8 Therapist-Approved Techniques For Conquering Your Fears
Conquering fear has a lot to do with bears.
RapidEye, Leung Cho Pan, Africa images, Kwangmoozaa | Canva, Master1305 | Shutterstock You are walking in the park and stop to smell the lavender when you see a shadow that looks like a bear. Your heart pounds, your chest becomes a block of wood. Suddenly, you have the power to run like never before. Of course, there was never a bear in that park, but your fear tried to protect you anyway.
I have used the analogy of the bear for decades because it is a way to understand our fears and anxieties are not dangerous. When we manage our perception of a threat, we can live relatively anxiety-free. Unless you are being chased by a predator or a weapon is pointed in your direction, it is time to face down fear and manage anxiety.
Eight therapist-approved techniques for conquering your biggest fears
1. Understand the survival source of fear
Humans have survived because we are wired for the fight, flight, and freeze response. This means when we perceive danger in our environment, our response is to attack (fight), run (flight), or hide (freeze), as outlined in a Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews study.
This reflex was beneficial when we faced dangerous animals and warring opponents because it triggered the release of chemicals and hormones to provide strength and endurance. However, the reflex becomes problematic when the brain perceives everyday events, office workloads, children's demands, and weekend tasks as a threat. This perception causes a racing heart and throat tightness, which can strain the body and lead to a state of disease.
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As brilliant as our brain is, it won’t override the survival instinct and introduce logic. So without intervention, we catastrophize, generalize negatively, mind-read, and live in the chaos of constant worry — never feeling safe enough.
2. Learn to identify and tame your bears
A 2010 study on dissociation following traumatic stress supports that even though we don’t face life-threatening situations daily, the mind can escalate an ordinary conversation with your boss into a threat and your child’s mistakes into a compromise of his future. So treating anxiety is about uncovering the mind’s tendency to catastrophize everyday events and reminding yourself that this is not such a big deal. Faced with my own anxiety, I keep a few phrases handy,
- Others have faced this, and worse, I can do it.
- This is hard, but I can ask for help.
- I can let go of this too.
- I am doing my best, and that is enough.
- Everything works out in the end.
When you repeat these messages often enough, your mind cooperates and retrieves them the next time you face a stressful incident. It helps if you believe these messages.
Bears are not as aggressive as their appearance suggests, but to the average person, they may be the scariest threat. The first way to tame the bear, therefore, is to remind yourself they are not real and “no big deal.”
3. Remember the bears of your past
We need to believe we are more powerful than the threats (bears) in our lives, and the best way is to rehearse our past successes. So go ahead and remind yourself of when you asked for a raise and got it, said goodbye to an unhealthy friendship and was better off for it, or changed the course of a relationship that was going poorly.
Select those areas of your life you have struggled in and list your successes. This is one of the best ways I know to build realistic and balanced self-esteem.
4. Develop a can-do mindset to deal with obstacles
A few years ago, I overheard my 12-year-old granddaughter in conversation with cousins who were taking turns outshining each other. Her reply to their swagger was, “I am not a strong swimmer, I can't skate well, but I am very smart in school.”
The boys were silenced by her simple truth. Focusing on our strengths and maintaining a positive self-view defies social comparison and creates a mindset to stand up to bears. Viewing the world with a can-do attitude means believing in ourselves, and that we have what it takes to deal with obstacles. Keep these powerful self-statements top of your mind while keeping it real.
- I am good enough.
- I love and accept myself.
- I appreciate my skills and abilities.
- I am capable of achieving what I want.
- I can deal with whatever situations I face.
It is not enough to say these. We must act and live as if they are true, and when we make a mistake, we must own that, too. The next step is to take responsibility for our actions, decisions, and misunderstandings.
5. Discover the power of a responsible path
There is real power in saying, "Yes, I did it." Avoiding weak excuses and explanations helps you overcome your fear of failure, loss, and weakness. Responsibility brings self-respect to catapult you into a zone of competence to overwhelm your bears and send a strong message to your brain, as reflected in a 2003 study on self-respect.
- I am responsible for everything I do, including my thoughts, words, actions, and outcomes.
- Others are responsible for their thoughts, words, actions, and results.
- Even when I don't look good, I keep myself accountable.
- I am responsible for nurturing and supporting those around me.
6. Identify your symptoms early on
Fortunately, most of us will not experience the entire list of symptoms, but anxiety can include heart palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, shaking, nausea, dizziness, and difficulty concentrating. These symptoms and others are described in a 2011 review.
However, being aware of the symptoms in the early stages and grounding yourself by doing something safe, while taking slow, deep breaths will help you cope until you have addressed the underlying causes.
You can and should address the sources of your anxiety because, if left uncontrolled, it will escalate, affect other areas of your life, and jeopardize your growth and well-being.
7. Go beyond bear basics
After you've brought your anxieties under control, cultivate respectful and nurturing relationships that promote a healthy, manageable lifestyle. The keys are self-talk that affirms your worth, good conversations that ask for what you need, and the boundaries that insist on it. When your key relationships work well, you are not overburdened or overwhelmed. Remind yourself:
- I am worthy of self-care.
- It's OK to say no.
- I am resilient.
- I don’t need everyone to like me
8. Live with stability
With your bears tamed, and far into the distance, keep it so. The decisions you make at this stage are proactive, purpose-driven, and growth-oriented. You seek opportunities to build better relationships, learn new skills, and improve existing capabilities. You say,
- I survive and thrive.
- I trust myself to make good choices.
- I am strong and empowered.
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My hope is for every person who feels overwhelmed or experiences any level of anxiety to accept their condition is treatable. The perception of a bear in the park is nothing more than an overly engaged survival instinct. When we talk back to our fears, it frees us to deal with life’s problems, make good decisions, and create a more powerful future.
Where anxiety once helped us survive in the wild, it will not help us navigate a happy, long-lasting life with the ingredients that make it meaningful.
Reta Walker is a relationship therapist with over 25 years of experience, specializing in helping couples get back on track.