy Blake, about 20% of adults experience estrangement from their father throughout their lifetime, and 9% are estranged from their mother.
As Dr. Blake noted, “Although it can be extremely painful and difficult for people, there are ways in which estrangement ensures people’s safety and well-being.”
Respecting boundaries is essential to healthy relationships. When parents repeatedly refuse to acknowledge their adult kids’ boundaries, they risk being cut off.
4. They’re dismissive of their children's feelings.
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Parents dismissive of their adult kids’ emotional experiences often end up estranged from them. They invalidate their feelings by labeling their children too sensitive or telling them they’re overreacting if they express how they feel. Adult children who feel like their parents don’t hear them or support them might struggle to stay connected, which can often lead to them going no contact.
Kids need to feel validated by their parents, even in adulthood. Parents who are overtly critical or judge their adult kids for sharing their vulnerabilities often don't stay close to them. Suppose parents downplay their kids’ emotions or maintain that a problematic experience wasn’t that bad. In that case, their kids may put emotional or physical distance between them as a form of self-protection.
5. They’re overly dependent on their children.
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Parents who are overly reliant on their adult children for emotional or practical support often trigger a period of estrangement from them. By having an unhealthy dependency on their adult kids to fulfill all their needs, parents create a tense environment that’s unsustainable in the long run.
According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, an enmeshed relationship is "an extreme closeness that constrains autonomy and blurs emotional boundaries between individuals in a relationship.”
When adult children are entangled with their parents, they usually aren't given the space they need in childhood to differentiate from their parents and establish their own identity. Enmeshed families tend to display high emotional reactivity, especially when parents perceive their needs as not being met.
Whether they call multiple times a day or expect a rigid adherence to family traditions, parents who are too dependent on their adult children often push their kids away, even when they don’t consciously mean to do so.
6. They don’t offer encouragement.
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When parents don’t offer their children encouragement or emotional support, their kids often grow up and go no contact with them. To develop a healthy sense of self-efficacy and self-worth, kids need to feel validated by their parents. While parents who are harshly critical of their children actively damage their confidence, parents can also hurt their kids by being distant and disengaged.
Dating coach Erika Johnson pointed out, "One common reason an adult child may become estranged from their parent is the realization that the relationship they desire is unattainable.”
“As children, we often seek our parents' love, respect, and pride,” she explained, noting that in adulthood, “We may find that our efforts are futile, leading to feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness.”
“At first, this separation feels unnatural and harsh, but over time, it allows for personal healing and growth,” Johnson concluded.
7. Parents see themselves as the victim.
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Another trait of parents whose adult kids often go no contact once they grow up is perpetual victimhood. They blame others for their problems, including their children, and refuse to offer apologies when they’ve made a mistake. By positioning themselves as the ones being hurt, they eschew the need to hold themselves accountable for their behavior.
Parents who always play the victim put their adult children in a difficult position, as their kids can rarely bring up issues without their parents guilt-tripping them. Because they don’t acknowledge their role in any family conflicts, their adult children end up feeling like they’re responsible for managing their parents’ emotions, which can often lead to them having an estranged relationship.
8. They’re emotionally inconsistent.
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Emotionally inconsistent parents usually don’t stay close to their adult kids, as their behavior creates an unstable and tense environment. Parents who aren’t able to regulate their own emotions tend to swing back and forth between being affectionate and supportive and distant or downright cruel. Their emotional instability leaves their children in a state of confusion, as they don’t know which version of their parents to expect.
Parental inconsistency can disrupt children’s emotional development, which can have a major impact on them even after reaching adulthood. They might not know how to form relationships with a secure attachment style because they weren’t securely attached to their parents. Adult kids with inconsistent parents might make the difficult decision to go no contact once they grow up as a way to give themselves space to heal.
9. They perpetuate conflict.
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Parents whose adult kids often go no contact once they grow up tend to perpetuate conflict. Their chaotic presence leaves their children feeling stressed or emotionally drained, often leading them to go no contact once they grow up. Creating unnecessary drama puts their adult kids in a difficult situation they don’t want to be a part of.
Parents with a propensity for stirring up conflict might rely on various tactics, like playing favorites between their kids or triangulating siblings against each other to garner support. To protect their peace, their children distance themselves, which often means no contact.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry.