The One Person In Your Life You Should Never Explain Yourself To
We think if we communicate better, things will change. They won't.
Nina Zeynep guler | Pexels Letting go of a relationship narcissist is a lot easier said than done. It doesn't matter if that relationship is romantic, platonic or familial, connections with narcissists go from exciting to disorienting and even terrifying on a regular basis. This keeps us "hooked", almost like pulling the lever on a slot machine.
Often, we do everything in our power to keep our relationships going, if only to avoid feeling uncomfortable and guilty. We wishfully think if we try harder, explain better, and show more love, it will transform the other person. We think, "if only they understood my perspective, they'd be happy (or nicer to me, or less angry, or anything else)". But it's not true.
Three reasons to stop explaining yourself to people with narcissistic tendencies — immediately
Yet, there is such a thing as too much wishful thinking when it comes to relationships with people who tend toward narcissistic behavior. Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles breaks down the real reason communicating with a narcissist will never work.
1. Communication skills won't work with a narcissist
"We all know communication skills aren't gonna work with a narcissist, right," says Knowles. You can be as vulnerable, open, and honest with this person as possible, but all of these traits are never going to truly matter to a narcissist, as demonstrated by research from The University of Wollongong in Australia and published in the journal Personality and Mental Health.
Knowles continues, "You can say all the right words, you can even apologize first, none of it's going to matter because they aren't interested in reciprocating any of it."
2. You can't change them
We can't change them, and that's why we need to have a change in our mindset. A study published in The Journal of Abnormal Psychology reports that narcissistic tendencies lead to serious social issues and that a narcissist's "quarrelsomeness" (as defined in the study) appears to increase when another person shows dominance in conversation.
"It's actually really important we get this right because our words matter," says Knowles. What we say matters — but not because we will change them by explaining ourselves. Instead, we should say what we mean and not give in on what matters to us.
Unfortunately, we've created a bad habit in where we are in the submissive role and we allow the other person to be in the dominant role. In essence, we've given them control over the steering wheel of our lives.
3. They aren't actually interested in our perspectives
He continues, "We're used to feeling like we need to work to earn our value and worth in their eyes, right?" The issue is we pressure ourselves to fix things and heal the narcissist. When in reality, that isn't something we are going to be able to do.
Knowles explains, "It's not communication that didn't work. It's that they aren't interested in our perspective." Why should we expect this to work? Why should we expect communication to work against someone who thrives off chaos and confusion?
Truthfully, how can you have a healthy relationship without someone like that? With someone who will probably never change?
Here's the saddest truth. Narcissists will always force a relationship into a toxic place and place all the blame on you. They'll cross boundaries and disrespect you to see how far they can go, as supported by the American Psychological Association.
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The only solution is distance
It doesn't matter how kind, vulnerable, or courageous you were to share those difficult feelings. A narcissist will stomp on those feelings if it means staying in control and in power.
"When you eventually detach and distance yourself to protect your own mental health, they're still going to blame and shame you for leaving. They have to be the victim," says Knowles.
So, do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. Put your mental health first and slowly distance yourself from this person. Remember, this won't be easy.
However, choosing to surround yourself with positive influences will only benefit you in the long run. It make you happier, and positively affect other areas of your life.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics