9 Subtle Traits Of People Who Lack Self-Respect, Even If They Don't Realize It
A lack of self-worth can easily contribute to a loss of joy.
Daniel M Ernst | Shutterstock A person's self-worth is built around their inner sense of being good enough and deserving of love and acceptance. Self-worth is related to someone's perception of themselves, and it impacts whether or not they treat themselves with respect.
Disrespecting yourself isn't always obvious, but there are various signs that indicate your level of self-regard.
Here are 9 subtle traits of people who lack self-respect, even if they don't realize it
1. They ignore their own needs
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Taking care of other people is admirable, but not when that care comes at the cost of your own well-being. Someone without self-respect puts others' needs and wishes before their own, because they don't truly believe that they deserve to take care of themselves.
People who lack self-respect aren't always aware that they're ignoring their own needs, yet they see clear side effects of doing so. It's highly likely that they'll experience burnout because they push past their limits without giving themselves time to rest and recharge.
Ignoring your needs often leads to a feeling of bitterness and regret, which can negatively affect your relationships with other people.
2. They're self-critical
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People with no self-respect are their own harshest critics. They judge themselves constantly, which creates a negative feedback loop in their minds that's impossible to tune out.
Instead of recognizing that everyone has growth points, people who lack self-respect put themselves down for not being perfect. They settle into a pattern of discounting their accomplishments and amplifying their failures, which not only makes them feel bad about themselves, it can also damage their relationships.
A study published by researchers from Portland Psychotherapy found that self-criticism creates greater social disconnection. They measured participants' self-criticism alongside three other variables: The expression of positive emotions; expressive suppression, which is the denial of outward displays of emotion; and self-concealment, which is when someone hides information about themselves that they deem negative or disturbing. The study revealed that high self-criticism is associated with higher expressive suppression, higher self-concealment, and less expression of positive emotions.
When someone is deeply critical of themselves, they often pull away from others. The quality of their relationships suffer, and they grow more socially isolated. In contrast, someone who has self-respect gives themselves grace. They acknowledge that perfection is an impossible standard to reach, and they accept themselves as they are.
3. They focus on their mistakes
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Another subtle trait of people lacking self-respect is strongly related to their self-critical nature: Their inability to forgive themselves for past mistakes.
Psychologist Nick Wignall highlighted the difference between healthy reflection and rumination, which involves replaying mistakes, dwelling on what you did wrong, and berating yourself for not behaving differently. "When you constantly dwell on past mistakes, you constantly feel like a failure, which seriously interferes with your ability to build self-confidence," Wignall explained.
Having low self-confidence directly translates to having no self-respect, because you don't believe that you're worthy of sympathy or kindness. Focusing on your mistakes forms a deeply negative echo chamber in your mind. Only when you accept that making mistakes is part of being human will you find inner peace and self-respect.
4. They let opportunities pass them by
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A person who lacks self-respect doesn't believe they deserve good things, which often means they stay stuck in mediocre situations. Instead of challenging themselves to apply for their dream job or ask for a promotion, they say "no" to any chance of self-improvement, all because they don't think they're good enough.
When someone has zero self-respect, they don't believe in themselves enough to go after what they really want.
5. They cross their own boundaries
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People without self-respect don't set solid boundaries. Their boundaries tend to be fluid, and they have trouble upholding their own limits. They allow others to disrespect their boundaries, which is a sign of disrespecting themselves.
Psychologist Nick Wignall noted that the inability to say "no" is a sign of emotional instability. "One of the many problems with unhealthy boundaries is that you lose respect for yourself," he said. "And when you don't respect yourself, it's hard to maintain emotional resilience in the face of stressors and challenges." Wignall concluded, "Healthy boundaries are a precondition for a healthy sense of self."
6. They don't have self-compassion
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Psychologist Kristin Neff outlined the concept of self-compassion as having three main components: Self-kindness, a common sense of humanity, and mindfulness. Neff noted that self-compassion is connected to emotional intelligence, wisdom, and to a person's desire for health and well-being.
A person with self-compassion respects themselves deeply, even when they face failure or hardship. They know that they're worthy, just by virtue of being human. Yet someone who's lacking in self-respect will also lack self-compassion, because they're unable to see themselves as deserving of love, including self-love.
7. They're scared to advocate for themselves
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Someone without self-respect sends a clear message that other people don't need to respect them, either.
Having no self-respect makes standing up for yourself incredibly difficult, so you tend to sit back and let people control the outcome of your life. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and lack of agency, which only exacerbates a person's lack of self-respect.
8. They lower their standards for relationships
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Relationship expert Lisa Lieberman-Wang revealed that staying in unfulfilling relationships is highly common for people with low self-esteem and no self-respect.
Their lack of self-worth often means they settle for friendships or partnerships that don't actually nourish them, all because they don't think they should have a strong, healthy relationship.
As Lieberman-Wang explained, a person without self-respect or self-confidence believes that they're unworthy of love. "You accept mediocrity — or possibly worse — out of resignation to your perceived undesirability," she concluded.
Part of elevating your standards is knowing what you want out of a relationship and believing that you deserve them.
9. They can't sit with their emotions
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People who lack self-respect struggle to accept their emotions, both the positive and the negative. When they feel good, they worry about their happiness disappearing. When they feel bad, they worry that the feeling will last forever.
Not having self-respect means that they have a hard time holding space for themselves and honoring the fact that being human means having a wide range of emotions. They might try to force their feelings to change by ignoring them or tamping them down, but that only makes them well up even stronger.
It's highly likely that someone without self-respect also lacks self-awareness, which means they're unable to recognize or fully process their emotions. The more a person knows themselves, the more respect they'll have for themselves, because self-reflection and self-respect go hand in hand.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.