Parents Who Don't Have Close Bonds With Their Adult Kids Usually Have These 10 Traits Without Realizing It
It's no wonder a grown adult would cut contact with parents who have these traits.
fizkes | Shutterstock Part of becoming an adult involves becoming emotionally independent, which often means deciding which relationships you want to cultivate and which ones you want to step back from.
As children, we rely on our families to provide us with adequate practical and emotional support, yet not everyone receives that support. That lack of care can cause rifts between parents and their children, which sometimes leads to estrangement.
Here are 10 traits of parents who don't have close bonds with their adult kids, usually without realizing it
1. They're dismissive
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When parents don't pay attention to their children's needs or neglect to show interest in their children's lives, it usually means they don't have a close bond.
Being dismissive is a sign of an uninvolved parenting style. It's highly likely that this type of parent was very hands-off while raising their kids. They rarely set rules or made demands of their children, like enforcing that they do household chores or finish their homework.
Dismissive parents were indifferent to their kids, ignoring when they needed guidance or care. They often overlooked things that were important to their kids, like sitting on the sidelines at their soccer games or showing up to watch the school play.
Kids with dismissive parents often become adults who want very little to do with their family of origin. They don't go home for holidays because they never had a close bond to begin with. They don't share any personal news with their parents because they know it will just be brushed aside.
Even if parents don't realize they're dismissive, it can still cause their kids extensive emotional harm.
2. They're self-centered
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Another trait parents exhibit when they're not close with their adult children is self-centeredness.
When their kid calls to check in, they talk about their problems, without asking how their kid is doing. This kind of emotional dumping depletes people's energy and capacity for empathy, so their kids call less in order to protect their own peace.
Parents who take up a lot of space often don't provide an equitably supportive space, in return. Self-centered parents see their lives as more important than anyone else's, including their kids, which sadly can make their kids decide they don't want to extend the effort to stay in touch.
3. They're emotionally unavailable
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Parents who are emotionally unavailable don't always realize how damaging that trait can be to their children's long-term development.
According to a 2017 study on psychological health, when parents have accepting and supportive attitudes, their children develop stronger emotional regulation skills. In contrast, when parents lack emotional availability, their kids struggle to express and process their feelings, because they weren't taught how to do so.
Researchers found that the positive effects having emotionally available parents extended beyond childhood. Children who receive emotional support from their parents through adolescence and young adulthood continue to feel attached to them and care about them.
Yet the bond between parents and their adult kids can rupture if their relationship was built on ignoring emotions and not providing space to discuss difficult issues.
4. They're not affectionate
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Another trait that can weaken the bond between parents and children is being unaffectionate. Humans are social creatures, which means we need physical touch and direct expressions of love and care in order to survive and thrive.
A 2013 study from UCLA found that parental affection and warmth protects children from the toxic effects of stress. Researchers reported that when a child in an adverse situation has a nurturing parental relationship, it benefits their overall well-being. They also noted that having a loving relationship with one's parents can impact adverse health outcomes later on in life.
Everyone shows love in different ways, but not showing it at all sets kids up for struggle. Parents who are cold or emotionally inexpressive run the risk of their kids cutting off contact once they grow up.
5. They don't validate their kids' experiences
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An adult child who's decided to go no-contact or low-contact with their parents usually chooses estrangement as a final resort. They've tried to bridge the gap between themselves and their parents, only their parents refused to recognize that they'd done anything wrong.
It takes self-awareness and inner strength for an adult child to approach their parents and ask them to be accountable for their hurtful behavior. When parents devalidate their kids by declaring their childhood wasn't so bad or that it wasn't their fault, their kids are less likely to want to stay connected.
Parents who don't validate their children's experiences most likely don't have a close bond with them, and until they do their own inner work their relationship will probably remain distant.
6. They don't respect boundaries
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When a parent consistently pushes up against boundaries, it's an indication that they're not listening to or honoring their child's needs. Their boundary violations might seem small or innocuous, yet over time, they build up, until maintaining a close relationship feels untenable for their kids.
While reinforcing boundaries can feel especially difficult to do with your own family, you have a right to set them. Just because your mom wants to ask about your dating life or criticize your eating habits, doesn't mean you have to allow it.
Parents who disrespect boundaries usually don't have a close connection to their adult kids.
7. They ignore their kids' achievements
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While an essential part of being a present parent is to support your kids when they're experiencing hardship, it's equally important to be there when they win.
Whether they aced a presentation at work or finally got the promotion they were hoping for, people want their parents to be proud of them, no matter how old they are. By celebrating their successes, parents provide their kids with approval and admiration.
Parents who gloss over the milestones their kids achieve shouldn't expect to stay close to them for very long.
8. They're hyper-critical
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Being overly critical is another trait displayed by parents who aren't close to their adult kids.
They might nitpick and point out bad habits or judge the way their kids choose to be parents, themselves. It's possible they bring up past grievances that they still haven't let their kids off the hook for.
No one likes being told that they're wrong all the time, as that kind of criticism chips away at a person's sense of self-worth. By focusing more on their past mistakes than who their kids are as adults, parents put up a wall that's hard to break down.
9. They're controlling
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Being controlling goes hand-in-hand with having a critical attitude, and it's another way that parents distance themselves from their adult children.
It's one thing for parents to have a say in what their kids do when they're young, but once they're adults, they should be free to make their own decisions. Even if a parent disagrees with their children's choices, expecting them to change their lifestyle is unrealistic.
When parents put pressure on their adult kids to live according to their rules, it's a clear sign that their bond won't remain close for very long.
10. They guilt-trip
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It's highly likely that parents who rely on guilting their adult children don't have a close bond. When a parent's main form of communication is laying on the guilt, their kids will probably avoid being in touch with them, if only to side-step being made to feel bad.
Guilt-tripping falls under the category of low-key emotional manipulation, so it's no wonder that a grown adult would cut out contact with someone who uses it as a tactic.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.