5 Things (Nearly) Every Parent Does That Makes Them Look Like A Hypocrite To Their Kids
There's a reason kids struggle to follow the rules their parents set.
Brocreative via Shutterstock As parents, it's easy to overlook how much our words and actions matter. But the reality is that they're always looking at our behavior — even when we have no idea they're watching. Jesse LeBeau, a highly successful motivational speaker for teens, shared insights on why our kids push back on rules while talking with Andrea Miller on the podcast Getting Open.
"How do you treat your significant other?" LeBeau asked. "What do you do when the person gets you off in traffic? How do you handle when things don't go well? Do you have that good attitude? Or, do you go the other way with it?" If those actions don't match what you want from your kids, they will have a much harder time following your rules. This is particularly true about rules with tech use — a battle some adolescent psychologists insist drives a wedge between parents and their teens.
So, how do parents get through to their teens? LeBeau insists it starts with modeling the behavior we want from our kids so we don't look like hypocrites.
Five Ways Parents Make Themselves Look Like Hypocrites To Their Kids
1. We judge what they watch while watching the same things
According to research, violent video games or TV shows can be bad for our kids' development in some ways, so we often ban violent games or criticize them when our kids play them. Meanwhile, we often watch violent TV and movies — sometimes in front of or with our kids. Many parents play (or used to play) violent games that are similar to what their kids like.
"Of course, parent brains are different from kid brains," says Joanna Schroeder, parenting expert and author of the upcoming book Talk To Your Boys (Workman, 2025), "so the rules have to be different. The question is, will you address the difference or leave your kids to wonder why you can do stuff they cannot?"
2. We underestimate our own phone use while criticizing our kids for theirs
When it comes to phone use, many of us have a problem spending countless hours mindlessly scrolling through social media to relax and unwind. And while there's nothing wrong with scrolling, most of us can admit to letting our phone use interfere with the quality of time spent with our kids.
One study even found that "During in-person interactions, participants felt more distracted and reported lower enjoyment if they used their phones than if they did not."
Kleber Cordeiro via Shutterstock
With that being said, it can frustrate your kids when you get onto them about their phone use because they are likely witnesses to your own phone or screen use. So, if we truly want your kids to stop using their phones so much then we need to start by leading by example.
As Miller points out, as parents, we have a lot going on and many "good" reasons to be using screens. And yet, LeBeau is right. The fact is, we are probably using screens more than we realize and
3. We assume that everything on their phones is mindless
When we think of our kids scrolling through social media, what do we think of? "They're on TikTok watching useless memes" or "Look how they're rotting their brains!" However, it's important to not underestimate the power of social media — and the educational resources that come along with it.
According to one survey, "69% of people using TikTok for educational purposes said it had helped them complete their homework." Which as parents, we simply can't ignore. Teens are also learning about other cultures, traditions, healthy relationships, health, and much more on social media.
The problem is, most parents can't or simply don't have time to join their kids to see what they're actually doing on their phones. Another survey showed that 25.5% of parents were too busy to even check their children's homework. And in the same survey, they found that 60% of parents don't even understand it.
So, if your kids are on social media, don't assume the worst. While there are many risks and down-sides to social media, there are also some great aspects. You'll only know which are affecting your kids the most by joining them.
4. We tell them that their online friendships are meaningless
The biggest complaint about our kid's tech use has to do with the friends they make online. And as parents, we tell our kids that the friends they make online don't count as real friends.
However, friends online can be helpful from time to time, especially when they're going through a tough time. Research has found, "Young gamers have reported that the friendships they form online are comparable or better than their real-life friendships."
They continue, "In-game relationships offer social and emotional support, where players are able to discuss sensitive issues and exchange messages of affection." Now, should this be monitored? Absolutely!
After all, we can't be blind to the dangers of the internet. Yet, allowing our kids to form those healthy social bonds can only benefit them in the end. Which at the end of the day, matters most — besides their safety, of course. As with everything in parenting, balance is key.
5. We tell them they don't spend enough time outdoors or with IRL friends while holing up indoors
Finally, since human beings are social creatures, it should come as no surprise that loneliness is a dangerous thing. According to research, "A growing body of longitudinal research indicates that loneliness predicts increased morbidity and mortality."
With that being said, we can't encourage our kids to hang out with their friends without setting an example first. And we can't tell them, "Too often, we tell kids that they aren't going to be able to make in-real-life friends because of their screen time," says Schroeder. "What we don't realize is that the skills they're learning in their online friendships can be very helpful in real life, too."
She continues, "We, ourselves, may not be spending time with our in-real-life friends in favor of various types of screens — whether that's working overtime, watching TV, or scrolling through Facebook." This double standard makes us look like hypocrites, Schroeder asserts.
Which is why it’s important to reevaluate ourselves. Jesse LeBeau adds, "If you can lead by your example, that is the most powerful impact that you can have on their [your kid's] life," ends LeBeau.
What does that mean? Schroeder explains, "Make a point to put your own screens down, find things to do with your kids, model healthy reactions and interactions, and make plans that involve the outdoors as well as time with friends and family."
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.