3 Steps To Follow When Someone Refuses To Forgive You
What to do when you feel like you can't go on without their forgiveness.
stefanamer | Canva Whether it's a partner, family member, or friend, dealing with someone who won't forgive is never easy. It can feel like a stab to the heart as you deal with guilt and pain, but hanging onto that pain or wallowing in your shame isn't good for your health.
What can we do when you've exhausted all other options? Therapist Jeff Guenther shares a few insights that can help you move on without causing further hurt or exacerbating your own stress.
Here's what to do next when someone just won't forgive you
1. Check what you have done
If you've taken real accountability, given a sincere apology, took time to understand the impact you've had on them, and have grown since then, and they still don't forgive you? Then, unfortunately, nothing else you do or say will make much of a difference.
Guenther explains, "You've done it all, there's nothing left for you to do." Now, should they forgive you and let things go? Well, depending on what you did, maybe they should. After all, forgiveness and letting go of grudges is good for your health. But do they have to forgive you? Heck no.
2. Accept their reaction
Guenther continues, "They can hold a grudge, stay mad, feel justified, and tell all their friends how much you suck." And guess what? That is their right to do so. You see, when you truly mess up and hurt someone you can't dictate how they react. They're allowed to react in any way they see fit.
"But you don't have to feel guilty or ashamed anymore," says Guenther. You don't have to feel bad if you've made an effort to change because that's how they want you to feel. And you don't have to live in the past and prevent yourself from growing in the present, as evidenced in research on prospective regret.
"Some people for whatever psychological reason cannot acknowledge that you've transformed," says Guenther. But why is this? Well, because admitting you've changed might force them to transform themselves. And most people don't want to change. After all, it's comfortable to stay in what you've always known.
Remember, you cannot control anyone else's decisions, and sometimes, trying to get someone to forgive you can cause more harm. In 12-step recovery programs, there are even guidelines for when you should and should not make amends with someone you've hurt. According to The Hazledon Betty Ford Foundation, "Step Nine states that we make amends 'except when to do so would injure them or others.' We don't want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. Also, we might owe amends to people we can't reach."
3. Understand they might stay angry
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As Guenther says, "Staying mad at you is a lot easier than growing, evolving, and maybe even acknowledging the part they played in the whole thing."
Understandably, it can be hard to let the hurt go. Research on psychoanalysts and mistakes shows how it can be even more challenging to let go of the guilt and sadness of your past mistakes. "Stop focusing on their upset and step out of the emotional prison they're attempting to keep you in."
What you'll find is the faster you step out, the more you'll be able to grow and evolve as a person. So, "Be proud of yourself, be with your community, surround yourself with people who love you, appreciate your growth." Do the hard work necessary and reinvent yourself.
Remember, we shouldn't always be held back by our past mistakes. For the most part, we should be given the grace to grow and evolve into our true selves — even if that road might be a little bumpy from time to time.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.