The Unresolved Issue That Caused My Marriage To Burn — 'It Was There The Whole Time, Smoldering'

A slow burn usually refers to a romance that happens slowly, with a focus on connection. In my marriage, it worked backward. We lacked connection, and the slow burn of resentment slowly carried me further away and into a state of loneliness. I felt unlovable.

It wasn’t until I was already deeply hurt that I realized all the times something rude was said, or an apology never came, or an argument was ignored, which caused a rift. I call them the hurts that were never healed.

Addressing those hurts is essential for a relationship to stay intact. It requires open, honest communication and listening to what the other person experienced, regardless of how you intended it. Relationships are subjective; each person’s experience is equally valid.

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I thought we were forgiving each other, but really, we were avoiding conflict at the expense of our relationship. 

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We had one serious argument about how to renovate the house, and while my idea was selected, the anguish of that disagreement made me vow never to have an opinion about the house again. I agreed with every idea, and I didn’t ask for things to be finished when they were almost done. 

I thought I was being supportive but what I was doing was stifling every creative idea I had to keep the peace. I was living in a home and didn’t feel I had the right to have an opinion.

When an attempt to connect is ignored or returned with harshness, this results in what John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher from the University of Washington, calls "rejected bids." According to Gottman, rejected bids may be one reason for marital conflict. Humanity has a deep desire to connect, and we reach out to offer a "bid" of connection, and then the "bid" is either accepted or rejected. Humans need 85% of accepted bids to feel connected.

RELATED: The Harsh Reason Marital Intimacy Often Dies A Very Slow Death

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We disagreed fiercely about politics and agreed not to discuss it to prevent arguments. 

Studies from the Pew Research Center have shown that people are quick to assume that those holding different political views are morally inferior. The partisan (in-group) instincts are so great that it is hard to take someone having a different view as anything other than ignorant or even evil. That's bad enough in our society, but it's incredibly damaging for your relationship. 

A topic being off the table should be a red flag in a relationship. I thought we were compromising; instead, I felt silenced. At their core, these are issues of feeling seen, heard, and valued. Not feeling those things is what ultimately led to the breakdown of my marriage. There wasn’t a match lit and a house up in flames, but rather a slow burn.

It was a slow burn of being pushed further and further apart by allowing the hurts to smolder and never be healed. It wasn’t intentional and possibly could have been tended to, but it went on too long for me to feel like I could trust him when he said he could do what I had been asking for years. Research indicates that over 55 percent of married women are not interested in being physically intimate with their husbands.

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Bex W. is a writer and emergency room nurse. She shares stories about her life to help others feel less alone and has articles featured on Medium.