8 Traits Of A Woman Who Often Becomes A Toxic Mother-In-Law When Her Kids Get Married
There is such thing as being toxically over-involved in your grown child's life.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock Watching your kids grow up can be a bittersweet experience, especially for mothers. Their pride at their children's maturity and accomplishments is often mixed with a reluctance to actually let their kids leave the nest.
They might not even notice how their pattern of behavior keeps their adult kids tied to them. It's a dynamic that can be especially difficult once their kids meet romantic partners and fully establish their own separate lives.
While some aspects of being a toxic mother-in-law are based on stereotypes, other traits of that particular type of toxicity are rooted in reality. It might show up in subtle ways, but a woman who often becomes a toxic mother-in-law when her kids get married usually shows her hand from the beginning.
Here are 8 traits of a woman who often becomes a toxic mother-in-law when her kids get married
1. They have an unfulfilling marriage
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Content creator Janelle Marie explained that a common trait of a woman who becomes a toxic mother-in-law is being in an unfulfilling marriage with her own partner.
"I think they're potentially in a risk group to become a mother-in-law who is toxic," Marie explained. "I'm using the word 'toxic' as, like, an all-encompassing term, but a woman who maybe isn't super healthy to her daughter-in-law and doesn't have a healthy view of her relationship with her adult son."
The term "parentification" can be defined as "the process through which children are assigned the role of an adult, taking on both emotional and functional responsibilities that typically are performed by the parent." One form of parentification is known as "spousification," or acting as a surrogate spouse, which can be classified as a form of emotional enmeshment.
If a woman relies on her son to meet her emotional needs, it's highly possible that she'll become the kind of mother-in-law who has a hard time letting go of her son and allowing him to establish his own independent relationship.
2. They favor their sons over their daughters
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Another trait of a woman who often becomes a toxic mother-in-law is favoring her sons over her daughters. While there's not necessarily anything inherently wrong with proclaiming yourself a "boy mom," the role becomes problematic if it's rigidly adhered to, in a way where sons are given preferential treatment.
A woman who favors her sons over her daughters displays an element of internalized misogyny, as she's subconsciously taken on the viewpoint that men hold more value than women, so she puts her sons on a pedestal. As a result of her favoritism, it's likely that she'll have trouble accepting her son starting a relationship with someone else, and she runs the risk of becoming a toxic mother-in-law when her kids get married.
3. They don't get to know their kids' partners
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A woman who ignores or disregards her kids' partners could easily become a toxic mother-in-law. Her dislike and disrespect might show up in subtle ways, or it can be more obvious, like excluding her kids' partners from family traditions or actively ignoring them. By not meeting their emotional needs or treating them with common decency, she's essentially letting them know how little she cares for them.
While parents don't automatically have to like or love their kids' partners, they do have to accept their decision when it comes to choosing a spouse. Showing basic respect is the least she can do, and anything else is a sign that she's become a toxic mother-in-law.
4. They carry their own relationship trauma
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Generational trauma can deeply affect the way people relate to one another, both within their own family systems and outside of them. If a woman was treated poorly by her own mother-in-law, it's totally possible that she'll repeat that behavior with her kids' partners.
Because her relationship with her own mother-in-law was based around disrespect, being cold or demeaning was the only behavior she saw modeled as far as how to show up in that particular role. She never learned the proper way to relate to her kids' partners and, as a result, she operates on the default mode of being a toxic mother-in-law.
5. They're not self-reflective
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Another trait that indicates that a woman could become a toxic mother-in-law when her kids get married is a lack of self-reflection. She might subconsciously behave in ways that hurts her kids' partners or puts them down, yet when her actions are brought to her attention, she denies them, as opposed to doing the internal work needed to show up in a different way for those relationships.
Psychologist Nick Wignall explained that "The best way to practice being more self-aware is to build habits that encourage it." These habits include being curious about how your own mind works and listening more than you speak.
Wignall also noted that people with a high level of self-awareness take feedback seriously, as they "Have the humility to understand that they can't always see themselves objectively." He shared that improving self-awareness requires people to tolerate the discomfort of receiving criticism, while doing the "work to avoid defensiveness at all costs."
A woman who doesn't exhibit self-reflective traits probably struggles to take negative feedback, which means she can't sit with what she's done wrong, let alone try to change her toxic mother-in-law behavior.
6. They have control issues
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Being controlling and overbearing are traits shown by women who often turn into toxic mother-in-laws. They expect everything to go their way, and they can't tolerate when anyone deviates from their projected plan, which makes it hard to navigate any relationship.
As relationship and compatibility coach Deb Dutilh explained, exhibiting controlling behavior is a normal human response to feeling like you don't have agency in your own life. The need to feel a sense of control occurs when people feel "out of control, helpless, powerless, or hopeless."
Dutilh noted that one way to break free from control issues is to practice what she called "detached involvement," advising, "Quit taking things personally. Make no assumptions. Make as few judgments as possible. Say goodbye to the need to be right."
By letting go of the illusion that life is in our control, we give ourselves the gift of feeling free. While reprogramming oneself from having controlling tendencies isn't always easy, it's necessary to do, especially for women who don't actually want to become toxic mother-in-laws.
7. They're overcritical
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Being judgmental and critical of their kids' life choices is another trait a woman might display on her way to becoming a toxic mother-in-law. She might be a perfectionist who thinks she knows all the right answers and the correct way to do things.
This dynamic can become especially complicated if there are grandchildren involved. A woman who leans into toxic mother-in-law territory might criticize the way her grandkids are being raised. She might actively make decisions that go against what the parents want for their kids, like feeding them meals they're allergic to or letting them have more screen time than the parents usually allow.
This behavior sets off a minefield of tension that pits the mother-in-law against her child and their spouse. She might tone down her criticism, but still find ways to take subtle digs at her kid's partner, which is a sign that she's becoming a toxic mother-in-law.
8. They insert themselves into their kids’ lives
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Being over-involved in their kids' lives is another indication that a woman is well on her way to being a toxic mother-in-law. This pattern of behavior can play out in a variety of ways. She might offer unsolicited advice, and then be offended when her kid and their spouse don't take it. She might expect constant communication, or send nagging, non-stop texts at all hours.
If a woman inserts herself into her adult kids' lives, it's a clear sign that she's still attached to them on the same level as when they were actual children. She hasn't given them the space they need to establish their own independent lives, which can often signify trouble down the road, as she might turn into a toxic mother-in-law when her kids get married.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.