Clinical Psychologist Advises Men To Look At Every Interaction With Their Wife As 'A Chance To Connect'
Husbands: In every interaction, you are working on both the relationship with your wife and the task at hand.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva There is a common way that men view the world that works against them in their marriages (and often in the workplace as well). It is that there is a time to focus on the task at hand and a time to focus on building an interpersonal relationship. This is wrong and is leaving (metaphorical) money on the table.
Husbands: Every single task that you execute with your wife is an opportunity for both task completion and relationship building.
When you recognize this, all of your relationships, including with your spouse, kids, coworkers, and anyone else, will dramatically improve.
Here is an example: Your wife wants to do yard work. You do yard work and halfway through she has a problem about something and creates a fight out of nowhere. Why does this happen?
Sometimes it is her issue but certainly not as often as you think. She was likely hoping that yard work would be an opportunity to connect. Yes, to connect while doing yard work.
This is not as silly as it sounds. At work, you would not doubt that a meeting is not only an opportunity to (ostensibly) figure out an issue, but also to present yourself well to your boss and to interact in a friendly way with colleagues. So why do so many men fail to use this same logic at home?
At home, men usually feel that they have a lot of stuff to do and limited time after work to do it.
Men are very task-oriented and often want to “get through” their tasks to have time to fully relax. They figure that when their tasks are completed, they will then have time for a date night with their wives at some later point, or that their wives are likelier to want to be intimate (usually the men’s preferred way to connect).
Instead, the wife feels disconnected because she and her husband did tasks in parallel, without any real engagement.
You can joke around, talk about things on your mind, ask about her life, compliment her, flirt with her, and do anything else you used to do when doing household tasks at the beginning of your relationship.
Even if you are doing something in a different part of the house or outside, you can come in with a smile during your break and connect with her, versus going into “task execution robot” mode and coming in without a smile for a glass of water and to click through your phone.
Can you imagine going skiing with your male friends and refusing to talk or joke around or grab a beer until you had skied alone, unsmiling, for three hours? Can you imagine viewing a plane trip with your boss seated next to you as purely a time to catch up on sleep or listen to a podcast and not being aware that this was a prime opportunity to connect with and impress him?
These examples seem ridiculous, but so is the idea that cleaning the house should be a Bataan death march where you and your wife are stone-faced and silent versus a time to catch up, chat, reconnect, kiss, and whatever else.
Some men struggle with this concept in the workplace or with their kids.
They do not see every meeting or Slack channel as a way to double dip: to get work done as well as get interpersonal work done.
The most successful people, like CEOs, know that every interaction at work accomplishes both moving a project forward AND moving a relationship forward. If you have to pick one or the other, the most successful managers pick moving the relationship forward, because then your employee likes you and is likelier to work hard for you.
Other men struggle with this with their kids, too.
They view all interactions with their children as potential “teachable moments,” and their kids feel stressed when around them. The kids feel they are always being taught and evaluated versus just having a good time with their dad.
If you are a man who struggles with this, think back to your childhood. The only time you could get alone time with your dad likely was when you were being taught to execute a task. Then, as you got older, it is likely that you were expected to execute the trained task on your own (e.g., mowing the lawn) and had very little one-on-one fun time with your dad.
Think deeply about how much you would have enjoyed no-pressure, no-instruction time with your father, and try to implement this new idea with your kids.
Research studies found an even spread of positive vs. negative outcomes on how the same paternal behavior can have vastly different associations with child outcomes, both within the same play type and across play types.
Many guys try to connect with their wives when they are at home, but the connection tanks when they're at work.
Here “working to support the family” is the “task.” These men say they are “too busy” to return a text that would make their wives feel loved, and then are surprised and offended when their wives are angry and cold upon their return home.
Let me tell you, unless you are a surgeon or a pilot or in active combat, you can look at your phone for a second during the general course of work and send a text message. Even surgeons or pilots get a break during which they can do this. This is a five-second way to tell your wife you love her, and you will reap dividends from this practice.
To recap: all household projects and tasks double as times during which you can show that you are committed and connected to your wife.
If you think this sounds onerous and unlikely to “work” (e.g., your wife will be no happier), let’s think about it like this: Can you imagine if your wife viewed intimacy not just as a conjugal chore or something she did for YOU, but as a way to make you feel truly connected and happy? Wouldn’t this be transformative for how you view her and your marriage?
Well, it is the same for her if you view chores as a connection-building experience. According to research from John Gottman, positive interactions of stable couples to maintain positivity and closeness include being interested in what your partner has to say, consistently expressing affection, and demonstrating that they matter.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.