How To Build A Rock-Solid Relationship From The Very Beginning, According To A Therapist
The first four steps in creating a love that can truly last.
mihailomilovanovic | Canva We all have stars in our eyes when we meet someone new — especially if it's been a few dates and you've had long, thoughtful conversations and it turns out they really are what you'd hoped they were. Even if you don't say it out loud, you start to wonder if this could be "the one", or at least someone with whom you could build a long-lasting relationship.
Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther is here to help! In a recent social media post, Guenther shares four things we need to do at the beginning of a great relationship to help it last and grow in a meaningful and sustainable way.
Four ways to help your new relationship last forever
1. Create a strong foundation by sinking into the honeymoon phase
You've probably heard that the start of a relationship is known as the honeymoon phase. During this phase, the stars shine bright and everything is going great in your relationship. Research on the honeymoon effect shows that almost all relationships will eventually leave the honeymoon phase and enter reality. This is when arguments begin happening more and tensions begin to rise.
If only there was a way to keep ourselves stuck in this phase forever, right? Well, according to Guenther, "By sinking into the honeymoon phase and seeing all the positives, enjoying all the novelty, going on cute adventures, and stepping out of your comfort zone," you can prolong this phase indefinitely.
Keeping this energy is important if you want your relationship to last. Because, when the inevitable happens and the sparks begin to fade, you'll need this energy and connection to be motivated to keep your relationship (including your physical relationship) afloat.
2. Start having uncomfortable conversations early on
"Do not avoid them. I mean, don't force them, but if something feels a little bit off or funky bring it up," says Guenther. For instance, having trouble in your bedroom life? Don't be afraid to bring up your concerns and express your needs. Or, does your partner have a habit that drives you up a wall? Bring it up and find a solution together.
Having these uncomfortable conversations is necessary to help build your connection. It's especially necessary if you want your relationship to last a long time, as supported by a 2019 study. As Guenther points out, "Because if you don't you may be too anxious or scared to bring up important things that are bothering you." Which will then lead to disconnect, which can cause more issues in your relationship later on.
3. Buy relationship books and read them together
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The couple that improves together, stays together. This is especially true if you're putting in the effort to learn about your partner and their needs. But most of us aren't natural-born therapists who have the answer for everything.
Which is why reading self-help books could help. As Guenther explains, "They create the best conversations and always come with a bunch of questions for you and your sweetie to answer."
4. Be honest about your big differences
The reality is, you and your partner are going to have big differences. But, differences don't always make or break your relationship. Rather, it's how you handle those differences that truly matter.
Guenther says, "And instead of being like, 'It balances us out,' which is super cute, but it's a lie, you little liar, Be like, 'Can I tolerate and accept that we don't see eye to eye on this.'" Because if you can tolerate it, then that's amazing. But if you can't? Well, you need to then figure out how to address that issue without causing further resentment to build up.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.