3 Words Couples In Healthy Relationships Use To Regulate Their Emotions, According To Therapist
We are more than our feelings.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Shai is sitting in his chair in our clinic. “I can’t do this anymore… I’m done with this marriage … I’m hopeless.”
It’s been three months since his wife, Molly, found out about his affair. They decided to go to couples therapy and give it a chance. We are about two months into the treatment. They are at one of the lowest parts of the rough process of relational healing and trust building.
“She keeps asking me more questions about the affair… We’ve been through it so many times… I’m in deep despair. I want to quit. I can't do this anymore.”
Molly is listening and quietly closing up. He kneels forward. His whole body collapsed further into the chair. He is out. I asked him if he wanted me to help him.
He says, "I’m not sure… Ok. What?
I get up, walk over to my whiteboard, and write the three words healthy couples use to regulate their emotions: “Part of me…”
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I say to Shai: “Part of me is hopeless. There’s a part of me that wants to quit.”
I asked him to repeat that sentence several times. He slowly starts saying that sentence again and again. The energy in the room begins to change... Many partners fall into what is called the fool’s choice: Tell your truth or be in a relationship. Choose.
Some of us are controlled by our emotions. We let them lead us and subsequently act them out. In Shai’s case, feelings of despair were leading to his marital behavior.
But the truth is that we are more than our feelings. We have a psyche, mind, body, cognition, and more. Feelings are like waves: they have a natural rise, and if we ride the wave, they will naturally subside.
Yet we often get so scared or activated or attached to the feeling that we refuse to let the wave wash through us. Instead, we try to control it or let it drive our emotions. Shai was overtaken by the emotion and couldn’t see beyond it.
Multiplicity
According to research, relational psychotherapy sees a person as composed of several different self-states. These are different states that include thought, feelings, and behavior (like the playful, angry, mature, childish, horny, and vengeful parts). There are a few different selves in each of us that come out in different situations.
Emotional health is the ability to have access, choice, and control over several self-states. Some self-states get dissociated and cut off due to trauma. Other self-states take over the person and lead their behavior.
In that session, Shai’s despairing self-state took over and colored his view of his life and his marriage. But that is only one self-state. He has many more self-states he can draw upon. A fast way to regulate yourself is to access more self-states. Re-engaging with more self-states reminds you that you are more than that specific feeling (self-state) you're experiencing now.
“Part of me…” (POM)
According to research, here’s a simple and effective way to start re-engaging with more self-states while observing and regulating your emotions: “Part of me…” (POM)
When you say, “Part of me … is feeling despair,” several things begin to happen:
- POM validates and respects your true feelings in the moment. You don’t have to hide, lie, or fuzzy up your emotional truth.
- POM makes it easier for our partner to be empathetic. Being consumed by one state usually leads our partner to be more defensive. By reflecting on different self-states, they can also reflect on their ambivalence.
- POM honors and maintains our multiplicity. This serves to strengthen our self-respect and integrity in tense moments.
- POM gives us more agency and choice. The more I can hold on to and enjoy my multiplicity, the more agency and choice I have among and over my emotions, psyche, and, subsequently, my behavior and relational moves.
- POM deepens the relationship by inviting a more nuanced and varied emotional and relational repertoire where all the different aspects of your relationship can be fully expressed.
How to use 'Part of me' in your relationship
Just as with learning a new language, it will take some time and practice before POM will feel and sound natural. Here are some initial tips:
- Share this article with your partner so they will understand why POM can aid your relationship.
- Talk to yourself. Start by saying POM to yourself or in front of a mirror. See how it feels and what other feelings are there as well. You can follow up POM, with the sentence “And there is another part of me that is feeling…” and see what comes up.
- Start small. Use POM in less loaded or dramatic situations, such as minor frustrations, irritations, or misunderstandings.
- When your partner uses POM, thank them for aiming for their multiplicity. Ask them about their part in a nondefensive way, and perhaps follow up by asking about other parts they may be feeling.
Used sensitively and respectfully, POM will open new dimensions and vistas in yourself and your relationship. If Shai can do it, so can you.
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker, licensed Couple & Family Therapist, and an international trainer. He is the founder and co-director of The Potential State For Enriching Relationships.