If You Have These 5 Common Problems In Your Marriage, Experts Say There Is A Simple Solution
95% of people believe they have this skill, but only 15% actually do!
SHOTPRIME Studio | Shutterstock Every marriage is different and because of that, will face varying problems. While the source of hurt is different for every couple, there's often one problem at the root of each of these issues — a lack of self-awareness. In a four-year study, researchers determined that 95% of people think they are self-aware...but only 10% to 15% actually are!
Think about your partner's face when they're in a grumpy mood. They don't even need to speak for you to know how they feel. Why can't we have this same level of awareness with ourselves? If we could, we could prevent a lot of hurt and heartache.
In a Relationship Fitness Summit interview, world-renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary shared how much harm is done when people lack self-awareness. She shares how we can fix it, too.
The Relationship Fitness Summit is a free virtual event from September 25th through the 28th, you can learn skills like self-awareness to help you master healthy relationships. All you have to do is sign up!
Five common marriage problems and how self-awareness can help
1. Bickering
Most people have a bad habit of getting caught up in little details that don't really matter. In the moment, it can be hard to see how useless and bad the energy is when we bicker — until it's too late.
Here's how self-awareness can help: You sense that you're arguing over something unimportant, or you're triggered into engaging in useless bickering because your partner "started it." Regardless, learning to catch yourself early and respond lovingly is the best way to go.
Set those boundaries lovingly, and learn to control your emotions. Most importantly, stop pushing forward if your partner feels overwhelmed. It's important to learn how to take breaks.
Otherwise, you'll only end up making your relationship worse. Dr. Shefali explains that this is the biggest issue with her life and her clients' lives. She continues, "People who are blind to their own holes, their inner wounds, [can be] catastrophic."
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2. Infidelity
The truth about infidelity is that people self-medicate with the attention and affection of others or simply compartmentalize their bad behavior. They even believe that this person is "meant for them" and buy into the unrealistic fairytale of happily ever after — not realizing the grass isn't always greener on the other side. So, how do we stop ourselves from going too far?
A little self-awareness might help, and here's how: Start by recognizing the pattern in yourself. Maybe you feel a need for validation or exhilaration because you're bored or frustrated with your life. Ask yourself why that is and journal it down.
Then, discuss with your partner. Be open about your frustrations and the needs you have. Be a good listener and understand where they're coming from as well.
Learn to work through it together and never hold anything in. Dr. Shefali says it's more than just a recipe to more peaceful relationships, "That is the way to peace in the world."
3. Resentments
The worst thing you can do is let hurt fester and grow. And by not addressing it, or healing from it, you're allowing resentment to grow and make way in your relationship.
So, how can self-awareness help? Dr. Tsabary explains, "When you don't have self-awareness you create havoc for yourself and for others around you."
You see, the problem in your relationship becomes ten times worse without self-awareness. This is why Dr. Tsabary feels strongly about acknowledging your inner dialog and writing down what it is you feel. Because, when you're aware of the issue, then it's easy to prevent it from becoming toxic to your relationship.
4. Displaced bad moods
It's inevitable to have a bad day or get frustrated by a situation. Yet, taking your frustrations out on your partner because you're in a cruddy mood is never okay.
Self-awareness helps you recognize the pattern in yourself. Recognize that your partner doesn't deserve your bad treatment and then learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Dr. Shefali says, "Self-awareness takes a lot of honesty." To say, "Did you see yourself just react like a lunatic? Did you see how you flipped out?" takes a lot of strength but is key to treating people well, even when you're stressed or upset.
Yet, if you're struggling with setting boundaries here are some tips from The Gottman Institute: learn to self-soothe by checking in with your emotions. Go into another room and take twenty minutes to deep breathe and collect yourself.
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5. Drifting apart
Getting caught up in life, you sometimes allow your connection with your partner to fade. And it happens so unconsciously that one day you might wake up wondering, 'When did it all go wrong?'
Yet, just because your relationship is like this doesn't mean it can't change. Yet, it requires a lot of communication on your part, and — you guessed it! — self-awareness!
Self-awareness allows you to see the change when it happens inside of you. This means you sit down with your partner and discuss what's been bothering you and find different ways to reconnect, before you drift too far apart.
For some, that can look like going out on a date once a week. For others, it can be sitting down for thirty minutes every day to discuss your day and how you're feeling. Understandably, it's hard to break the pattern of complacency at first. On top of that, people hate vulnerability and hate speaking about their emotions.
But Dr. Tsabary warns, "If you don't have this capacity for this back-and-forth inner dialogue you don't have self-awareness." And because of this, you can't problem-solve.
And, according to research published in the International Journal of Community-Based Nursing & Midwifery, effective problem-solving skills increase marital satisfaction. Healing the pain points you might've collected over time.
For more, tune into the free Relationship Fitness Summit, September 25 - 28, where you will have the opportunity to learn:
- Tools, skills, and strategies to improve your relationship in all key areas of your life. Whether that be in your work life, family life, friendships, love life, or your relationship with yourself.
- Learning to deep listen, take accountability, and develop the curiosity to achieve exceptional relationships.
- Understanding that there's power in relationship fitness and that it's key to happiness, longevity, health, emotional wellness, and even financial well-being.
- ...and so much more!
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.