The 2 Biggest Risks That Come With Letting Your Sex Life Die, According To A Sex Therapist
Plus, four ways to avoid the biggest problems that come with a sex drought.
nd3000 | Canva Have you ever thought, "I don't care if I ever have sex again" or “That part of my life is over”? If so, you are not alone. Somewhere between 30% and 55% of women in long-term relationships say they've lost their desire. Women aren’t the only ones with flagging sex drives. Anywhere from 1% to 28% of men say they are no longer interested in sex.
When one partner loses desire, the result is often a low or no-sex relationship. While some couples mutually agree to give up sex and are happy with the decision, when one partner is driving this decision, relationship hazards abound, including creating a drought of positive touch, including non-sexual touch.
On a bigger scale, a major consequence for at least one partner is sexual dissatisfaction — and sexual dissatisfaction comes with two massive relational risks.
The two biggest risks of letting your sex life die in a relationship
1. Relationship dissatisfaction
Research tells us that sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are related. Couples who are less happy have less sex. But importantly, this goes the other way as well. Couples who are unhappy with their sex life are less happy with their relationship. Thus, giving up sex can lead to overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.
As a sex therapist, I believe this is because by giving up sex, couples are giving up the essence of what defines their relationship. Sex is the activity that monogamous partners have agreed to do with only one another. So, to cease having sex means letting go of an important, unique aspect of a couple’s relationship that sets it apart from all others.
2. Increased likelihood of splitting up
Some of the hazards faced by couples experiencing a sex drought include feeling resentful and disconnected. Additionally, the situation often results in strained communication about the topic of sex which then spills over into other areas of life. Low and no-sex couples also often stop touching one another affectionately, creating a drought of positive touch that reaches even deeper into relationship satisfaction.
As a result, studies that have followed couples over time have found that those who are sexually dissatisfied are less likely to stay together.
Four things to do before giving up on sex
1. Have a heart-to-heart to discover causes
Schedule a time to talk when you have ample time to both listen to the other’s point of view and to express yours. Open your hearts and treat each other with gentleness and care. Discuss why you have given up sex. Are you angry about something else? Is one of you stressed out? Is one of you having a sexual problem (e.g., pain with penetration, erectile dysfunction) that is causing you to pull back from sexual encounters? Seek a solution for the root cause.
2. Decide your ideal frequency and have sex
If the main reason you’ve given up sex is that you never feel aroused anymore, know that needing to be aroused to engage sexually is a myth. Instead, decide your ideal frequency and plan sexual encounters (I like to call these “trysts”).
During trysts, make sure you are receiving pleasurable consensual touch, taking the time to build arousal, and allowing yourself to fully immerse in the sensations. If the sex is good once it gets going, even if you weren’t aroused at the start, congratulations! You’ve just engaged in a scientifically supported sex therapy technique!
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3. Read self-help books written by experts
There are fantastic self-help books to help you with the root cause of why you’ve given up sex (e.g., anxiety) or with your deteriorated sex life. An inclusive book for all types of couples is Desire by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer Vencill. For couples in which the woman has lost desire, Reclaiming Your Sexual Self by Kathryn Hall and my book, A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, have published studies showing that readers improve their sex life.
4. Seek sex therapy
If you feel you can’t even approach the conversation with your partner, you do and it doesn’t go well, or you simply think this has gone too far to remedy it on your own, seek sex therapy. A trained therapist can help you re-awaken your sex life and heal the pain caused by letting your passion die.
Dr. Laurie Mintz is an author, therapist, professor, and speaker whose life’s work is helping people live more authentic, meaningful, joyful, and satisfying lives through the art and science of psychology. She is the author of two popular books, both written to empower women. Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship