A Mom Says That Teenage Girls Being ‘Nasty’ To Their Mothers Is A Sign Of A Secure Relationship
Raising a teenager is equally terrifying and rewarding, especially if you have a strong relationship.
Vita Sun / Shutterstock.com Sneaking out, screaming matches over messy bedrooms, and sobbing over broken hearts — it’s the playbook for the teenage girl experience. It can also be a test of many mother-daughter relationships.
Mom, Sarah Biggers-Stewart, has a theory about teen girls and their moms that might offer some hope for women struggling to find common ground with their puberty-stricken daughters. “The anecdotal argument is,” as she shared on TikTok, “100% of the women I know who were terrible to their moms as teenagers did so because they were super close with them.”
The mom said that when teenage girls are 'nasty' to their mothers it's a sign of a secure relationship.
“They felt completely safe,” Biggers-Stewart continued. “They knew that they could let out all their insecurities, frustrations, and hormones on their mom… and now, as adults, they’re all super close compared to my friends who did not have the dynamic with their parents.”
Most teenagers struggle with regulation, especially when they’re dealing with emotions exacerbated by hormonal changes. They struggle to understand these big feelings that often bubble up as anger and frustration, resulting in conflict with the people closest to them.
That might be hard for loved ones to remember after having a door slammed in their face, but as the adage goes, we always hurt the ones we love the most. “When I was 14 to 17 years old,” Biggers-Stewart recalled, “I switched between adoring my mom and being SO MEAN to her at the drop of a hat. It’s because she was my safe space.”
Teen girls with secure relationships with their mothers know that even when they fight, argue, and bicker, their relationship isn’t going anywhere.
“It doesn’t have to be that serious. I’m thinking about a co-worker…she admitted she ‘never had that desire [to fight with her mom]’ because they weren’t close enough for it to happen,” Biggers-Stewart shared. “And probably for that same reason, she added that she’s not super close with her parents now.”
Maybe the “light at the end of the tunnel” for parents struggling with mean teens is the knowledge that their child feels absolute safety and love with you, and that will translate into a strong bond as adults. Especially today, when so many parents are estranged from their adult children, it’s a comforting notion.
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Biggers-Stewart continued, "It really bothers me when other people judge mother and teenage daughter relationships in this way because so often it’s because those daughters who feel so secure and safe with their moms that they act out.” Having that safe space to feel, experience, and share your emotions as a teenager can truly craft your identity before you enter adulthood — compared to those who were sheltered, disciplined, and condemned for taking one step “out of line” at home.
While each situation is unique, and “World War 3 screaming matches” aren’t always the healthiest means of communicating with teens, it’s interesting that many of these relationships have blossomed into some of the healthier ones just five to ten years down the road.
As they grow into adults, these teenagers need to unload their complex emotions and feelings somewhere, which often means parents bear the brunt.
“She didn’t ever dish it out the way that I did,” Biggers-Stewart said, reflecting on her teenage fights with her own mom. "She took so much disrespect from me. But now, I’m like, ‘Sorry, mom!’”
“My dad called my teenage fights with my mom ‘speed fights.’ We’d be lashing out and yelling…then 30 minutes later, planning our day together,” one person wrote in the comments. “I learned a lot from how my family handled that.”
Every parenting situation is different. In the comments, some people reflected on resentment their mothers still hold over teenage fights they had at home, while others said they’re making “espresso martinis, watching 'Bridgerton', and reminiscing” about fights, arguments, and emotional daggers from their teenage days.
Raising a teenager and being a teenager are equally complex and chaotic feats. If you’re a teenage daughter, a mom, or even a sibling caught in the crossfires, just remember: It's all out of love.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.