Therapists Reveal 5 Most Painful Truths To Realize About Your Family
Blood might not be thicker than water.
CarlosBarquero | Shuttertstock, Jacob Lund, mimagephotography | Canva We all probably have difficult-to-deal-with family members who either use or are excused by the quote, "Blood is thicker than water," which implies that because they are family, you have to accept them unconditionally along with the harm they toss your way. Yet, the complete quote was, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." This meant those you fight beside (your chosen family) are closer to you than a family member. The edited version of the quote is a reversal of the original meaning. Wow!
Here are the 5 most painful truths to realize about your family:
1. Familial bonds don't excuse boundary violations
A hard truth to realize about your family is that blood ties do not grant unconditional permission to cross personal boundaries. Family members might believe they can overstep limits, assuming the bond will excuse their behavior and that you will tolerate more. However, when honesty, respect, and integrity are compromised, even the strongest family connections can fracture. It is essential to recognize that healthy relationships, including those within a family, depend on mutual respect and understanding. Without these core values, no familial bond can endure.
— Clare Waismann, Addiction Specialist and Counselor
2. Your family lives in denial
I eventually came to terms with the fact that most of my family hated me because of my stories. I couldn’t let their feelings stop me or beat me down. I was using my voice for good, not for evil.
I chose to dig the skeletons out of the closet and help people deal with, and heal from, their own. If my family chose to keep their skeletons hidden, that was on them, not me, and I had to understand that not everyone wants to heal.
I had to come to terms with the fact that some people prefer to brush things under the rug and pretend nothing ever happened. To live in denial. With pain and anger. I couldn’t do that.
— Iva Ursano, author, self-help/personal development blogger
3. Growing up didn't have to be so difficult
We all want to believe that our parents "did their best" in raising us but some of us realize their best wasn't good enough to produce a healthy adult. As an adult, you see all their flaws and failures and come to understand you would have been a much happier person if they had shown you more love and compassion. This is why, as adults, they vow to raise their children differently from the way they were raised.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
Bert Flint via Shutterstock
4. Your parents are just big kids
There’s an old cliché about kids growing up, sharing a drink with their parents, and finally connecting with them as equals. And, you know, sometimes that does happen, and it’s nice. But what they don’t tell you is what happens after that.
What happens is — you get steadily more mature and your parents get less. For whatever reason, grown-ups tend to go through a second wave of infantilization as they age, so, while you’re getting married and buying a house, be prepared to help your parents through temper tantrums, mood swings, and bouts of identity crisis. It can be hard, but remember, you get to do the same thing to your kids when you get old.
— Tom Burns, Author
5. Family is insufficient
It can be incredibly painful to recognize that our family members are not capable of helping us navigate our emotions or tender states. While they may want us to feel cared for in our pain, it is often the case they do not have the skills or maturity to actually offer us the relational experience we need to feel seen, understood, and supported.
— Eli Harwood, Counselor/Therapist
They say, "Blood is thicker than water." But then again, "they" say a lot of things that are either untrue, illogical, or harmful. Family is no exception. It's odd how culture adapts and changes things and some cultural adaptions are not so good. This is true in the case of quotations. We tend to pick and choose then cut and paste whatever feeds our implicit biases.
Family can be harsh, and the truths behind them can be even harsher. Once we realize families struggle as units and individuals, we can see their humanity, lead with compassion, and choose our water of the womb family as we would our covenants of blood.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.