4 Devastating Intimacy Secrets Husbands Keep From Wives

Hidden shame, hidden guilt, hidden behaviors, hidden desire. All these secrets could be seen as lies that erode the foundation of love you have worked hard to establish.

Here are 4 devastating intimacy secrets husbands keep from wives:

1. Any secret he keeps is an intimate secret

Intimacy between romantic partners is one of the most precious gifts of the relationship. Courageous Intimacy is what brings continued growth and evolution to the partnership. It keeps it alive, exciting, and flourishing. Hiding anything, especially those things that are tender and deserve attention, or embarrassing and shameful becomes the poison that disintegrates the partnership. 

If we make it OK to hide one thing, it becomes OK to hide all things. The rationalization for such actions is what we call a Rational Lie. As challenging as the truth might be to reveal, according to a 2021 study telling the truth becomes one of the greatest foundations of all lasting relationships. This answer is the same for husbands and wives.

— Larry Michel, AKA The Love Shepherd, Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics

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2. He hides solo gratification

Whether it's fantasizing, going to clubs, self-pleasure (or all the above), most men often do it in secret. They fear their wives will disapprove, get mad, or even reject them, for enjoying intimate behaviors outside of their relationship. Research conducted in 2022 shows some wives consider these behaviors as cheating on them with another person.

— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist

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Prostock-studio via Shutterstock

3. He hides his feelings and emotions

Husbands keep their emotional vulnerability secret from their wives as well as others, particularly regarding the meaning of intimacy to them, according to a 2022 study of men and communication.

Research in 2023 shows one in four people have grown up in families with psychological or emotional neglect and abuse, leading to feelings of low self-esteem and longing for acceptance and love. Since men are socialized, even now, to be strong and resilient, these painful feelings are kept out of consciousness. 

But the feelings of neediness and longing are sexualized. So it is widespread for men to experience wives' lack of enthusiasm for frequent physical intimacy with them as a deep rejection of their entire being, as a message they are not lovable as people.

— Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D., Psychologist, Author

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4. He can't read her mind

This secret is important if you want to keep your love life interesting and fun for both of you. You see, men are terrible at picking up on the signs that there's something wrong or even picking up on the signs of how you're feeling. 

So, rather than hope your man understands what you want, need or how you're feeling, it's far more effective to be direct about it. "Praise what you want to see more of" works well with men. So, if there is a position or technique you love or something he does when kissing you that you like, don't be afraid to explicitly say so with praise: "I love it when you do that" or "That is so hot!"

— Sean Jameson, Educator, Writer

Clear and open communication is the way to keep secrets from slipping into your marriage's intimacy. If marriage is love, and love is truth, then truth should be in every communication you have with the person you love.

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Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.