10 Compliments That Are Actually Insults In Disguise
There's nothing uplifting about veiled insults.
David Florin | Pexels We've all learned the lesson that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Yet some people find their way around that sage piece of advice.
They hide their mean comments with a smile or a sweet tone of voice. They offer fake praise and point out your flaws. They pretend to like aspects of your personality that they actually can't stand. But when you pay close attention, you'll notice that their compliments are insults in disguise.
Backhanded compliments are structured in a way where it seems like someone is saying something nice or congratulatory, but really, they're taking a subtle dig at who you are. You can recognize a backhanded compliment because it leaves you feeling bad about yourself, which is the opposite of what a true compliment should do.
Here are 10 compliments that are actually insults in disguise
1. 'You look great for your age'
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Telling someone they look good for their age is a classic example of an insult disguised as a compliment. While telling someone that they look great is a compliment, adding on "for your age" turns it into an insult.
The comment is a thinly-veiled form of ageism, as it's essentially declaring that older people aren't as attractive as their younger counterparts. It holds people up to a rigid beauty standard and to the idea that youth has more inherent value than age. We live in a society that defines people's worth by their appearance, and telling someone they look great for their age reinforces that belief.
The truth is that we're all worthy, no matter what we look like or how old we are. The people who refuse to recognize that truth are the ones who are most likely to deliver insults disguised as compliments.
2. 'Your work is better than I expected'
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Exceeding someone's expectations isn't necessarily a bad thing. It shows that you're highly intelligent and dedicated, and that you gave the project your all. Yet when someone tells you that your work is better than they expected, what they're really saying is that they didn't think you were capable to begin with.
This type of disguised insult is common in the workplace, especially when the company culture is competitive and results-driven.
According to a paper published by Harvard Business School, people who give backhanded compliments believe that "they will both convey high status and elicit liking," yet in reality, they're not granted either. The researchers reported that backhanded compliments are successful in one specific area: they actually reduce people's motivation.
If your boss responds to a presentation you've made by expressing mild shock that you did so well, it typically means they hold you to low standards. A true compliment is simple: Your boss could have just said, "Nice work." Instead, they chose to subtly let you know that they think you're less competent than you really are.
3. 'You have such a unique sense of style'
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The clothes we wear are a big part of our self-expression. The way someone dresses often conveys their beliefs, values, and personality.
As an article in the Fashion and Law Journal explained, fashion is a tool for communicating who we are to the outside world. Fashion is used to fit into social norms and to stand out against them.
Students who have been dress-coded by school administrators know that clothes can be politicized. Employees who are told they don't "look professional" know that clothes hold social capital.
The clothes we wear hold more meaning than just covering our bodies: They send a message of how we see ourselves and how we want to be seen. When someone tells you that your style is "so unique" or that your outfit is "so different," it generally means they don't like what you're wearing or they don't get why you'd choose that particular outfit.
Sometimes, differences in opinion on style are generational. Other times, fashion-related judgments are exactly that: morally-charged scrutiny that holds some people as superior to others.
No matter what anyone says, your style is your choice. Dressing in a way that makes you feel empowered and confident is more important than someone else's opinion.
4. 'I wish I were as laidback as you'
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Another example of an insult that's disguised as a compliment is when a person says, "I wish I could be as relaxed as you are."
Someone might say this when you're at the playground with your kids, and you've decided to watch from the sidelines instead of hovering over them. They might praise how laidback you are when it comes to being single, as in, "I can't believe you're so chill about dating. I'd be so stressed if I didn't have a boyfriend."
This statement might initially seem positive, but in reality, it's a form of comparison. Someone who says this is holding you up to their standards to find that you don't meet them. Oftentimes, it's more a reflection on them than on you. They might be a perfectionist who doesn't let anything slide. They might be a people-pleaser who relies on outside validation to feel good about themselves.
As with any insult pretending to be a compliment, you don't have to acknowledge it or respond. Show how laidback you really are by ignoring what they've said and being your most authentic self.
5. 'I could never handle what you're going through'
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Imagine that you're out to coffee with a friend who you haven't seen in a while. You talk about your family, sharing photos of your vacation or your kid's ballet recital. In a moment of vulnerability, you open up about the struggles you've been facing.
Maybe your boss is breathing down your neck at work. Maybe your kid isn't doing well in school, or maybe your marriage feels distant and strained. Whatever the case, you reveal your worries, and your friend responds by saying, "I could never handle that."
It's an insult that's framed as a compliment, in that it seems like they're praising you for your inner strength in a difficult situation. But hearing this probably leaves a bad taste in your mouth, because it's not actually a compassionate or supportive response.
Most likely, your friend isn't trying to be purposefully cruel or point out how hard your life is. They might genuinely think that what they're saying is complimentary, even though it makes you feel less-than. It could be that they don't know what to say when people share their challenges or complicated emotions, so they say the wrong thing.
Instead of focusing on their insult, give yourself the grace of an actual compliment. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can with the tools you have. Affirm yourself by recognizing that you're going through a tough time, but remind yourself that it won't last forever.
6. 'You're so lucky you don't care what you look like'
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Someone who says that it's so great that you don't care what you look might think they're complimenting you, but really, they're insulting you. Essentially, they're telling you that the way you put yourself together makes you seem unkempt and inattentive.
This insult in disguise is often a projection of what the other person holds important when it comes to how they look. They might feel insecure without heavy makeup, so your decision to not wear any strikes them as bold. They might hyper-focus on what you're wearing because they don't feel comfortable in their own skin.
When women say this phrase to other women, it's an example of internalized misogyny. It upholds rigid gender stereotypes along with the idea that a woman's worth is based on how she presents herself.
Just because someone wears clothes that aren't your style or does their hair differently than you doesn't mean they don't care. Rather, it means that they're guided by the fashion sense that works best for them.
Putting less emphasis on physical appearance can be liberating. It can open us up to the belief that our worth isn't tied to how we look, which is a lesson that can take a lifetime to learn. There's nothing wrong with putting effort into your appearance, but there is something wrong with judging others because they don't fit into your definition of beauty.
7. 'I love how you say whatever's on your mind'
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Outspokenness is a trait that's celebrated in men yet tends to be looked down upon for women. When a man says what he thinks, he's generally praised for being a strong communicator. When a woman does the same, she's often seen as shrill or demanding or any number of negative words used to cut women down.
If someone says that they love the way you say whatever you're thinking, they're low-key insulting you for speaking up. Their use of the word "love" is truly passive-aggressive, in that they really mean the opposite: They don't like that you speak your mind, at all. They might think they're being tactful by not calling you out directly, but they're still calling you out, just in a disguised manner.
Any woman in a corporate boardroom knows how hard it is to have her voice be heard over her male colleagues. Sharing your thoughts in a professional setting might cause friction, especially if you work in a male-dominated field or you take a different position than everyone else.
Yet that doesn't mean you should stay quiet. Speaking truth to power is a valuable skill to have, even if other people disagree.
8. 'You're so brave'
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We all face hardship at some point in our lives. While the intensity of our struggles might vary, emotional distress isn't a comparison game. It can't really be measured or quantified against anything else, meaning that whatever pain you're in is valid, no matter how small the issue seems.
"You're so brave" is often uttered by well-meaning people who don't know how to respond to someone in a difficult situation. It's supposed to be a compliment about a person's inner strength and resilience, yet it's actually an insult. The undertone to the statement is, "I can't believe you have to deal with that" or "I would never want to be in your shoes."
Telling someone they're "so brave" for navigating their own life has an air of superiority, as though the person saying it thinks that nothing so awful could ever happen to them.
Maybe you're a mom with a chronically ill child. Maybe your aging parents need extensive care. You could be unemployed or losing your housing or any other myriad of things that are out of our control. A person who says, "You're so brave" isn't actually offering supportive or soothing words, they're just increasing the distance between themselves and you.
A truly empathetic response would be to say, "That sounds really challenging. I believe in you and your ability to do hard things. Let me know how I can support you."
9. 'You're smarter than you seem'
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This statement is an especially harsh insult that's disguised as a compliment. When someone says this, it means they made a snap judgment about your intelligence and abilities and you surpassed what they expected of you.
Depending on context, telling someone they're smarter than they seem is more than an insult, it's a microaggression. It's a way of wielding societal power and exerting control over people while making them feel inferior.
More often than not, having high intelligence is a trait that's rewarded. Yet being truly intelligent means extending respect and compassion to all people. Someone who's unable to do so likely has low emotional intelligence and a narrow worldview, which makes them closed-minded and cruel.
10. 'You're such an inspiration'
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Another example of a compliment that's actually an insult in disguise is telling someone they're inspirational. This insult is a tricky one. It might initially make you feel good about yourself, and the person saying it might want to make you feel confident and proud. Yet underneath the praise, there's a sense of condescension.
It implies that you're on a lower level than the person paying you this faux-compliment, and that they don't see you as a fully-realized individual containing layers of nuance. This statement could be a sign that the person has a superiority complex or a total lack of self-awareness.
You don't have to accept any insult disguised as a compliment, and you certainly don't have to believe them, either.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.