The 5 Subtle Pros & Cons Of Dating A Married Man
You know you like him and he likes you, but there's so much more to consider.
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock Let me say first and foremost that having an affair with a married man is a really bad idea. For so many reasons. If you are having one, you probably know this. If you are thinking about having one, read this article carefully!
Years ago, I had an affair with a married man, so the information that I share below has been gathered first-hand. I also know from my clients that they are true of pretty much every woman having an affair with a married man.
Five serious pros and cons of dating a married man
Pro: You won’t have to commit.
For many women, committing to a relationship is not something that they are interested in.
Whether it’s because they have a life they don’t want to change or whether they aren’t willing to make their heart vulnerable, they are happy to have something on the side but don’t want to have to be obligated.
Con: You will be alone more than you want to be.
Of course, if we choose to not commit and to have space that is great. But, if we want to spend time with our person it won’t feel good that they, more often than not, will not be available.
Why? Because your married man has a family and a life. Those things will always come first.
Pro: You will feel love like you have never felt before.
When you are involved with a married man, you will be living inside a bubble, a bubble without extended family or financial worries or kids issues. As a result, your love will only feel wonderful and you will believe that the two of you are soulmates, destined to live happily ever after.
Con: That love will not be enough.
You live in a bubble. The time you share just isn’t a reflection of real life. Therefore, you are in love with a man you don’t really know, a man who exists for you without all the issues of real life.
I know that when I got to start spending time in the real world with my married man, I found out that he was boring and I had to walk away.
SQUARE-Davide Zanin Photography | Shutterstock
Pro: You will be promised the world.
Married men are so thankful that they have someone to love them and be physical with them and listen to their tales of woe that they are willing to do anything to keep their lover. And they truly believe that they are strong enough to follow through and leave their wife and they will live happily ever after.
Con: They will not be able to deliver it.
Married men truly do believe that they will do what they say that they are going to do — leave their wives. But, the reality is, I have never known a man to leave his wife and, if he does, he only does it for a short while and then he goes back home.
The reason that your married man won’t leave his wife is not because he doesn’t love you enough but because leaving his wife means leaving his family, wrecking his finances, and damaging his social life, all things that he has spent years building and things that he doesn’t want to abandon.
Pro: You will believe that you have found your soul mate.
As I said before, many women who have affairs with married men believe that they have found their soulmate. The one person who truly gets them and who gives them the love that they have always sought.
Con: You haven’t
How can the person who is your soulmate hurt you over and over and over? How can they make you promises and not follow through? How can they say that you are the most important thing in the world to them and then not be there when you want or need them?
Pro: You will feel beautiful and attractive and lovable.
Sure, you will feel all of those things when you are dating a married man. Your relationship is fresh and new and that is when women feel most loved.
Furthermore, your married man will admire the independent woman that you are, out in the world, living your life while he is stuck in an unhappy marriage. And, of course, he believes that you are his soul mate and his life raft and he will flood you with platitudes and gifts and moments of pleasure because he wants to keep you happy enough.
Con: You will lose yourself.
I know that when I met my married guy, I was a confident single person in the world. I had just moved to NYC, I was fitter than I had ever been in my life, I was building a business, and had great friends. And then I met him and, for a while things were great. Until they weren’t.
The broken promises, the not being a priority, the time spent alone, and the hopelessness that I felt for the future all brought me to my knees.
I was a shell of the person I was before I met him, a shadow that didn’t go away until I walked away.
There are many more cons that I could share with you but I will leave it there. I am guessing you get the idea.
Again, I am not advocating for having an affair with a married man. As a matter of fact, I wish I could reach through this blog and warn you of the dangers that lie ahead if you go down this road.
But, it’s up to you to make this decision. Think long and hard before you do. You will be happy you did!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.