Bridesmaid Wonders How To Stop Being Mad At Her Friend After Spending $1200 To Be In Her Wedding
"I feel bad that I'm so grouchy about this."
Kayla Renee | Pexels Wedding costs can add up quickly, especially if you’re in the wedding party. There’s the cost of the dress, the hair, the make-up, and every celebratory event leading up to the big day itself.
Money can be a sensitive topic, especially when it comes to talking about finances with friends, and adding a wedding into the mix can make that conversation even more complex.
A bridesmaid can't help but be angry with her friend after spending $1200 to be in her wedding.
The woman wrote to Alexandra "Hayes" Robinson, a writer and content creator who answers advice letters on TikTok, asking, “How do I stop being mad at my maid-of-honor for how expensive her wedding is getting?”
She explained that she’s a bridesmaid in her maid-of-honor’s wedding, and she’s spending almost $1,200 on the costs associated with it, from the dress to the bachelorette party to the check she plans to write as a gift.
“Her family is doing their best to cover some costs, like, I know she booked hair and make-up for the bridesmaids, but she keeps saying that she’s trying to get deals with other vendors for food and photos,” the woman said. “I feel bad that I’m so grouchy about this, but why are costs being cut everywhere except where I’m expected to spend?”
The bridesmaid asked how to support her friend “without feeling like I’m spending an insane amount of money on the wedding.”
While it's an honor to be part of a couple's wedding party, it can often come with financial obligations.
Hayes validated her feelings about how expensive weddings have become.
The Pham | Pexels
“I think a lot of people can relate to this frustration,” Hayes said. “I think the ultimate solution involves hosts and guests doing things differently.
Traditionally, bridesmaids are expected to pay for some costs themselves, like dresses, travel to the wedding, and accommodations, which, of course, depend on where the wedding is held.
The bride usually covers the cost of the bridesmaid’s bouquets, but she doesn’t always pay for their hair and makeup.
According to The Knot, the average cost of a bridal shower gift is between $50 and $75. The average cost of a bachelorette party is $1,300.
On average, a bridesmaid dress costs $130, hair and makeup an average of $120, and a wedding gift is an average of $170.
Needless to say, the expenses add up. It’s no wonder so many wedding guests feel like it’s gotten out of hand.
Hayes called for more thoughtfulness and transparency from the bride and groom’s side, calling on them to think about what they’re asking of their guests and the people in their wedding party.
Couples should be direct about how much their wedding will cost, and guests should be transparent about how much they can spend.
Hayes noted that setting financial boundaries might mean missing out on certain events, like skipping a bachelorette party.
If the financial impact is too difficult or spending the money would negatively affect your friendship, it’s okay to say no.
For this particular bridesmaid, Hayes came up with three actionable steps she could take to ease the financial burden of her friend’s wedding.
“If you can’t swing the cost of this wedding or you just won’t on principle, I think you can tell her you can’t make the bachelorette,” Hayes said.
Kenilev Terku | Pexels
She advised setting up the conversation in a way that expresses gratitude for being involved while saying that she’d rather allocate her funds toward the bridesmaid dress for the actual wedding.
Hayes’ sample script ended with the bridesmaid saying, “Love you, and I want you to have the best time,” then inviting the bride to get a manicure together before the bachelorette or getting together to celebrate locally.
Hayes acknowledged that there might be repercussions for not going to the bachelorette party, which could affect their friendship.
“If the bachelorette has not been planned yet, you could have a conversation with the bride or the maid-of-honor in advance about your financial situation and what you’re going to be able to spend,” she said.
Hayes also touched on the topic of wedding cost comparison, saying, “I imagine there are some tricky dynamics coming into play, especially if you’re planning weddings around the same time.”
“You might have different budgets,” she said. “Maybe you’re doing a bit of the comparison thing, which is totally normal and natural to do at your wedding.”
“Ultimately, if you’re gonna go, you’re gonna spend the money. I think you’ll feel better if you start to replace the negative thoughts about your friend in this situation with positive ones,” she said.
“We can’t positive self-talk our way out of everything, but I think this type of situation, if you’re gonna do nothing about it, and you’re gonna go and you’re gonna spend the money, instead of saying, ‘I’m so [expletive] I’m spending this money on her, how could she be so selfish,’ it’s, ‘I’m glad that I’m fortunate enough to spend this money on somebody that I love.’
Financial expert Kristin Wong, author of "Get Money," told Investopedia, “It can be really hard not to internalize our money challenges and see them as personal shortcomings. Talking about those issues openly with a friend can make you feel a little less alone. Most of us have been there, and there’s a good chance your friends have, too.”
Having conversations about financial limitations isn’t easy, especially when those concerns center around a close friend’s big day. Hopefully, both women are able to hear each other’s side and give each other — and themselves — grace to do what’s right for them.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.