The Psychological Reason You Can't Break Free From That One Bad Ex
Therapist Logan Cohen shares why you feel stuck and the first step to getting free.
stockfour | Canva Most people have one bad ex they can’t seem to break free from. Whether it’s because of trauma bonding or whether it’s because of years spent together, it’s hard to do away with a connection that meant so much to you. This can be especially disconcerting when the relationship was extremely unhealthy, making you wonder, what's wrong with me? Why can't I let them go?
The answer lies in our psychology. Human beings naturally crave security, and sometimes that instinct can backfire.
The psychological reason you can’t break free from that one bad ex
Before you judge yourself too harshly, know that there is a solution. The Relationship Fitness Summit is an entirely free and virtual event from September 25 to 28, where you can learn to master healthy relationship habits you can apply immediately to feel more seen, understood, and appreciated, just by signing up.
In a fascinating interview for the summit, therapist Logan Cohen exposes the psychological reason some people can’t get over a bad ex and motivates the audience to take the first step toward breaking free.
Our relationships are a key factor in our happiness and we deserve to be loved by people who will treat us well. According to research, toxic relationships make you more susceptible to substance abuse, impacting your mental health. Specifically, people in toxic relationships can develop conditions like depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
When red flags feel like an invitation home
Cohen told host Arianna Jeret, “As far as why people see the red flags and keep dipping their toes and then their knees all in that water, it’s because those red flags feel like an invitation home.”
On the inside, you know that this person’s behavior isn’t right. So why stay? Cohen explains that you probably had to live with something you knew was wrong your whole life. Maybe your caretakers yelled at you or belittled each other, or someone who was supposed to be in charge drank too much or used substances and couldn't care for you. But you were a small child, and you had no other choice but to depend upon them.
“If you've also spent decades placating those types of people and developing your own mastery for managing those types of people, what else do you know how to do?” Cohen explains.
How to break free
In the interview, Cohen shares all sorts of constructive ideas for learning to see red flags for what they are — warnings to turn around and walk away. But the first step is to heal and recognize the cycle you’re in. Figuring out ways to detach and starting to refocus on your goals, values, and what fills you with joy will help.
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Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.