Parents Whose Adult Kids Avoid Them Usually Exhibit These 10 Behaviors Without Realizing It
Parents often wonder why their kids are estranged, but it all comes back to the poor behavior.
fizkes | Shutterstock As people grow up and figure out who they are on their own terms, they sometimes distance themselves from their parents. While mistreatment often leads to parental estrangement, the reasons behind an adult kid's decision to cut off a parent aren't always so clear-cut.
Parents whose adult kids avoid them usually exhibit behaviors that impede their connection to each other. Sometimes, these behaviors are obvious, but they can also operate in more subtle ways.
Estrangement is often framed as a one-sided decision, yet becoming estranged is a process that happens over time. According to a 2023 research study, 6% of respondents reported being estranged from their mothers, and 26% reported being estranged from their fathers.
While reconciling with one's parents isn't always possible, the first step to re-establishing contact requires the parents to commit to changing their behavior.
Parents whose adult kids avoid them usually exhibit 10 behaviors without realizing it
1. They're emotionally manipulative
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When adult kids avoid their parents, it's usually due to a long-established pattern of behavior that causes harm. Parents who are emotionally manipulative might not realize they're weaponizing their emotions to get what they want, but their behavior can lead their adult kids to distance themselves.
Parents who rely on guilt-tripping their kids to garner attention might not think they're doing anything wrong, but their behavior makes their children feel bad, which means it's not a healthy form of communication. Parents might also try to shame their kids into doing what they want, which is another unhealthy and hurtful behavior.
While being emotionally manipulative isn't always a conscious behavior on a parent's part, it can cause their adult kids to avoid them.
2. They're dismissive of their adult kids' decisions
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It's fairly common for parents to project their hopes and dreams onto their children, but being dismissive of their kids' choices once they've entered adulthood is often a cause for going low-contact or no-contact.
If an adult child feels like their parents constantly oppose how they've decided to live their lives, they often wind up avoiding their parents. The lack of support from their parents makes them feel devalued or like they can never do anything right.
While a parent might not like their kids' choices, telling them they're wrong for moving across the country or raising their own children in a certain way usually creates a rift. Parents who are dismissive of their adult kids' lives usually convey an air of disapproval and disappointment, which can make their adult kids avoid them.
3. They disrespect their adult kids' partners
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Parents whose adult kids avoid them often show disrespect to their adult kids' partners. By being critical of their children's choice of life partner, they send off negative vibes that make their kids want to avoid them.
It can be hard for parents to recognize their adult children's independence, but accepting their partners for who they are is a crucial part of that process. Parents who dismiss their adult children's partners will often show their disapproval in subtle ways, like excluding them from the family group text or cooking food they can't eat for a holiday dinner.
Yet even though a parent might not like who their child chose as a romantic partner, they should still show them basic respect, or their adult kids might decide to avoid them.
4. They refuse to apologize
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A true apology means acknowledging past behavior and committing to changing that behavior in the future. Yet if a parent refuses to own up to their own behavior, it's highly likely that their adult kids will avoid them.
Psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten noted that the decision to become estranged often occurs due to an "empathic rupture," which is a moment in time that exemplifies a family member's inability or unwillingness to modify their behavior. "It's a representative sort of action that makes you think they're never going to change," she explained.
A parent who won't recognize that their children feel hurt might refuse to apologize because they don't think they've done anything wrong. Their rigid mentality can make it hard for their adult kids to heal their childhood wounds, which can lead them to emotionally or physically avoid their parents.
5. They give unsolicited advice
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Another behavior parents whose adult kids avoid them usually exhibit is offering advice they didn't ask for. It can be hard for parents to step back and realize that, as adults, their children are responsible for their own lives. Yet giving unsolicited advice can come off as criticism, which can make adult kids avoid their parents.
It's one thing for someone to actively request help or seek guidance from their parents, but when parents give advice their adult kids didn't outright ask for, it can play out in a way that leads to estrangement. The adult child might feel as though their parent is disappointed in them, which can make them put up walls and distance themselves.
6. They invade their adult kids' personal lives
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When parents overstep their boundaries and invade their adult kids' personal lives, it can create tension that ultimately leads to their kids avoiding them. No one wants to feel suffocated, even by people they care about.
If a parent repeatedly inserts themselves into their adult children's lives, their kids are likely to avoid them. A parent who invades their adult kids' personal life might text excessively or call during times when they know their child is busy.
It isn't easy for parents to loosen the ties that bind them to their children, but disrespecting their adult kids' independence is a path to being avoided by them.
7. They don't acknowledge their adult kids' identities
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Another behavior that parents exhibit that they often don't realize will lead their adult kids to avoid them is not recognizing them as individuals. Ignoring the fact that their adult kids have developed their own identities, with their own unique interests, can cause separation.
Adult children often come to their own conclusions about how they want to live, and they do so according to a set of values that they've decided upon for themselves. Parents might not agree with them, but they should allow their adult kids to establish who they are according to their own terms.
If parents don't acknowledge their adult children's growth or the ways they've changed, they might find that their kids pull away from them.
8. They have unrealistic expectations
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Having unrealistic expectations can also be a behavior parents exhibit that makes their adult kids avoid them. As kids grow up and figure out what they like and don't like, parents often struggle to see their kids in a new light.
They might expect their adult children to come home for every holiday, even though they have kids of their own, and want to establish new traditions. They might expect their adult kids to call them every day, which disregards the fact that they have their own busy lives.
By holding their adult kids up to standards that are impossible for them to reach, parents create a relationship based on resentment and disappointment, which can ultimately lead to avoidance.
9. They have a judgmental attitude
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Constantly judging their adult children is another way that parents sew the seeds of estrangement. The feeling of being criticized can make people feel alienated from their parents, and lead them to establish distance.
Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame explained that "Overly critical parents can push away their grown-up children." She noted that overcritical interference from parents can make adult kids feel "anxious or unsure about themselves," so "their children might distance themselves from the negativity."
"Some parents don't seem to remember that their kids are grown-ups and deserve to be treated with the same respect the parents give to other adults," Brame concluded.
Adult children who avoid their parents often do so as a self-protective measure, because they don't want to be put down any longer, especially by the people who raised them.
10. They bring up old arguments
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When parents hold grudges and refuse to let the past go, they create a tense environment that their adult kids might decide to avoid. Bringing up arguments that happened years earlier can make adult kids feel as though they'll never be forgiven for mistakes they made when they were young.
Parents who are unable to see their adult kids as being capable of change establish a negative-feedback loop, where their kids feel like they can't do anything to please their parents. As a result, their adult kids might choose to avoid them, rather than be bombarded with everything they've done wrong.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.