Family Lawyer Explains Why 50/50 Relationships Are A ‘Scam’
She says it's impossible to have an even split of responsibilities in a relationship.
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock A lot of people say they want things in their relationship to be split 50/50. That way, both partners have equal responsibilities, right?
One family attorney argued that men and women cannot possibly have a perfectly equitable relationship because a 50/50 split never works out the way you envision.
A family lawyer said that equitable relationships are not possible and are a 'scam.'
Tanya Musgrove is a family lawyer, mediator, divorce coach, and content creator. She offered viewers her perspective on 50/50 relationships and why they don’t really exist.
“I wanna talk about what makes a relationship an equal or equitable relationship when it comes to how we divide up all of the different responsibilities,” she began.
Musgrove then showed a piece of paper with four circles on it. “I’ve drawn out a little diagram of all the different areas in a relationship that people need to divide up,” she said. “I’m gonna call this spheres of responsibility.”
To illustrate her point, the lawyer used four spheres to represent areas of domestic labor in a marriage.
Musgrove labeled the four spheres as money, housework, emotional and mental work, and children.
“Usually, when men are talking about 50/50, they’re only talking about this,” she explained, pointing to the money sphere. However, Musgrove countered that much more than finances go into making a relationship equal.
“In some cases, they will include housework,” she continued. “But, in reality, it’s usually the woman doing more … And the reason is usually the woman’s standards are higher.”
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Musgrove used this to illustrate how many relationships aren’t actually equal. “So already, if the couple is sharing finances equally, and the woman is doing more around the house, then you already have an unequal division of labor,” she explained.
Musgrove then moved on to the other two spheres of responsibility.
“Now, this work almost always falls to women exclusively because they seem to, for whatever reason, fall into the role of managing the household,” she said, referring to the mental and emotional work sphere.
She continued, “On top of that, many women take on the role of managing their husband’s schedules.” This adds to the mental and emotional load they take on.
“And then when we come over to the children, this is impossible to be shared equally,” Musgrove claimed. “That is a big deal because pregnancy is difficult on the body. It is a huge burden. It literally changes your body forever. It changes your brain and it risks your life, so as a woman, this is a huge burden you are taking on solely in the relationship.”
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The family lawyer concluded that an equitable relationship is impossible because of this — and experts agree.
Musgrove reviewed the spheres of responsibility and demonstrated how women almost automatically take on more responsibilities than a man does in a relationship.
“Even in relationships where a man is providing financially 100%, usually the expectation is that the woman then does 100% of the housework, 100% of the emotional and mental work, and 100% of all of the childcare,” she stated. That's clearly not a 50/50 split — it's far closer to 25/75.
Relationship coaches and authors Linda and Charlie Bloom wrote about why 50/50 relationships do not work for Psychology Today. “Marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition,” they said. “Conducting a relationship as a business deal will get you in a lot of trouble.”
Furthermore, the Blooms argued that agreements, like who will handle the finances, are normal in a relationship. But, when everything is split 50/50, it becomes “transactional.”
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Phyllis Koch-Sheras and Peter Sheras have been couples therapists for over 40 years. They agree that 50/50 relationships don't work and advise couples to strive for 100/100 instead.
"A great couple is one where each person is committed to the whole, not just their half," the couple explained. "So, it's not 50/50; it's 100/100. That means that at any moment in time, each of you is committed to the entire relationship."
If you think your current relationship is 50/50, reexamine the spheres of responsibility. Are you handling three spheres all by yourself?
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news, and human interest topics.