2 Phrases The Best Husbands And Wives Avoid Saying & The One They Use Instead
"I always feel you never do this," is not going to work.
Delmaine Donson | Canva Have you been arguing more with your partner lately? If so, you've probably already tried to resolve your issues, only to have it completely blow up in your face.
When unable to control your emotions, you are likely to yell or throw accusations to make a point. But as we all know, that only seems to make things worse. Before push comes to shove, how do we resolve conflict without making life worse?
Here are 2 phrases the best husbands and wives avoid saying & the one they use instead
Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles discusses the best way to resolve conflict in your relationship.
1. "You never..."
You wake up to a mess in the kitchen and lose your ever-loving mind. Going up to your partner, you begin to berate them. "You never clean the kitchen."
Likely, you've called them lazy or inconsiderate a few times.More often than not, you've stormed away from the conversation and accomplished nothing but heartache.
What else can you do? I mean, you've tried everything, right? Knowles explains, "If we're actually gonna do our part in having a respectful conflict, we can't lead with so much hostility and name-calling, okay?"
Understandably, hearing this might feel frustrating. After all, your partner isn't a child and should be able to handle criticism. But, as Knowles points out, that is called contempt and contempt will only destroy your relationship fast, as explained byThe Gottman Insitute.
"So let's get rid of that and maybe take thirty minutes to self-regulate," says Knowles. He continues, "Because our tone and our body language and our words still matter."
The Personal Social Psychology Bulletin shows how ideally, we want to lead this conversation with both vulnerability and respect. Although we can't control what our partner does, we absolutely can control how we react.
2. "You always..."
When we start a complaint with, "You always," we demonstrate a lack of compassion that has become judgmental and harshly critical.
Knowles says, "We can set healthy boundaries around unsafe people. The trick is not becoming one of those unsafe people in the process right?"
Understand that hurt people hurt people, as explained in a study from Current Opinions In Psychology. But, if you never break the cycle of hurt, how can you honestly expect your relationship to progress?
Remember to only talk about your own experiences when bringing up conflict. Talk only about your own feelings and never use the words never and always.
After all, using words such as these will only put your partner in defensive mode. If your partner is in defensive mode, you can forget about fixing any relationship problems you may have.
What does healthy communication during conflict look like? How do we tie all this information together?
What to say instead
3. "I feel..."
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For starters don't say, "You make me feel frustrated because you never wash the dishes."
Once again, you are in control of your actions. Yes, your partner might have contributed to your bad mood, but how you react is all up to you. So, change that, "you make me" into, "I feel", as suggested by research from scholars at the University of Western Australia, Perth.
Remember, don't use the word, "never", because using "never" to describe another person is not being completely truthful. Instead, focus on the present moment and what they didn't do now and forget about the past mistakes.
You can say something like, "I'm feeling I'm the only one who cares about the dishes being done. It makes me feel abandoned. Like my time isn't worth as much as yours is. Like I don't even matter to you." says Knowles.
I get it, leading with vulnerability is hard work. After all, it's hard to put your emotions out there and express your deepest fears or concerns. It's also important to understand your partner is there for you. Your partner wants to help you.
It's extremely important to express how you truly feel. Until you do, you'll never truly resolve conflict in your relationship.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.