If You Want To Find A Measure Of Peace In This World, You Must Do This
Renowned therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt offer insightful guidance for all of us struggling in this deeply polarized world.
GAGO IMAGES / Shutterstock “How” we talk, more than “what” we say, creates communication issues that can cause breakdowns in relationships that detract from the quality of our lives and our work.
This is a prime example of vertical talking, which we call monologue, and the calming effect of a lateral way of talking, which we call dialogue.
When we are willing to talk through differences and the tensions they have caused in a way that connects rather than polarizes, the relationship can be repaired, and the connection restored.
Seeing, listening, and valuing will do it every time.
If you are feeling disconnected from people in your personal or professional relationships, you may want to experiment with this process, which we will elaborate on later.
One major cause of fractured relationships and social disconnection is polarization, due to an objection to difference — opinion, race, gender, religion, politics. You name it.
But here is the reality that we all face: difference is the primary feature of everything in nature. The universe is defined by difference. From the smallest particle to the largest galaxy, nothing in nature is the “same.” Every “thing” is unique.
If you want to find a measure of peace and be helpful in this world, you must learn to become curious and respectful of differences.
If you want to be a constructive member of society, you must come to terms with that reality and find a way to deal with it.
Here is a little comfort for the journey to the discovery and acceptance of “otherness”: it is not all your fault, and we are all in this together.
The key to transcending resistance to differences is to understand three things:
1. How your brain works.
Although your brain is like other human brains in how it is organized and how it works, it is unique in what it knows and what it thinks about.
2. The uniqueness of each human brain is a result of our personal histories, starting in childhood.
We each learn to “see” things a certain way. That holds true for everyone. Other people cannot naturally see things through our eyes because their personal histories have shaped how they see things.
So we all have this problem. We are locked inside our brains with our personal views of the world, which we think everyone shares, and if they do not, we think they should.
3. You can change your brain by being more curious about others.
Curiosity can be considered the royal road to self transcendence and experiencing connecting with others. By opening your mind to learn how others see the world and why, and by accepting another perspective, you gain access to diverse viewpoints that will expand your own perspective on reality and improve your relationship with others.
Your brain will change in a positive way, but not without curiosity.
We call this differentiation, which is the ability to see, hear, and value the perspectives of others, even those with whom you may not agree.
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Furthermore, it means to accept that others are challenged, as you are, by this process when you share your perspective with them.
The goal is to create a new state of consciousness and awareness by accepting the fact that we are not alike and, apparently, are not meant to be.
How boring would that be anyway? We are all unique, with our own opinions, viewpoints, perceptions, dreams, and desires. Instead of expecting, and even demanding that your family, friends, coworkers, and social acquaintances all feel and think the same way as you do, you will find it much easier and more fulfilling to treat them respectfully and to try to understand them instead of “fix” them.
That will save you a lot of effort and make life more interesting.
Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, author of the influential book I and Thou, said that most of us have “I – It” relationships in which we tend to see other people in transactional terms, like tools to be used for our own purposes.
By approaching relationships as transformational rather than transactional, we can move into the “I – Thou” mode in which we feel mutual respect and want to invest in one another’s success and happiness through collaboration and cooperation.
We invite you to adopt an open-minded curiosity about those who may differ from you.
When you are open to learning about other viewpoints, you are more likely to find common — but not the same — ground, or you can agree to disagree in a way that allows you to still have conversations and healthy relationships despite your differences. And you can keep your own point of view. You just have to allow others to do the same.
In doing this, you will be able to shift from an I – It to an I – Thou relationship, which is more productive and fulfilling.
This is your path to improving interactions and building better relationships in your personal, professional, and community life. Honoring difference and diversity will open the door to greater opportunities and a happier life.
From the book How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Copyright © 2024 by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. and reprinted with the permission of the publisher.
Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., is a couples therapist with over 40 years of experience as a counselor, educator, clinical trainer, author, and public lecturer and has received many awards for his work with couples. He and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-created Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2,200 certified therapists in 30 countries.