8 Subtle Traits Of People Who Are Very Lonely
There's some comfort in knowing that everyone feels lonely throughout the course of a lifetime.
PinkCoffee Studio | Shutterstock Feeling lonely is a painful yet normal part of being human. At the peak of loneliness, a person might feel like they have no one to rely on or reach out to, and the accompanying sense of isolation can be crushing.
Yet feeling lonely doesn't always mean someone is literally alone. It's possible to feel lonely even when you're surrounded by other people. The traits of people who are very lonely aren't always obvious, yet there are common aspects of loneliness that stand out if you're paying close attention.
Like all emotions and states of mind, loneliness isn't permanent. Despite its impermanence, being lonely often feels overwhelming and persistent, like it's something you can't escape, no matter how hard you try.
Here are 8 subtle traits of people who are very lonely
1. They struggle with vulnerability
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Psychologist Guy Winch describes loneliness as "A universal and deeply human experience [that] transcends geographical and cultural boundaries."
"Loneliness is something we all feel, no matter where we're from or how we live," he explained. "It's like this tricky part of being human that's not always easy to figure out." Winch noted that there is an antidote to feeling lonely: connecting with other people on an emotional level.
Yet connecting to others is often easier said than done, especially if you already feel very lonely. Loneliness can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, in that people feel too isolated to reach out to anyone, so they stay stuck in their solitude.
People who are very lonely often have a hard time letting themselves be vulnerable, because they're deeply scared of being hurt. They worry that if they open up, the person they're talking to will decide that they're too weird or depressing. They tend to avoid sharing how they feel, even when they're given the opportunity to do so. Very lonely people mask their emotions, which makes connection hard to maintain.
Being vulnerable isn't easy or even comfortable, yet showing our true selves is what keeps us from feeling completely alone.
2. They overanalyze social interactions
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When people who are very lonely find themselves in social situations, they often second-guess themselves and hold back from showing who they really are. It's as if they're standing behind a pane of glass, watching themselves interact with other people.
Their overall sense of disconnection seeps into their socializing, which leads them to overthink what they say and how they say it. They tend to criticize themselves for how they acted. This negative, repetitive thought process falls under the category of rumination.
According to an article in the journal "Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience," the clinical definition of rumination classifies it as "A mode of responding to distress that entails repetitively and passively focusing on the distress as well as its possible causes and consequences."
Rumination is a form of perseverative cognition that's related to worry, yet people tend to ruminate on things that happened in the past or the present, while their worries usually pertain to future unknowns.
Very lonely people replay conversations in their head because they're so concerned with how they were perceived by others. This anxiety-focused echo chamber makes it hard for people who are very lonely to enjoy being around other people, even though they crave connection.
3. They're highly sensitive
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Another trait of people who are very lonely is that they're highly sensitive. Their loneliness makes them especially attuned to feeling criticized, whether that criticism is based in reality or imagined. Having a heightened level of sensitivity makes certain aspects of life feel challenging because it can make people's emotions feel overwhelming.
Licensed clinical psychologist Amy Morin noted that highly sensitive people process sensory data more deeply than others. She explained that highly sensitive people easily recognize other people's discomfort, which makes them very empathic friends. They also need time to recharge after social interactions and tend to retreat from other people when they feel overwhelmed.
Being highly sensitive might seem like a challenging way to enter the world, but once people recognize their own sensitivity, they gain the awareness they need to care for themselves best.
4. They don't believe they're worthy of love
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Another subtle trait of people who are very lonely is that they don't believe they're worthy of being loved. Their experience in isolation mistakenly makes them believe that they're too broken to love or be loved. As a result, they have a hard time bridging the gap between themselves and others and create strong connections.
In her TED Talk "The Power of Vulnerability," researcher and author Brené Brown explained that "Connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." Through her research, Brown discovered that "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it."
"The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging," she explained. "That's it. They believe they're worthy." Brown concluded, "The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection."
Even though very lonely people don't feel worthy of love, the truth is that everyone deserves to access love. We have to accept ourselves and learn to love the entirety of who we are, with all our messy imperfections. Until we learn to embrace our inherent worth, we won't be capable of extending or receiving love.
5. They insist on doing things alone
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Sometimes, very lonely people reinforce their loneliness by insisting that they do everything on their own. This insistence is often rooted in a fear that they'll come off as too needy or be seen as a burden. They might downplay their hardships and avoid asking for help because they're scared to be reliant on other people.
By not requesting or accepting help, lonely people often end up feeling like the world is against them, and they only have themselves. Asking for outside support isn't necessarily easy, but it's a crucial part of keeping our connections strong.
Everyone needs help at some point in their lives, and asking for that help doesn't make people weak. Asking for help is a sign of strength, because it shows your ability to access your own vulnerabilities and take risks.
6. They have active imaginations
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A subtle trait of people who are very lonely is that they often have vivid imaginations. They spend a lot of time diving deep into their own interior world, oftentimes because it feels safer than the real world, which is full of difficult situations and other people who could potentially hurt them.
Daydreaming provides an escape from their loneliness. It allows them to picture connections they might not have or see a version of themselves they'd like to embody. There's no active harm in having a strong imagination, but living life in your head can make it feel even harder to actually connect to other people.
7. They over-apologize
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People who are very lonely often over-apologize for things they think they've said wrong or just for being present in a certain place.
Frequent apologizing is an anxious tendency that stems from feeling like you don't fully belong. Very lonely people worry that they're bothering other people, so they apologize for taking up too much space.
Unless we're purposefully hurting or demeaning other people, we have a right to share space with them. Very lonely people display their discomfort with taking up space by saying they're sorry, when really, they don't have anything to say sorry for.
8. They have a self-deprecating sense of humor
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Having a strong sense of humor is essential to getting through the harder parts of life, yet very lonely people often use humor to deflect how they really feel.
They tend to develop a self-deprecating sense of humor, which means they make fun of themselves or put themselves down in a way that makes other people laugh. Self-deprecating humor masks their loneliness. By making jokes about themselves, it's almost as though they're teasing themselves before anyone else can do so.
While humor is a kind of connective tissue that brings people together, being mean to yourself for the sake of others will eventually erode your self-esteem, until you truly believe the cruel things you're saying.
Shifting your mindset and thinking positively about yourself is a challenging process, but it's one that will make you feel better about who you are, which is ultimately how you'll build your capacity to connect with other people.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.