3 Reassuring Things Therapists Wish They Could Tell You About Dating
Even with everything therapists hear in their offices, there is hope.
KIRAYONAK YULIYA via Shutterstock Dating isn't what it used to be — and most of the time, that's a very good thing! There are fewer rules, less societal pressure to get married before you're ready, and, best of all, more equality for women. But dating is harder in many ways, too. Fortunately, therapists have seen it all and have some insights to share.
While we don't know what all therapists think (and advice varies for different people and varying situations), licensed therapist Jeff Guenther shares three controversial opinions regarding modern dating, based on what he sees in his practice and personal life. Hopefully some will apply to you!
Three things therapists wish you knew about dating
1. Dating is a numbers game
You should never lead people on or play with their emotions, but there is nothing wrong with going on plenty of dates. "I get that you need to choose wisely and not make it a free-for-all all, but I think you should go on as many dates as mentally and emotionally as possible," says Guenther.
You need to put yourself out there and make new connections. But, why is this? Shouldn't you just date one person at a time? Isn't that the 'kind thing' to do? The short answer is, no.
Research on the friends-to-lovers pathway to romance out of the University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada supports that the truth is dating one person at a time doesn't serve you. According to these researchers' report, it won't help you figure out what it is you truly desire in a partner.
Guenther agrees, explaining, "The more dates you go on the clearer you'll be on who you like and the more chances you'll have for people to fall for you."
Never feel guilty about putting yourself out there, and don't feel bad about going on multiple dates. As long as you're honest with them, this shouldn't be a problem for most people because chances are, they're probably doing the same.
2. Stop using those dating apps
You need to get off Bumble or Tinder if you want to start dating seriously. Guenther explains, "They are bad for your brains." I get it, it's easier to meet people on these apps than in real life, it takes less effort and as humans, we love convenience.
"But have you considered approaching people IRL with a cute little pickup line? Oh my god, you'd be so '90s, which is very on-trend," says Guenther. What if you get rejected? It's called character building and it makes for a much better story than getting completely ghosted on Tinder, as suggested by research on rejection sensitivity and self-esteem, published in theJournal of Personality and Social Psychology.
3. Dating is the best thing ever
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The most controversial take is how fun dating can be. Unfortunately, most of us have heard too many horror stories about dating. We've seen awkward conversations and heard those inappropriate questions being asked.
So, yes, understandably this is a piping hot take. However, as he asserts, "The awkwardness, the tension, the uncertainty, the endless possibility?" That is what makes dating magical.
He continues to say the problem with dating stems from how we go about dating, which is all wrong! Guenther explains, "There's a better way to date. A way that's actually fun because you don't waste time spiraling over stuff that doesn't matter."
Better dating begins with letting go of the small things and focusing on those dates who fill you with joy. By breaking bad dating habits, you can fully put yourself out there and enjoy the dating world and not let the past get in your way.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.