I Interviewed An Ex-Incel — He Reveals How He Got Stuck In The Manosphere
I’m a die-hard feminist, but I had a few things in common with this ex-incel.
Zanuck | Canva At 13 years old, I was talking to strangers in AOL chatrooms and reading articles about how to remove body hair, lose cellulite, and flirt with men. When Mike* was 13, he was reading 4chan threads and watching Ben Shapiro “destroy” feminists on YouTube. On the surface, Mike and I have nothing in common.
He’s a man and I’m a woman. He’s tall and I’m short. Judging by his avatar on Reddit (where I contacted him), he’s a person of color and I’m white. He’s also a decade younger than me, making him Gen Z and me a Millennial.
But perhaps the most glaring difference: I am a feminist, and Mike was an incel.
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As a journalist who writes essays about women’s empowerment, involuntary celibates should be my sworn enemies. Contrary to popular belief, though, I don’t hate men. I hate misogynistic values that perpetuate prejudice, and men like Mike are victims of it, same as me.
In the 1980s, blues musician Daryl Davis taught us a valuable lesson: Communication is the key to overcoming hatred. Davis, a Black man, spent 30 years befriending members of the KKK. Through honest discourse, he convinced over 300 Klansmen to give up their robes and rethink their racism.
When we set aside our differences (no matter how massive) and talk to someone, we can’t help but recognize their humanity. After all, no one considers themselves the villain in their own story; they must have some reason for doing what they do.
I asked Mike if I could interview him about his experience as a self-proclaimed incel in the Manosphere, and he agreed. His story provides invaluable insights into how young men fall prey to these communities — and how they can find their way out.
At first, Mike wasn’t bitter toward women, just lonely.
“I was fairly young when I first stumbled onto the Red Pill/Manosphere sites,” Mike told me. He watched YouTube videos and participated in a Kik Messaging chat, which served as a support group for guys. “Sure, some complained about women occasionally, but that wasn’t normalized.”
Soon, however, Mike’s hormones kicked in. He became much more interested in girls — but he had a hard time talking to and flirting with them. From there, he turned to 4chan. According to Mike, this imageboard site was “filled with hate and bigotry towards women,” but due to its anonymity, it felt like a safe place for him to express his feelings. Men are less likely than women to receive emotional support from friends, so many of them rely on the internet for advice and connection, as reported in a 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life.
But Red Pill doctrine quickly convinced Mike that he wasn’t the problem: women were. “I saw women as stuck up and scary,” Mike said. “They wouldn’t give me the attention I craved.”
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His support system eventually turned toxic.
When I asked Mike whether he’d consider the Manosphere a cult, he said he would — but it didn’t start that way. Then again, few cults do. Most present themselves as supportive, validating, and accepting to target vulnerable prey, the University of Texas at Permian Basin found. Like frogs in gradually heated water, victims often don’t realize they’re being boiled alive until it’s too late.
Another psychological tactic used by cults? Isolation. By filling the bubble with believers and shutting out opposing viewpoints, the cult becomes an echo chamber. When the same ideas are reinforced every day by everyone around you, you begin to believe that your reality is the only reality.
Eventually, Mike’s “support group” turned into a “very vile place filled with messed0up thoughts.” Most believed that “nice guys” should be entitled to women’s bodies and attention. Some justified the actions of Elliot Rodger — an incel who killed six people because he couldn’t lose his virginity. If one of the group members did get laid, others would express anger and rage at this “betrayal.”
That didn’t make sense to Mike. “[If] I’m celibate against my will, why would I want to stay celibate given the chance to lose my virginity? It just continued to spiral into more and more degeneracy from there.”
So how did he go from incel to ex-incel? Mike credits his escape to luck — but I’m not convinced.
“I just got lucky. Most incels don’t realize how wrong they are until they’re in their 30s and 40s. Luckily, I just got tired one day and realized that the way [I was] operating wasn’t working. I had been an incel for 3 years and my life was no different [than] when I started buying into the ideology.”
In my opinion, one does not luckily change — especially when bombarded with predatory ideas from such a young age. A 2022 research study from Colorado State University shows that people can alter their beliefs, but it’s not easy. Like well-worn roads, thoughts create neural pathways in the brain, and the more you think those thoughts, the deeper those neural pathways go. Rewiring your brain takes self-awareness and willpower.
I would know. Before I was a feminist, I was a pick-me girl, and it took months of intensive trauma therapy to convince me that male attention did not determine my value. Mike also took the self-improvement route, though not through therapy. Instead, he took responsibility for how women perceived him. He worked on his appearance and well-being, prioritizing personal hygiene, grooming, clothing, and fitness. “I now have a defined style, which suits me,” said Mike, who is no longer celibate and has an easier time talking to women.
When I asked Mike how his view of women changed throughout his journey, he said, “I started off seeing women as an object for my desire […] But honestly, I now see why they behaved in the way they did. It’s a scary world out there with weird and dangerous men with ulterior motives at every corner. Can’t say I would act any differently if I were a woman myself.”
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Once he got to know women, Mike started seeing women as people with lives, ambitions, and fears — the same as him.
In reality, our experiences weren't so different. In our adolescence, we both searched for acceptance behind the safety of a keyboard. We relied on media to understand our roles in society. Our undeveloped teenage brains lacked reasoning and downloaded our culture's messaging without question.
In both 2005 and 2015, the message was clear: “Women exist to please men.” Perhaps that’s why I was a pick-me, and he was an incel. Fortunately, we both rewrote those beliefs — and we both hope that being transparent about our experiences will help others do the same.
*Mike is a pseudonym used to protect this individual’s identity, but all quotes and events are accurate to the best of my knowledge.