Therapist Says That Parents Who Allowed Their Adult Children To Become Estranged Actually Abandoned Their Kids First
Deciding to go no contact is often a self-protective measure.
wavebreakmedia / Shutterstock People who were raised by emotionally abusive parents are often faced with heart-wrenching decisions once they reach adulthood. Do they continue to put their livelihood at risk by staying in touch with their parents or do they protect themselves and cut their parents out?
For the parents of estranged children, however, one therapist argued that their difficult truth involves holding up a mirror to recognize how their behavior caused the fractured relationship.
A therapist said that parents with no-contact relationships with their adult children abandoned their kids first.
Josh Frank, a trauma-informed therapist and mental health educator, shared his take on this complex topic, saying, “A parent who allowed their adult child to be estranged has abandoned them.”
An adult child who initiates estrangement has agency over their choice. Yet it’s important to acknowledge that going no contact with a parent might not feel like a choice at all, but rather, a self-protective measure or last resort.
Frank explained his position further, saying, “Although the adult child was ultimately the one to walk away, their parent was never willing to change or take necessary accountability to keep them around.”
There are aspects of being estranged from abusive parents that are widely accepted, like “verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, scapegoating, and shaming.” Yet, Frank focused on a different talking point: “A deep abandonment on the part of the parent.”
He noted that most adult children who go no contact with a parent make multiple attempts to communicate the ways in which they feel hurt, yet the parent is usually unwilling or unable to take responsibility for the harm they’ve inflicted.
From the therapist’s perspective, a parent who refuses to witness their child’s pain or try to understand their experience has abandoned them.
Mending a broken relationship can only happen when the people involved can admit that they’ve done wrong. If parents can’t hold space for how their child feels, they shouldn’t expect their child to cultivate a relationship with them.
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By denying that they played a part in hurting their child, these parents pave the way for a deep schism to occur.
Cutting off contact with a parent isn’t a decision that anyone makes on a whim. More often than not, estranged adult children aimed for repair or some form of conflict resolution before cutting their parents out of their lives.
“These parents are so wounded and emotionally immature that they’d be willing to abandon their child and let them walk away before taking even a shred of responsibility,” he stated.
A parent with an estranged adult child might turn around and place blame back on them for leaving them behind, yet the reality isn’t quite so black and white.
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According to Frank, a parent who pushes back when their child shares the trauma they’ve experienced is the one actively abandoning the relationship.
As Psychology Today noted, pushing for reconciliation is not the answer either and can further drive the estranged child away. Taking ownership of the trauma and giving adult children the freedom to heal and build trust on their own terms is the only way toward reconciliation, but that is never a certainty either.
The way our parents treat us has a direct effect on how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how our sense of self-worth develops.
Choosing estrangement can be seen as an adult child’s attempt to give themselves the care, space, and protection they need to feel safe, something their parents couldn’t provide for them. In that way, it’s a step toward healing, which is the opposite of abandonment.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.