10 Traits Of People Who Seem Nice But Are Actually Narcissistic
Their toxic tendencies may not be so obvious at first.
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock People often don't reveal their true selves right away. They give off a good first impression to reel you in, and once they have you hooked, they show who they really are. People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic use their innate charm in a way that draws others to them, but their underlying tendencies usually peek through over time.
Narcissism is classified as a personality disorder, yet being narcissistic occurs on a spectrum. For that reason, it’s not always easy to know if someone in your life is a narcissist. It's common for people to hide their less positive attributes behind the veneer of appearing nice in order to win other people's attention and devotion.
Here are 10 traits of people who seem nice but are actually narcissistic
1. Selective kindness
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People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic often practice selective kindness, which means they're only nice to those who can offer them something in return or boost their social status. They might be syrupy sweet to their boss or upper management, but treat colleagues who have less power poorly, sometimes even acting like a bully in the workplace.
At first, they'll extend themselves by offering people support, but they're not being generous for generosity's sake; rather, they're doing it to make themselves appear like they're a good person. Their kindness serves to feed the image of themselves as outwardly nice, but it's put-on behavior that's not really about the act of giving itself.
2. Hidden low self-esteem
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People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic appear to have sky-high self-confidence, but deep down, they're full of insecurities. They protect their fragile egos by talking up their accomplishments and they rely on external validation to feel good about themselves.
According to clinical psychologist Leon Seltzer, narcissistic people superficially appear to have high self-regard, yet underneath their exterior is "the self-doubting, recessive part of their being that, though well hidden from sight, is nonetheless afflicted with feelings and fears of inferiority."
Dr. Seltzer noted that narcissists are "highly skilled at exhibiting, or 'posturing,' exceptionally high self-esteem." Yet they give away their well-hidden low self-esteem by subtly begging for compliments and showing off their achievements, which are often blown out of proportion.
3. Obsession with success
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Someone who seems nice but is actually narcissistic might show their true colors when it comes to their drive for success. According to the Family Institute at Northwestern University, narcissists are "preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, [and] brilliance." While reaching for success isn't always an indication of narcissism, the intensity of someone's focus on monetary success or notoriety can signal that someone has narcissistic tendencies.
The Family Institute also noted that narcissists believe that they are "special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions." This mindset ties into their obsession with success, as they position themselves alongside people who can raise their social status, and look down on people who can't offer them anything.
4. Inability to be vulnerable
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People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic might come off well initially, but their inherent lack of empathy usually shows itself in one way or another. They're unable to be vulnerable, which can create major barriers in maintaining close relationships.
According to Dr. Lisa Webb, narcissistic people have a "deficiency in understanding feelings, [a] lack of empathy, and constant need for self-protection." These traits make it almost impossible for them to emotionally connect to people on a deeper level. "They cannot look at the world from anyone else's perspective, so they find it nearly impossible to open up and be vulnerable with others," she explained.
Narcissistic people rely on their charisma to get closer to people, but once it becomes time to truly share their feelings, they tend to pull back from the relationship.
5. Victim mentality
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People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic usually have a victim mentality, meaning that they frame themselves as always being victimized to avoid taking accountability for their actions that may have caused harm to others. They're masters of shifting blame, and they truly believe that nothing is ever their fault.
They also tend to exaggerate their personal issues, making it seem like their problems are bigger than anyone else's. This overdramatization of the hardships they face allows them to gain attention and sympathy from other people, which is at the core of what they're seeking.
6. Arrogance
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Displaying an arrogant attitude is another trait of people who seem nice but are actually narcissistic. As noted in a medical article titled "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," narcissists "generally speak from a place of self-importance and may demand or expect special treatment."
The article stated that exhibiting narcissistic traits is a normal part of human development. These traits manifest around age 8, increase in adolescence, and decrease in adulthood, although "individuals with a high degree of narcissism early in life tend to maintain a high degree of narcissism in later years."
Narcissists often develop what's called "character armor" as a defense mechanism. They might establish an intense level of arrogance that functions as a maladaptive coping skill, in that arrogance can act as a shield against their deeper insecurities.
7. Competitiveness
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Having an edge of competitiveness is another trait of people who seem nice but are actually narcissistic. They're always working to block other people's shine, even people they seem to care about.
They're usually skilled at hiding just how competitive they are, but they'll take subtle digs at people in casual conversation as a way to assert their dominance. They might pretend they're just joking, but really, their not-so-nice comments capture how they really feel.
They often give people back-handed compliments, then proclaim that the person is being "too sensitive" if they respond negatively. They measure their worth against other people, which makes it hard for them to actually form emotional bonds with anyone.
8. Resentful of other people's success
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A trait that people who seem nice but are actually narcissistic have that's connected to their competitiveness is their resentment of other people's success. While they might congratulate their co-worker for scoring a new client, deep down, they're seething, wondering, "Why them and not me?"
They downplay other people's accomplishments and envy anyone who seems to be more successful than they are. They brag incessantly about their own wins, even though they can't celebrate anyone else's. They tend to use people in strategic ways to give them access to the trappings of success, but they won't give credit where credit is due.
9. Frequently love-bombing
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Another tried-and-true tactic of narcissists is the practice of love-bombing. They'll initially shower you with praise, attention, and affection, making you feel like you're the most important person to them. They might even give you extravagant gifts, an act designed to pull you in and view them with awe. Yet the minute you establish boundaries, they pull away.
The opposite side of love-bombing is employing the silent treatment, which can be seen as a form of emotional abuse. If they don't like how you're behaving, they'll withdraw their affection and cut off communication with you. Icing you out is their way of establishing control over you, and punishing you when things don't go exactly their way.
10. Easily offended
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People who seem nice but are actually narcissistic tend to be hypersensitive and easily offended. Therapist Joanne Brothwell explained that "Narcissists are unable to accept criticism and tend to view any feedback as threatening and insulting."
They see even gentle critique as an attack from people who they believe are "just jealous" of their success and stature. They put other people down often, yet they take great offense at any perceived act of disrespect. In other words, they can dish it out, but they can't take it, which makes it hard to build a lasting relationship with them, as there's no basis for mutual respect or trust.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.