I Didn't Love My Husband For Years — It's More Common Than You Think
I can see how withdrawn I was when I started to contemplate divorce.
TITOVA ILONA | Canva The end happened slowly.
If I’m being honest, I can see that I hadn’t loved my husband for years before I left.
I never really understood how that happened when other people had a similar story, But I’ve heard many times that one partner fell out of love with the other years before the divorce. It was such a slow erosion that it happened in almost imperceptible increments.
I can clearly remember when I stopped following him on social media. I was annoyed with the content he posted, and I told him I stopped following him because I wanted to stay married. No further discussion was had. I know I went years without kissing him intimately, and he didn’t notice. But I’m not sure when it started.
I can see how withdrawn I was when I started to contemplate divorce, but I don’t know when it got to that point.
We went away for our anniversary about three years before we separated.
We were in one of those restaurants where the tables are jammed together, and you can’t help but hear the conversation at the next table. Two women were chatting, and I felt I had something to add to their conversation.
They asked me a question in return, and I answered honestly; the problem was that my answer made my husband angry, but I had no idea why because I share all the time, online and in person, about my experience with pregnancy loss, which is what the brief exchange was about. I decided I wouldn’t let that interaction between him and me ruin our trip, so I didn’t discuss it further.
About five months later, we were at a BBQ, and someone asked about our trip. I don’t know exactly what he was going to say, but he was trying to embarrass me in front of our friends about the honest answer I gave to those women at dinner.
I was so angry that he would do that to me that I threatened to leave if he continued. It caused a large amount of stress in our relationship and looking back, I realize this shook my confidence a lot.
I had previously felt supported by my husband when I talked about our experience with pregnancy loss, and now I felt shamed for being so open. It broke me a little. Talking about the experience was how I coped with the grief, and now I felt I couldn’t.
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Later, when we were separating, he admitted that he was uncomfortable with my honesty and willingness to be vulnerable with people.
He also said being right was sometimes more important to him to him than listening.
I would say that was the case most of the time when we had disagreements. He would then say, “We don’t always have to agree,” with an implication that I was being too sensitive. It was a subtle bit of gaslighting that I believed and assisted in the cracks widening because things never got resolved.
Sometimes, usually, when I’m driving, a disagreement comes to my mind, and I realize it was one of the cracks that eventually became an insurmountable crater in our marriage. I think when you have loved someone, have kids with them, and hope not to get divorced, you just let things slide. Neither of us was a good steward of the relationship. We shouldn’t have let things slide, but we did, and we got to an irreparable place. Looking back, I can see the cracks but didn’t realize how much damage they were causing at the time.
Eventually, the cracks in my marriage left me completely broken and desperate to feel cared for and loved. I no longer believed my husband could provide that, and I wasn’t willing to go on feeling unlovable.
Bex W. is a writer and emergency room nurse. She shares stories about her life to help others feel less alone and has articles featured on Medium.